Mother with PPD, trying to find a way forward

[chana1877]

I'm 31 with a husband and two kids. I have had severe post-partum depression since my first was born 4 years ago.

I have never attempted suicide but have suffered from suicidal ideation for 4 years. I was supposed to be committed twice to a hospital and both times I refused because I was worried it would make me feel worse.

I am in weekly talk therapy which helps and have been on and off SSRI/SNRI (Sertraline and Effexor).

I can't CTB because I know it would destroy my husband and completely screw up my children, but I'm terrified that I am already a horrible enough wife and mother that it's hopeless anyway.

There are other reasons that I want to CTB, I have had depression on and off my whole life, and now feel very stuck, but the reality is that the "whys" feel like they are so insignificant when compared with the feeling, the urge, the horribleness. I can honestly only hope and pray that my children never suffer this kind of pain.

 

[Duality]

I would continue the weekly talk therapy for sure. If you haven't already, it might help too if you can connect with other moms who have experienced, or are experiencing, the same thing. I'd also ask your doctor or obgyn if you can go back on an SSRI/SNRI as that should help, and hopefully you don't have to experiment too much with which specific drug will work best for you at this point in time.

I know there are a couple of Reddit groups (or rather subreddits) where you can post your experience with PPD, and/or read about the experiences of others. I mention this because it might be a little difficult finding other mothers on this specific forum who can share what worked for them. But if you don't want to connect with other moms, that's ok too.

Feeling like a horrible wife and mother is common when you have PPD. It doesn't mean you are horrible though, I would really try to remember that! I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, but I am happy that you are reaching out.

 

[carac]

What is you relationship like with you own Mother, do you have supportive parents?