messing around with hanging as a method

[violetforever]

i always look over to my closet in desperation for relief from crying. i think i'm right. i usually just hit myself to bruises with a heavy shoe but it's not enough anymore. i skipped that and finally went straight to familiarizing myself with hanging instead. i definitely need some practice, research and real materials if i consider this method but i just had an impulsive urge to get used to feeling something around my neck. all i have is a robe belt so i tied it, put my head through the knot, draped it over my closet rod and pulled. i wasn't really going for accuracy yet, i just wanted to feel everything. i felt my body get a little limp, head pounding, dizziness and weakness. i'm laying in bed now and i feel so much calmer after doing that. i should be doing this regularly to build up mental strength.

this was even after i had a great day at school. after being home for a few hours i just felt awfulness coming over me. i'm tired of living with my mood constantly going up and down. i don't know why i try to lie to myself either. when i was crying last night i told myself "i'm just sad it doesn't mean i'm suicidal" and then 10 minutes later of just laying in bed thinking and crying i remembered it's impossible for me to just be sad without it reaching the point of wanting to die. at least i'm working towards it now.

 

[nintendo64]

I'm sorry. I keep a noose tied in my closet and let myself hang until I hear ringing in my ears and my head hurts sometimes too. It's comforting to know at least I always have a way out just right there, and it calms me down to remind myself of that. Just wondering, have you tried therapy/ meds?

 

[violetforever]

Just wondering, have you tried therapy/ meds?

no but i would be more open to therapy than medication. i don't think i'd tell the whole truth of my problems though. i have negative feelings about medication bc of the side effects. sometimes i wonder if it would help to have a medication make me feel numb or if that would make me feel worse.

 

[YourLocalEdgelord]

I'm in a similar situation. Practiced PSH a lot. Ever since I finally found that right spot, it's been a constant back and forth for me. I'm either so distressed I wanna leave asap, or I'm like "just go back to distracting yourself, sometimes you do enjoy yourself, after all." It's incredibly stressful. I'm constantly about to lose my mind, even after having a great day. And the better the day, the sadder I am for some reason.

i have negative feelings about medication bc of the side effects. sometimes i wonder if it would help to have a medication make me feel numb or if that would make me feel worse.

That's a valid concern to have. Refused to go on meds for a long time for that very reason. Now I am and I have very mild side effects, if at all. It's a gamble. Some do get worse from the meds, others get a new chance at life. Personally, my situation hasn't changed. I can only focus a bit better, that's it.

It's a matter of "How much am I willing to do to feel better? Do I wanna feel better?" Listen to your heart, as cheesy as that may sound. If you are genuinely curious and have a bit of hope left, then maybe you should try. If not, that's okay too. It's entirely your decision.

 

[nintendo64]

no but i would be more open to therapy than medication. i don't think i'd tell the whole truth of my problems though. i have negative feelings about medication bc of the side effects. sometimes i wonder if it would help to have a medication make me feel numb or if that would make me feel worse.

I know it can be difficult, but I think you should give therapy a try before ctb. You can find therapists online that take your insurance on sites like zocdoc or just google, and you can do telehealth appointments if you don't want to go in person. It's definitely valid to not want to take medication. I know some people it's helped a lot, but the side effects can be off putting and it definitely has the capacity to make you feel numb. If you don't want to take medication, you can ask your therapist about ect if you have depression. The potential side effects are pretty mild, don't last long and there's very rarely complications. It has a pretty high success rate of treating depression.

I know all of this is very hard when you don't want to live though, and I'm sorry for all the pain you've experienced. I hope you can find some peace in whatever you decide.

 

[violetforever]

It's a matter of "How much am I willing to do to feel better? Do I wanna feel better?" Listen to your heart, as cheesy as that may sound. If you are genuinely curious and have a bit of hope left, then maybe you should try. If not, that's okay too. It's entirely your decision.

I know all of this is very hard when you don't want to live though, and I'm sorry for all the pain you've experienced. I hope you can find some peace in whatever you decide.

thank u guys