AMorteVivente
The void is only scary until you truly suffer
- Mar 15, 2020
- 42
I have been fixated with death from the very begining of my life, so it's no stranger to me. My expectations about life were quite low and life ended up giving me more than I expected... the thing is, I am so far into the idea of killing myself that there is no turning back now. I feel like an idiot for looking like "I want help" or "I want a job" even when all I wanted is euthanasia / assisted suicide (the very thing they won't provide). That's all I ever thought about all these years. Life is not going to satisfy me not now or ever (as to why, it's a combination of mental health issues and our sad reality as human beings), and I live mostly because my parents would be sad if I died.
As methods starts to be more specific and lethal, my doubts about their effectivity are starting to decrease. And with that, my suicidal ideation makes me wonder: Have I become too "comfy" with my life? Or at least, I feel in some sort of limbo, and that makes me feel like I am "fake".
The thing is... when people see you haven't killed yourself yet (or even attempted to) they assume you want to live, and they have expectations about what you do with your life. And if you choose to do nothing with it, they judge you. If you tell them "I plan to kill myself but I can't because of my parents" but at the same time your parents are going to stay alive for like, 10 more years (for example)... Doesn't it feel sort of stupid, as if you never had any intention to kill yourself? I don't want to hurt my parents, but my will to die is real... And I don't know how to say this in a way people will understand. Should I confront social services directly? Should I try to make them understand that I am simply trying to have a few decent years while I wait for the right opportunity to die?
Is it so hard to understand someone's will to die? Don't they realize that, in the end, I am just afraid to fail my suicide attempt? If I had actual trust in my future suicide method, I wonder how long it would take for me to snap and actually do it... Not too long, that's for sure.
In the meanwhile, I look like a lazy ass who is trying to stay that way for a long period of time, and it f***** s***, it's not my fault if my country doesn't try to understand assisted suicide like the netherlands / Belgium... all they care about is "suicide prevention", as if the only choice was to live the rest of your life against your will. I reject it, death is the only way to end my misery.
As methods starts to be more specific and lethal, my doubts about their effectivity are starting to decrease. And with that, my suicidal ideation makes me wonder: Have I become too "comfy" with my life? Or at least, I feel in some sort of limbo, and that makes me feel like I am "fake".
The thing is... when people see you haven't killed yourself yet (or even attempted to) they assume you want to live, and they have expectations about what you do with your life. And if you choose to do nothing with it, they judge you. If you tell them "I plan to kill myself but I can't because of my parents" but at the same time your parents are going to stay alive for like, 10 more years (for example)... Doesn't it feel sort of stupid, as if you never had any intention to kill yourself? I don't want to hurt my parents, but my will to die is real... And I don't know how to say this in a way people will understand. Should I confront social services directly? Should I try to make them understand that I am simply trying to have a few decent years while I wait for the right opportunity to die?
Is it so hard to understand someone's will to die? Don't they realize that, in the end, I am just afraid to fail my suicide attempt? If I had actual trust in my future suicide method, I wonder how long it would take for me to snap and actually do it... Not too long, that's for sure.
In the meanwhile, I look like a lazy ass who is trying to stay that way for a long period of time, and it f***** s***, it's not my fault if my country doesn't try to understand assisted suicide like the netherlands / Belgium... all they care about is "suicide prevention", as if the only choice was to live the rest of your life against your will. I reject it, death is the only way to end my misery.
