Venting Meh... & planning.

[Catchingdabus27]

I think when I start to feel suicidal usually there's a bit of a panicked feel. Pressure. There's been a lack of that lately.

Then usually reading certain stories, comments etc etc can really make a difference. Not today.

I would say I feel calm in a sense, not particularly still too low pr in an emotional flashback... even able to apply some compassion & forgiveness to myself. Understanding etc. Though there are some things still triggering flashbacks but thats like life long/CPTSD/However fucking long it'd take to reach a point where I do not experience the CPTSD so intensely.

I think im considering ctb again. Been sitting on it this weekend. But not even per say in an all consuming way just thinking about the ups & downs.

I don't feel very... ok with withstanding much of this... I don't really know where to start with planning ig picking a method tho I techincally have one.

I don't have much options anyway. Maybe it is time to take the steps to obtaining drugs. If im at the bottom why not?


Sighs... I've just been asleep today mostly. The greatest thing but I wish there'd come a day I just don't wake up.


I'm gonna start planning this week.