nerve
fat cringey shut-in
- Jun 19, 2019
- 1,013
This is just me taking up space on the forum because I'm feeling really alone and confused. I don't have anything unique or clever or new to say. I barely have anything to say at all lately, but I think I'm close to going.
Last night I kept telling myself "you know, if you don't eat for the rest of the day, you'll be good and ready for SN tonight." It felt so real. I got that surreal, hazy feeling people talk about sometimes. All of the little things that have stopped me before didn't matter. Id be leaving my dog behind but he's ancient and we've talked about it and he'll just be put to sleep if I die. If he has the capacity to miss me or notice I'm gone, it won't be for long. I feel bad about hoisting the responsibility onto someone else but I just need for this to be over and all the awful thoughts to stop for good. I'll be here until I'm 80 if I use every little guilty feeling as an excuse not to ctb.
I'm living with someone who admits they have anger and entitlement issues. Every day Im on high alert in case I do something that might piss him off and give him a reason to shout at me about how worthless and insane I am. Every single frustrated sigh and eye-roll makes me so afraid. This has driven me absolutely crazy. I didn't always think I was completely worthless.
I don't think he's particularly funny and this hurts him a lot. He gets mad at me if I dont laugh at a joke he says and he gets mad at me if I politely laugh along. The only right choice is to think he's funny. I must be getting worse because he's calling me out more and more on fake laughing and that feels like a metaphor for this entire thing. I just can't play along for much longer, as much as I wish I could.
I had this image in my mind of my ctb being this peaceful, deliberate decision I was totally sure about and planned out long in advance but how many of us are that fortunate?
Last night I kept telling myself "you know, if you don't eat for the rest of the day, you'll be good and ready for SN tonight." It felt so real. I got that surreal, hazy feeling people talk about sometimes. All of the little things that have stopped me before didn't matter. Id be leaving my dog behind but he's ancient and we've talked about it and he'll just be put to sleep if I die. If he has the capacity to miss me or notice I'm gone, it won't be for long. I feel bad about hoisting the responsibility onto someone else but I just need for this to be over and all the awful thoughts to stop for good. I'll be here until I'm 80 if I use every little guilty feeling as an excuse not to ctb.
I'm living with someone who admits they have anger and entitlement issues. Every day Im on high alert in case I do something that might piss him off and give him a reason to shout at me about how worthless and insane I am. Every single frustrated sigh and eye-roll makes me so afraid. This has driven me absolutely crazy. I didn't always think I was completely worthless.
I don't think he's particularly funny and this hurts him a lot. He gets mad at me if I dont laugh at a joke he says and he gets mad at me if I politely laugh along. The only right choice is to think he's funny. I must be getting worse because he's calling me out more and more on fake laughing and that feels like a metaphor for this entire thing. I just can't play along for much longer, as much as I wish I could.
I had this image in my mind of my ctb being this peaceful, deliberate decision I was totally sure about and planned out long in advance but how many of us are that fortunate?
