Venting married men

[violetforever]

yeah i know im a deeply flawed person who deserves the title of a whore for this but at least im self aware and nothing too disastrous has happened. i had one online relationship with a married man (stupidly and still considered the love of my life in a way) and it made me swear off and lose interest in attempting to ever have any other relationships. so "accidental" was our relationship even though the base of the friendship it grew from was always mutual attraction waiting to be addressed. i get myself into trouble like this and wonder how someone as shy and awkward as i am got there?

i really do have an allure for married men. has to be married and older, not just a boyfriend or anything else thats not so set in stone. married and a father is unfortunately even better. its just like a signal that a man is "good" if hes taken. i dont even want to steal the man away from his family though. more like the opposite. i want them to be good to their family (as much as they can while being unfaithful lol?) and stay together. i just want to be apart of it in some strange way. i suppose its because my dad isnt in my life, my mom prioritizes men and consequently, i dont have much of a family. mine is so broken and abusive. to associate myself with a man with a family feels like the next best thing to try to fill that void. its unhealthy and disturbing but i like this role. i get twice as much out of one person. i depend on the man like a father figure and a lover at the same time. im so confusing. i felt for his wife being cheated on even though i was part of the reason she was being betrayed. i worried about his kids growing up to find out he was a bad father even though i was part of the reason he was being a bad father. i resent him for not appreciating his family and everything else nice that he has in his life even though i was getting in the way of that. maybe it felt "ok" because he admitted he had marriage problems before i even met him so i didnt cause all of this mess. maybe i just saw myself and my family in him and his family and i was trying to heal that wound.

i think im afraid to have a relationship with an actual single man because it feels too real and bound to end. i need that distance. i dont want real or both permanent and temporary things anyway. i realistically dont want marriage, kids, to live with a man or have a man meet my family and stuff like that. online also feels less real. i can quietly slip away from an affair and its like it never happened because it has to stay hidden or it was only online. thankfully im probably not brave enough to be anything more than a tease in person. i figure i might as well be involved in cheating than getting cheated on myself. i still got cheated on as a cheater though haha a wife and one whore still isnt enough for men. i understand the excitement makes them feel powerful and want to seek out more women. i hurt myself on purpose with this. i wanted to prove my belief that love isnt real so ill stay away from it and married men do that for me. it comes with an expected sense of shame and uncertainty too. i cant be too disappointed in the end like i would be if a normal relationship failed since the whole thing with affairs is selfish and inappropriate from the start.

 

[existentiallinguine]

It may be inappropriate but it's hard on yourself to call yourself a "whore," and I'm saying that as someone who has dabbled in sex work. We all have made mistakes in relationships I'm sure. You sound much younger than these guys. Have you considered you might be displacing a lot of the blame here to yourself? I totally get that maybe you aren't an innocent party, but an older man with a family clumsily dating a depressed younger woman is still a representative of a lot of power over you. I wish I had more to say or more experience in this arena to help you, but all the fucked up relationships I've had are with guys that were single, that said I really get how having a fucked up childhood ruins your ability to have stable romance. Believe me I do. I don't think I can ever have a stable version of love because even what I want is based around unhealthy relationship patterns modeled for me as a child. You're not alone there. And using your relationships as a form of self sabotage and self harm? Yeah. I know that too. I hope you can be a bit kinder to yourself.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Speaking as a an "older" gentleman, it takes two to actually have an affair. It does not matter if you chased him or not, he's an adult and has to accept responsibility. Sure, it isn't great that you may chase married men but calling yourself a "whore" is definitely being too hard on yourself (I agree with existentiallinguine).

I also agree that you appear to have emotional voids which you are attempting to fill. But again, do not be hard on yourself. Everyone is screwed up to some level - some just hide it better than others. Trust me when I say I know about "bad choices"; as I've discussed in another thread, I made the worst decisions when it came to relationships when I was younger. I felt that I had to "needed" to be loved so I gravitated towards women on social assistance with several kids from different men and also put up with a lot of cheating. I never saw a red flag that was too large. Fortunately as I got older, the quality of women I dated really elevated.

Give yourself a break and maybe start with friendship first. I firmly believe that love will find everyone if they are simply open to it. It may take time but at least you won't be waking up feeling shame (even though it's not your fault).

Fortunately, I've never had to deal with a serious pursuit. Sure, some clients may "flirt", but then I start talking about my wife and daughter and things get back on track. At least my paranoia/anxiety would probably interpret a good looking woman actively pursuing me as simply a prelude to an extortion attempt - hmmm, it would be ironic if it's my mental issues keeping me a committed husband and father.

 

[violetforever]

It may be inappropriate but it's hard on yourself to call yourself a "whore," and I'm saying that as someone who has dabbled in sex work. We all have made mistakes in relationships I'm sure. You sound much younger than these guys. Have you considered you might be displacing a lot of the blame here to yourself? I totally get that maybe you aren't an innocent party, but an older man with a family clumsily dating a depressed younger woman is still a representative of a lot of power over you. I wish I had more to say or more experience in this arena to help you, but all the fucked up relationships I've had are with guys that were single, that said I really get how having a fucked up childhood ruins your ability to have stable romance. Believe me I do. I don't think I can ever have a stable version of love because even what I want is based around unhealthy relationship patterns modeled for me as a child. You're not alone there. And using your relationships as a form of self sabotage and self harm? Yeah. I know that too. I hope you can be a bit kinder to yourself.

its just one singular guy but yeah. luckily i have a friend who let me vent about the whole situation with her for months. it really helped me view his entire character without being blinded by love. he turned out to be really cruel to me so i distanced myself. i just feel dumb because i ended up right where i started with him. i shouldve always just admired from afar/kept it hidden. it wouldve saved me from all of this. thats why i wont do it again. thank u for the kind words

At least my paranoia/anxiety would probably interpret a good looking woman actively pursuing me as simply a prelude to an extortion attempt - hmmm, it would be ironic if it's my mental issues keeping me a committed husband and father.

i want to respond to ur whole reply but i have to say, this only solidified my fear and avoidance of relationships with men even more when i first admitted my feelings to this man he thought i was playing a trick on him or something too. i didnt understand back then but now i see why. i see his flaws and insecurities much more now. i still love him but if i knew what i do now, i probably wouldnt have admitted how i felt. i thought i could handle it but i had no idea what i was really getting into.

Sure, some clients may "flirt", but then I start talking about my wife and daughter and things get back on track.

i appreciate u saying to not be hard on myself and i'll try but i know it really is bad that i don't stop when i know a man is married with kids. with this man, i was able to keep it to myself and just be friends for the time we spoke until we lost contact. i thought i was safe and he'd become a long lost crush. he eventually came back into my life and was showing obvious interest in me. i really loved him so i couldnt resist the advances. well i wont ever be naive and young (even though im not even 5 years older than when this happened lol) like that again.

 

[Seneca65AD]

i want to respond to ur whole reply but i have to say, this only solidified my fear and avoidance of relationships with men even more when i first admitted my feelings to this man he thought i was playing a trick on him or something too. i didnt understand back then but now i see why. i see his flaws and insecurities much more now. i still love him but if i knew what i do now, i probably wouldnt have admitted how i felt. i thought i could handle it but i had no idea what i was really getting into.

My apologies. That was definitely not my intention. Please don't ascribe my emotional issues to all men. I would like to think most are pretty well adjusted without the emotional baggage which brought me to SaSu in the first place. Don't give up - the building block of good judgment is experience which is based on bad decisions and learning (eventually) from them. We all make mistakes - so again, don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I'm twice divorced and I don't think my current gf likes me all that much. So you can be taken and still not be a good partner lol. Either way, it's normal to like what you can't have. Or be into something that features some taboo element. Hell I fantasized about other women way more than I ever did of my wives while I was married.

 

[violetforever]

Hell I fantasized about other women way more than I ever did of my wives while I was married.

so whats the point of marriage and relationships? another post telling me to just focus on myself well ever since i decided for sure that ill never be with someone, i like hearing about other peoples relationships even if its pretty bad.

 

[Seneca65AD]

so whats the point of marriage and relationships? another post telling me to just focus on myself well ever since i decided for sure that ill never be with someone, i like hearing about other peoples relationships even if its pretty bad.

I see the point as filling a void, whether it's just a byproduct of simple Darwinism and survival of the species, or a mystical experience handed down by the gods themselves, we are generally sociable creatures and that includes having a significant other in our lives. I know I still love my wife but we did meet in our early 40's so we had already dated extensively before meeting and knew what we liked and what we didn't.

Is our love as passionate as it was when we first met? Nope - but I still slap her butt and call her "sexy". I suspect that's because of our age when we met; we already knew lust/passion fades and is replaced by simple contentment and emotional support. Now, that is just us. We have friends in their 60's that apparently still knock knees 2 -3 x per week after 35 years of marriage, but they are both retired.

I still look at women who have short skirts, tight fitting dresses, etc. Hell, I even look at good looking well-built guys, but it's a passing glance as opposed to a real longing.

There is no map for a healthy relationship that lasts other than experience. One can read all the books and attend all the seminars but it truly comes down to a simple fact - I am happier with her than I would be without her. I don't know your age but I suspect I have suits older than you. So try not to view the present as a prologue to the future (despite what Shakespeare suggested in the Tempest). Still make those relationship mistakes, get those scars built up and the odds are you could be as old as my wife and I are with someone slapping your butt. Don't give up.