Venting Make the choice I tell myself

[Painless_end]

Make the choice I try to tell myself when I am alone and get the chance. Make the choice to CTB.

I can't make it. No matter how hard I try. A part of my brain prefers to live with constant subtle disgrace and humiliation rather than CTB.

It makes me depressed and helpless initially but then changes to anger. Yes, I know about the 5 stages of grief.

But this is about more than just that. I have neurological weaknesses with respect to living a meaningful life till old age. I want to end it, but I am not able to. It's like a fools hope, like a dream, that slips away from my grasp when I try to attempt it in reality.

 

[LostSoul101]

I get it. Everyday I wake up and wonder if I'll make it through the day without killing myself. I wonder if today is the day and then when I wake up the next day, I ask myself why I didn't go through with it the day before because now I have to start all over again trying to not kill myself for a day. I regret not doing it last year and not not doing it before the second lockdown (which complicates things). Part of me, only a small part, wants to live but with a better life, which is a fantasy. The most part of me is facing the reality that everything is terrible and I need to go.