megafire
burn it down
- Oct 12, 2020
- 89
There are things I want to do in this life, sure. But that want is drowned out by fear, and anxiety, and honestly? the most earnest feeling of being overdue. I tried to do it back in March, right before the shutdown happened, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
And here we are, 7 months later. Circumstances have changed, but the feeling is still there. I lost the only friends I had, got a new boyfriend who I can't confide in (it would just push him away... that's how I lost one of my friends), moved out of my parent's house and into the city, stopped smoking. I'm so unbearably lonely, but every chance I have to make friends, I lose interest immediately. It's a vicious cycle, and one I can't seem to get out of.
Writing down everything that I want to do should have filled me with hope, but instead, it just falls flat, it's shallow. I will always have this voice in my head criticizing every move I do no matter where I am.
Sorry if this is all over the place.
As far as things being better or worse, I couldn't tell ya. My memory is atrocious so I can't really remember the past. When I think back to then, it doesn't feel like me. As for retaining anything in class, forget it. I can't focus, much less absorb new material. I'm more confused than anything and it's so frustrating!!
I've never been so alone either. I've always been kind of a loner, but not out of choice. I'm just no-one's (or a very small few's) cup of tea, and that's something I have to struggle to be okay with. But even so, there was always at least one person there who affirmed me as funny, likable, worthy enough of anyone's attention, etc. It's sad and desperate to think like this, so I keep it to myself. My boyfriend is only with me because he is in the same boat. He's lonely too, and he get's to f*ck me.
But at least I'm out of my parents' place!!
And here we are, 7 months later. Circumstances have changed, but the feeling is still there. I lost the only friends I had, got a new boyfriend who I can't confide in (it would just push him away... that's how I lost one of my friends), moved out of my parent's house and into the city, stopped smoking. I'm so unbearably lonely, but every chance I have to make friends, I lose interest immediately. It's a vicious cycle, and one I can't seem to get out of.
Writing down everything that I want to do should have filled me with hope, but instead, it just falls flat, it's shallow. I will always have this voice in my head criticizing every move I do no matter where I am.
Sorry if this is all over the place.
As far as things being better or worse, I couldn't tell ya. My memory is atrocious so I can't really remember the past. When I think back to then, it doesn't feel like me. As for retaining anything in class, forget it. I can't focus, much less absorb new material. I'm more confused than anything and it's so frustrating!!
I've never been so alone either. I've always been kind of a loner, but not out of choice. I'm just no-one's (or a very small few's) cup of tea, and that's something I have to struggle to be okay with. But even so, there was always at least one person there who affirmed me as funny, likable, worthy enough of anyone's attention, etc. It's sad and desperate to think like this, so I keep it to myself. My boyfriend is only with me because he is in the same boat. He's lonely too, and he get's to f*ck me.
But at least I'm out of my parents' place!!
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