Venting losing my virginity was the worst thing of my life

[Lastwishes]

tw: pedophilia, possible sa? im not sure
i really dont know where to vent since this is so recent so im using this account

i grew up as a very unloved child, never received any gifts, compliments, nothing. ever since growing into a teen i feel like every man that is nice to me sees me as a sex object, but since it was the only form of love that i could get i was always sending nudes to people like them. the one that stuck most around is my current boyfriend, we met 5 years ago when i was 13-14, i feel so gross thinking about everything ive done but i couldnt stop, i feel like i dont deserve real love so i keep doing it i hate myself for it. last month i met a guy, 45 in real life, him hugging me was the first romantic touch i ever felt and i hated myself so much for it, i dont even like him, i felt like dying everytime he touched me, but i was so scared of him that i couldnt say no to him offering to have sex with me, every second it felt horrifying, i was supposed to be shopping, not in a random guys house having sex, im such a fucking whore
i hate myself more from it because i cheated with my boyfriend, i cant even maintain the guy who has prevented me from dying with me, i literally cant even talk to him he probably would know hes going to kill me if he finds out about this since of my now repulsion of sex since hes a very sexual guy
ever since i lost my virginity with him i just became extremely repulsed to sexual stuff, it makes me want to vomit since it reminds me of him, i didnt even say no so im probably just exaggerating and didnt even get raped, it was all my fault
everytime i try to get better i fuck up even more, maybe its a sign lol

 

[Neowise]

I wouldn't say everything here is your fault. Obviously you grew up under harsh conditions to say the least - I don't know your full story after all. Like this your mind started playing tricks on you and making you do things you don't want to do. You have a different way to prioritize things and make desicions compared to other, "healty" people. But being different doesn't mean being in the wrong.
You shouldn't be so harsh on yourself, reflect on your actions and why you chose to do what you did and give it time. Perhaps therapy could help you in your case, too.

 

[esistzeit]

It saddens me greatly whenever I hear stories of women being mistreated like this. I am sorry you have been treated this way.

I swear, the world is such a messed up place. Do you know how many men would give anything to have a girl in their life whom they could shower with love? And how many women would want nothing but that, and are treated as poorly as you were?

It's twisted, really. It's like, the solution to everybody's problems is there. It's just thousands of miles away.

I hope you need not end your life and actually find a man who loves you. A true man, not an animal.

 

[puppybrained]

regardless of what the man intentioned, it sounds like you were a person in desperate need of love since childhood, and he took advantage of that. i'm sorry it happened that way.
like others have said, you need to reflect and work on these desperate lonely feelings, and look into the root of them deeper so that you won't find yourself in such a difficult situation again.
remember you're human, you make mistakes, especially when you're influenced by past trauma and grief. now it's time to learn from those mistakes and give yourself compassion to heal.

 

[whywere]

Fellow family member: @puppybrained said it so eloquently, as far as being human, learning experiences (mistakes) and everything.

So totally agree to let yourself have feelings that let you heal and love yourself and have friends.

I send you so much kindness, caring and above all the feeling and knowledge that you are a wonderful person and that with time and help from the family here and with others, you will move forward with a smile on your face and love in your heart for yourself and others.

Walter

 

[lnlybnny]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I don't see it as your fault, not entirely. It was a coping mechanism. I also was so vulnerable at 16 I "fell in love" (today I don't believe I did but actually forced myself to) to this guy who was like… almost 60. It's so creep when I think of it now. I dedicated years of my life to that stupid thing. But now I reckon it was out of lack of affection. I was, and am, too lonely I would accept anything. All this to say you're not alone.

 

[Mayfly]

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time and dealing with a lot of complex emotions. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to recognize that what you've experienced is not your fault. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and conflicted, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be treated poorly or that you're worthless. Everyone deserves compassion and support, including you.
I relate to your feelings a lot. While my assault didn't happen during my current relationship, he took my virginity too and it's spurred an onslaught of self-destructive emotions. I hope you feel better soon and, from one stranger to another, I love you.