Story "Living more than 25 years is foolish"

[Michelstaedter]

Mommy: Cali, 1975.

One day you promised me that whatever I did, you would understand and agree with me. Please, try to understand my death. I wasn't meant to live longer. I'm incredibly tired, disappointed, and sad, and I'm sure that with each passing day, each of these sensations or feelings will slowly kill me. So I'd rather get it over with.

I have nothing but love and sweetness from you. You've been the best mother in the world, and I'm the one losing you, but my act isn't a defeat. I have everything to gain, because I'm convinced I have no other way out. I was born with death inside me, and all I do is get it out to stop thinking and be at peace.

…Just remember me. I'm dying because by the time I'm 24, I'm an anachronism and a nonsense, and because since I turned 21, I haven't understood the world. I am powerless in the face of financial relationships and relationships of influence, and I cannot resist love: it is something much stronger than all my strength, and it has shattered them.

I leave something behind and die peacefully. This act was already premeditated. You premeditate your death as well. It is the only way to overcome it.

Dearest Mother, if it hadn't been for you, I would have died many years ago. I have had this idea since I was a child. Now my reason is lost, and what I do is only to stop the suffering.

Your Andrés
This letter is from an attempt at CTB by a writer named Andrés Caicedo, who a year later achieved his goal by ingesting several séconales. I'm sharing it because, as I said in a previous post, I've been obsessed with the idea of CTB, and I've found this writer's work fascinating. It's not available in English, but at least in my language, I can say that most of it is compiled from letters, a diary, and some miscellaneous writings that he organized into a pair of books called "My Body is a Cage" and "The Story of My Life."
For me, his life was very important because of his consistent attitude and because I finally identify with him in many ways.

Long live Andrés forever!!!!

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

I checked and it's as you said, there are no English translations available and now I regret letting my Spanish fade from the languages I know I'm certain I would really have loved reading some of the things he wrote.
Regardless, thank you for this post!

 

[SuicideKitty]

Unrelated but big kudos for Mainländer on your pfp. I still don't know how he lived to be 34.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I checked and it's as you said, there are no English translations available and now I regret letting my Spanish fade from the languages I know I'm certain I would really have loved reading some of the things he wrote.
Regardless, thank you for this post!

From here on, I'd like to translate or try to share things related to him or to writers or people who had a certain obsession with the CTB, like me, or who at least showed signs of it. Quotes, aphorisms, some videos, or material that might be in English.
Caicedo was Colombian, so I don't have much information, and here in Mexico, not much is known about him. In fact, I don't remember how I discovered him, but I only know that when I read something by him sometime over seven years ago, I fell in love with his writings.

Unrelated but big kudos for Mainländer on your pfp. I still don't know how he lived to be 34.

It's a long story, mostly because Mainländer began to long for death around the age of 23-24 when a brother of his did the CTB because he didn't receive a letter from him in time and couldn't reply, coupled with an unrequited love and the vision he was forging around the world and existence itself. I think his first approaches were when he had contact with philosophy, particularly with Schopenhauer and from then on his sense of life was to write something around his vision of the world, so although he may have died earlier in some battle between the Germans and the French or the Italians (I don't remember), they didn't let him go because he didn't meet the statutes required to enlist in the army. In fact, there is a photo where he is in uniform, but he didn't make it, hence finishing his work meant working on it for perhaps 3 or more years and he probably would have left sooner if it hadn't been for that.



Fun fact:
It is said that Philipp Batz, aka Philipp Mainländer, hanged himself using the copies of his work "Philosophy of Redemption" that had arrived as a support. On the same day they arrived, he used them to make his own. Andrés Caicedo, from whom I quoted "living more than 25 years is foolish," along with his letter to his mother on his first attempt, was working on a novel that, in the end, arguably the only complete work he wrote that he was able to send to a publishing house called "Long Live Music." On the same day that work arrived in his hands, he also made the decision to do his CTB.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Mommy: Cali, 1975.

One day you promised me that whatever I did, you would understand and agree with me. Please, try to understand my death. I wasn't meant to live longer. I'm incredibly tired, disappointed, and sad, and I'm sure that with each passing day, each of these sensations or feelings will slowly kill me. So I'd rather get it over with.

I have nothing but love and sweetness from you. You've been the best mother in the world, and I'm the one losing you, but my act isn't a defeat. I have everything to gain, because I'm convinced I have no other way out. I was born with death inside me, and all I do is get it out to stop thinking and be at peace.

…Just remember me. I'm dying because by the time I'm 24, I'm an anachronism and a nonsense, and because since I turned 21, I haven't understood the world. I am powerless in the face of financial relationships and relationships of influence, and I cannot resist love: it is something much stronger than all my strength, and it has shattered them.

I leave something behind and die peacefully. This act was already premeditated. You premeditate your death as well. It is the only way to overcome it.

Dearest Mother, if it hadn't been for you, I would have died many years ago. I have had this idea since I was a child. Now my reason is lost, and what I do is only to stop the suffering.

Your Andrés
This letter is from an attempt at CTB by a writer named Andrés Caicedo, who a year later achieved his goal by ingesting several séconales. I'm sharing it because, as I said in a previous post, I've been obsessed with the idea of CTB, and I've found this writer's work fascinating. It's not available in English, but at least in my language, I can say that most of it is compiled from letters, a diary, and some miscellaneous writings that he organized into a pair of books called "My Body is a Cage" and "The Story of My Life."
For me, his life was very important because of his consistent attitude and because I finally identify with him in many ways.

Long live Andrés forever!!!!

he injested seconales? what is that seconal a barbiturate like nembutal? how many ?

just downloaded Michelstaedter Persuasion and rhetoric . he shot himself
and will download the philosophy of Redemption Mainlander

reading both now at the same time . interesting

 

[Michelstaedter]

he injested seconales? what is that seconal a barbiturate like nembutal? how many ?

just downloaded Michelstaedter Persuasion and rhetoric . he shot himself
and will download the philosophy of Redemption Mainlander

He took 60 pills, and yes, Seconal is a barbiturate like Nembutal. He had attempted to do his CTB when he wrote that letter, taking more than 100 10mg valium pills and cutting his wrists. However, he says he couldn't do it because it clotted quickly and the overdose wasn't fatal.

It's a shame barbiturates aren't so easily sold anymore; some singers and actresses used to do CTB with an overdose of barbiturates plus alcohol. If they existed, I would have done it long ago. That's why I regret being born in this time where it's more complex and painful.

Great! Persuasion and rhetoric are complex and difficult, but it's also helpful to watch videos about it where they explain the basics. Mainländer's is more accessible, but you can also complement it with videos and even information, such as that his sister Minna Batz also did CTB years later, as she dedicated herself to publishing her brother's work.

 

[Michelstaedter]

You can listen to it with audio in English.

 

[Michelstaedter]

Caicedo taught me that in this world of "adults," everyone strives to be better (at what?), they work to get a good job (good?), to be free (freedom?), and to be happy (happiness?). In the end, they hardly ever achieve all of these things together, or even one of them, because they're all fantasies; they're all in their own heads. I read a comment on Facebook from a guy who, in response to an aphorism by Alejandra Pizarnkik (a suicidal poet), said, "Life is for warriors," alluding to the fact that he probably knows she committed suicide. But I wonder, which warriors? Do they watch too many movies, read too many comics, fantasize too much? Do you know who fantasizes a lot? Children!

We've been taught that at a certain age, we must stop being children, put aside innocence, laughter, and imagination, and enter the world of seriousness, formalities, and reality. Caicedo and even Carlo Michelstaedter allude to a certain idea of remaining children, having that curiosity and that love of being constantly in doubt about what surrounds us, but without becoming anxious, rather with fascination...

Many people fantasize, they think they'll be eternal, they talk about "fighting in this life," "only those who live are the winners" and deep down they are like children, but in this case they naively believe they are adults and by believing they are adults, they forget that truly being children, even death itself, would be a natural step, like when the "mouse" or "tooth fairy" would take our fallen teeth under the pillow. As adults they deceive themselves and believe they have stopped being children, denying themselves the opportunity to truly live and truly die one day.

 

[fallingtopieces]

yeah, but 25 is still just beginning. and there are also gamers in their 30s,40s,50s. john coltrane died young of liver cancer at the age of 40 in 1967. A Love Supreme was recorded in 1964.
also the whole prefrontal cortex developing around 25.

"There is little disagreement that the human cerebral cortex is the organ that enabled abstract thinking and the creation of civilization, including architecture, science and all types of art. Using a wide variety of methodologies, the size and cytoarchitecture of the frontal lobe, and more specifically the PFC, has been extensively studied over the years in various species." https://www.nature.com/articles/s41386-021-01137-9#Sec1

Spoiler: various species. The PFC

in various species. The PFC in humans and nonhuman primates can be divided into a collection of structurally and functionally different subdomains positioned anterior to the motor cortex; the medial (mPFC), lateral prefrontal cortex (lPFC) and orbitofrontal cortex (oFC). The lPFC is mostly involved in language and executive processing, while the oFC and mPFC are known to contribute to cognitive functioning and emotional control [1,2,3,4]. The mPFC can be further subdivided into the infralimbic (IL), the prelimbic (PL) and anterior cingulate cortex (ACC). The most ventral subdomain of the mPFC is the infralimbic cortex (IL) and is involved in coping with chronic stress eventually leading to structural changes and prefrontal dysfunction [5,6,7,8,9,10,11]. Interestingly, the PFC of rodent models such as mice is limited in size, containing medial, orbitofrontal and cingulate areas, but probably lacking the equivalent of the primate dorsolateral PFC. In humans, the PFC can be considered to have evolved disproportionally large and it is thought to be the last region of the brain to gain full maturity [12, 13].

 

[Ligottian]

Whatever your age, I think it's just when life becomes unbearable.

 

[Kimlett]

I knew about Andrés Caicedo and his suicide note in a great book in spanish called "Notas de suicidio" by Marc Caellas, which is a compilation of suicide notes by people like Virginia Woolf, Kurt Kobain, etc. Caicedo's note touched my heart and stuck with me. He was a handsome, clever young man and I wish I could read his books but I'm just unable to read novels anymore. I wish I could have met him. His note is inspiring and I find solace in reading it in a weird way. I feel like we're similar, I guess, like he gets it. "Soy incapaz ante las relaciones de dinero y las relaciones de influencias" wow, I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I knew about Andrés Caicedo and his suicide note in a great book in spanish called "Notas de suicidio" by Marc Caellas, which is a compilation of suicide notes by people like Virginia Woolf, Kurt Kobain, etc. Caicedo's note touched my heart and stuck with me. He was a handsome, clever young man and I wish I could read his books but I'm just unable to read novels anymore. I wish I could have met him. His note is inspiring and I find solace in reading it in a weird way. I feel like we're similar, I guess, like he gets it. "Soy incapaz ante las relaciones de dinero y las relaciones de influencias" wow, I couldn't have said it better myself.

why are you unable to read novels?

Although he came from a relatively well-off family, he knew there were many people with better positions, and that in fact those with lesser positions became better people to him; they understood him better. I think that's where his book "Long Live Music" comes from.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

He took 60 pills, and yes, Seconal is a barbiturate like Nembutal. He had attempted to do his CTB when he wrote that letter, taking more than 100 10mg valium pills and cutting his wrists. However, he says he couldn't do it because it clotted quickly and the overdose wasn't fatal.

It's a shame barbiturates aren't so easily sold anymore; some singers and actresses used to do CTB with an overdose of barbiturates plus alcohol. If they existed, I would have done it long ago. That's why I regret being born in this time where it's more complex and painful.

Great! Persuasion and rhetoric are complex and difficult, but it's also helpful to watch videos about it where they explain the basics. Mainländer's is more accessible, but you can also complement it with videos and even information, such as that his sister Minna Batz also did CTB years later, as she dedicated herself to publishing her brother's work.

he took 60 . probably 100 mg capsules = 6 grams total. do you know his weight?

marylin monroe took 50 Nembutal capsules 5 grams total. but she was 117 pounds. she was a movie star .

FROM THE ARCHIVES: MARILYN MONROE DIES; PILLS BLAMED

Marilyn Monroe, an iconic beauty whose struggles overshadowed her Hollywood stardom, was found deceased in her Brentwood residence on…

medium.com

they had the best path to non-existence , Nembutal painless went to sleep then non-existence

some assisted suicides used 10 grams Nembutal , for a long time

PN said 6 grams is ok for most people?

2 bottles Nembutal from D is 12.6 grams Nembutal . should be ok for most people?

 

[four_walls_girl]

Thank you for translating this, this is exactly how I've been thinking. Definitely gonna reference his note in my own.

 

[Michelstaedter]

he took 60 . probably 100 mg capsules = 6 grams total. do you know his weight?

marylin monroe took 50 Nembutal capsules 5 grams total. but she was 117 pounds. she was a movie star .

FROM THE ARCHIVES: MARILYN MONROE DIES; PILLS BLAMED

Marilyn Monroe, an iconic beauty whose struggles overshadowed her Hollywood stardom, was found deceased in her Brentwood residence on…

medium.com

they had the best path to non-existence , Nembutal painless went to sleep then non-existence

some assisted suicides used 10 grams Nembutal , for a long time

PN said 6 grams is ok for most people?

2 bottles Nembutal from D is 12.6 grams Nembutal . should be ok for most people?

I don't know exactly how much he weighed, but he was apparently of average height and looked thin, so he probably weighed around 140 pounds or a little less, considering that he barely ate and was weakened by depression, anxiety, and thinking about his relationship problems.

I'm reading Osamu Dazai and he describes that he ingested barbiturates to die, but he couldn't and I assume that he was shorter and I don't know how many he ingested but in one story I read that he bought a bottle, so I don't know, I would bet on the 10g for assisted suicide to leave no doubt, especially if it is ingested and not injected.

Thank you for translating this, this is exactly how I've been thinking. Definitely gonna reference his note in my own.

I'm glad you like it! From the first time I read that note, quite some time ago, it's been a great reference for me regarding my feelings about life and death.

I'll be writing a post, but dedicated to Akutagawa, who, in my opinion, left an even more interesting note and who represents a more spiritual than emotional feeling, like Caicedo's.

 

[Kimlett]

why are you unable to read novels?

Depression, lack of focus, and laziness I guess xD

 

[Michelstaedter]

Depression, lack of focus, and laziness I guess xD

Oh, I see, I understand. It happens to me with complex or philosophical readings like Nietzsche, Schopenhauer. I feel more comfortable reading about suicides, literature by people who committed suicide or intended to do so and followed through. It makes me feel understood, comforted, and as if my feelings are real, not a lie I fabricated myself, thinking I'm the only one who truly hates the world.

And when I refer to suicidal people, I'll give you the example of one of my favorites who is not a suicidal author: extension du domaine de la lutte by Michel Houellebecq

 

[Michelstaedter]

"All I want is to leave a testimony,
to write even if it's bad, even if what I write is useless,
if it helps me get out of this hell I'm descending into,
may that be the true reason I have existed..."

Andrés Caicedo, Letter to Carlos Mayolo, January 13, 1972

In another post, I will write a reflection on the time when I discovered Andrés Caicedo (7 years ago) and some visions regarding everything I have experienced during these last 7 years, considering that at that time I was just over 25.
I believe Caicedo had that vision because at some point he realized (in the letter he speaks of 21 years old) that he began to understand some things, to notice immutable events such as relationships based on interest and the influence of money in society. From then on, he knew that reaching 25 meant leaving this world, so he had made that decision knowing that he was not going to turn back, and there were no doubts, no fear, nothing but the courage to take a "leap of faith" toward death. Today, I couldn't say that I have lived almost eight years of foolishness, since I came to believe (a few years ago) that things could change, that this could be endured, but that was self-deception. And yes, it may have been sooner or later; there is no age. Personally, I believe that since I turned 27, I realized that my true "foolishness" began. Now all that's left is to gather my courage and leave this world, because it no longer interests me. I want to have sex, but I realize how ridiculous that thought is, since it's my way of measuring my attachment to life. Nowadays, that desire is getting smaller and smaller, and maybe there'll come a point where it no longer exists, and I can convince myself that my biology is telling me "this is as far as you go," and really put an end to it.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I really want to die. I'm a sick person, a pervert, a decadent, a human failure who has fallen by the wayside every time I've undertaken something...

I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die... I don't want to be in this world anymore, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to... I'm so exhausted, I'm so defeated.

Living more than 35 years is madness...

 

[mundanejane]

this is beautiful and really spoke to me

 

[Michelstaedter]

I know it will be painful for my family, I know it will be painful for the few who truly love me. I feel sorry for those who say they have no one, but deep down, my death is dedicated to them, because I love them, I always loved them, and it always saddened me to read "I have no one to mourn my death." Certainly, every tear I have shed carries the weight of those whom life has torn apart from within.
When my beloved pet friends died, I told my sister and father about my feelings. They deny it and, in a way, ask me to maintain hope, faith, God... I respect their beliefs, but since that happened, I realized that God never existed, at least not for me. The kind, benevolent, pious God, the God of miracles, whom I have at least asked to help me be wise and live life peacefully, no, he didn't help me, because he doesn't exist, he never existed. If I wanted to believe that this was a "test from God," I would continue to deceive myself, and only I know that, deep down.
I have to face this path to nothingness. I was deeply moved by the words of someone here on the forum who told me that "we must do it" when talking about facing the inevitable destiny. Those words give me happiness, peace of mind, because then I feel that I am not alone, because even in that, we humans can be connected, in something so ironically condemned by society as wanting to die, to "get out" of this absurd world.

I think I'm slowly gaining courage. I've become more cynical lately, but deep down, I want to be authentic. I don't want to pretend love, I don't want to say I'm not afraid, that I'm nostalgic for life and some things, but truly, I long for death as if it were a lover I just want to see and be with forever.