Leaving behind a partner

[ghost5555]

I got into my first relationship after my recent (and first) attempt to ctb a few months ago and really ended up falling deeply in love with my partner. Unfortunately the reality and circumstances of my life do not make the deep love we share enough to make me stick around in this life. We frequently discuss plans for our future together but I feel like I'm living a false life when I discuss those things. I guess all of us on here are living false lives in some way or another. I'm wondering what anyone in any similar situation to me or anyone who plans to ctb who currently has a partner plans to do before they ctb. Also wondering if anyone else has experience with this whole pre-loss grief thing that I feel like I'm dealing with in multiple ways. It was so much easier the first time I tried to ctb because I had nothing to lose and I didn't care, but it feels different now that I have something to lose and now that I care more... and yet it's still not enough to keep me around? This all feels extremely confusing. Apologies in advance if any of this is incoherent. This is also my first post on this website so I'm trying to figure out how to use it properly.

 

[mortalityisbadass]

For me my plans to ctb have been heavily sidetracked because of my partner, there's too much stuff to worry and care about before I leave. I still have my plan in the back of my head, just in case. I am wondering if your plans have changed at all because of your partner. Personally I don't want to traumatize my partner so any method at home is out of the question for me.

 

[ghost5555]

For me my plans to ctb have been heavily sidetracked because of my partner, there's too much stuff to worry and care about before I leave. I still have my plan in the back of my head, just in case. I am wondering if your plans have changed at all because of your partner. Personally I don't want to traumatize my partner so any method at home is out of the question for me.

I planned to ctb again in February but my access to the resources I'll need has changed. Now I'm saving my plans until the fall because it's my favorite season. Also because I'm hoping my partner will be in a better situation with some personal matters in their life by then or maybe they'll break up with me by then... despite how much I love them. At least then I wouldn't have to be the one leaving them behind. I guess my plans have changed slightly with regards to the method and the time frame but I still know that I have to ctb no matter what, as soon as possible. Having a partner isn't enough to make me want to stay in this life and any additional hypothetical changes to my life won't make me wanna stay either no matter what. They've had a really rough life especially with their own relationships whether romantic, social, familial or otherwise, so I feel horrible for doing this but I still know that I need to do this no matter what. We don't live together so I'm not worried about traumatizing them by them finding me but there's really no way to avoid the traumatization of everyone around in this situation whether someone finds you or not unfortunately... My recent ctb attempt was an od that failed and I was found alive and unconscious a few days later. My current plans are SN, and if I need to go sooner for whatever reason are a partial or full suspension hang. I'm gonna be around for a little while until then obviously so these plans might change if some other method that's more accessible, more painless, quicker, and easier gets found but that's extremely wishful thinking... lol

 

[ghost5555]

Bumping this

 

[danny10]

Yeah, I am also scared how my CTB will have an effect on my wife and daughter. I don't want to cause them any pain. So right now I live on for them. But I still wanna CTB but I just can't. Feels so strange.

 

[eattwinkiesseejesus]

In this boat myself and* I'm a mom..... the grief is real