Venting knowing how i'll be remembered by family, and what they will say haunts me

[waistcoat]

my friends, my close friends, they will know my reasons for suicide, some they already do, they don't like it, they want me to live, but they understand.
my family, they are a brick wall.

i try explain my physical health issues to them, i'm told to just get over it, despite having been in and out of hospitals my entire life since birth, despite the same people telling me to get over it having experienced (or currently experiencing) the same issues.
i try to explain my mental health issues to them, and they act as if these mental health issues are my fault, and not as a result of ptsd and trauma.
i have to rexplain myself every time this topic comes up, as they seem to all have intentionally selective amnesia.
i get shamed for using mobility aids that reduce my pain, and then when i speak up against this shaming, and how it makes me feel like shit, i'm told that wasn't their intention, and then get lectured to about the same shit that i already have told them i agree with.

they lecture me on how i need to get better!? like?? yes i fucking know?? i WANT TO. I AM TRYING. BUT I CAN'T. DOCTORS WONT SEE ME. IVE BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS TO GET SEEN BY ANYONE.

i know when i die they are going to brand me as weak, as someone who "didn't seek help," how this "all came out of nowhere", and that fucking haunts me because i AM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD BUT THEY INTENTIONALLY IGNORE IT

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

If it's any consolation, I see you, and I believe you're trying as hard as you can. I'm sorry the people around you can't also see that.

 

[waistcoat]

If it's any consolation, I see you, and I believe you're trying as hard as you can. I'm sorry the people around you can't also see that.

thank you this is very sweet of you to say ~<3 i appreciate it

 

[SilentSadness]

I am sorry that your family and doctors belittle you for suffering, that just sounds cruel and cynical. Hopefully you are treated better in the future. If people are unkind to you then you don't need to care about their feelings.

 

[waistcoat]

I am sorry that your friends and doctors belittle you for suffering, that just sounds cruel and cynical. Hopefully you are treated better in the future. If people are unkind to you then you don't need to care about their feelings.

my friends are lovely, my family and doctors are the issue