Venting Killing myself because of money

[lawlietsph]

I managed to find some part-time remote jobs in the past couple of months. But these are unpredictable jobs, some months I make almost nothing.
My horse has been very sick lately and everything, and I mean everything, all the money I've made is gone because of the vet bills. This horse is the reason i'm still breathing. I promised her so many times that I'll buy a buddy for her, but I just can't. She is lonely, depressed, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't find a good or decent job. I am broke as hell, and I have no clothes, nothing. She needs more medical care and I'm so exhausted. So, so so so tired and exhausted.
I am terrified of people, I can't work in a basic 9-5 job, I just can't. I was never lazy, I do so many things on a daily basis, but I just CAN'T work in a regular environment.
I find it almost funny, the only option I have is to take my life, because there is no remote jobs in my country (only if you are really smart which I am not).
Do I really have to die just because I can't work in retail or something? Do I really deserve to die because I am scared of people and I get overstimulated easily?
Is suicide really my only option?
I just want a decent salary... I just want my horse to be happy and healthy... I just want some clothes that are not worn out and there aren't holes on them...
I am 28, still living with my mother. My life is a joke.
I am a female btw, I am weak as hell physically, got diagnosed with Lyme disease 3 months ago.
What do I do? Is it true - I don't have a place on this planet just because I am unable to work in a regular job? Do I not have the right to live just because I have mental illnesses?
I am so mad. So so so mad and so beyond done with everything.
I am too ugly to do any onlyfans kinda stuff.
I am too stupid to be in the IT field.
There is no hope for me.

 

[null_blank]

Fren, it sounds like you're doing everything you can do. It all sounds super hard, too. You've done a great job contending with everything so far and if you chose to give up, who could blame you?

I wish I had some idea to help.

I hope it all gets easier for you and your family and animal soon.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. You deserve don't deserve all the suffering you have to go through and you're such a good soul.

Having to consider suicide bc of money when we actually don't want to die rather we want to live is so horrible. I can relate.

 

[SnackNinja]

I managed to find some part-time remote jobs in the past couple of months. But these are unpredictable jobs, some months I make almost nothing.
My horse has been very sick lately and everything, and I mean everything, all the money I've made is gone because of the vet bills. This horse is the reason i'm still breathing. I promised her so many times that I'll buy a buddy for her, but I just can't. She is lonely, depressed, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't find a good or decent job. I am broke as hell, and I have no clothes, nothing. She needs more medical care and I'm so exhausted. So, so so so tired and exhausted.
I am terrified of people, I can't work in a basic 9-5 job, I just can't. I was never lazy, I do so many things on a daily basis, but I just CAN'T work in a regular environment.
I find it almost funny, the only option I have is to take my life, because there is no remote jobs in my country (only if you are really smart which I am not).
Do I really have to die just because I can't work in retail or something? Do I really deserve to die because I am scared of people and I get overstimulated easily?
Is suicide really my only option?
I just want a decent salary... I just want my horse to be happy and healthy... I just want some clothes that are not worn out and there aren't holes on them...
I am 28, still living with my mother. My life is a joke.
I am a female btw, I am weak as hell physically, got diagnosed with Lyme disease 3 months ago.
What do I do? Is it true - I don't have a place on this planet just because I am unable to work in a regular job? Do I not have the right to live just because I have mental illnesses?
I am so mad. So so so mad and so beyond done with everything.
I am too ugly to do any onlyfans kinda stuff.
I am too stupid to be in the IT field.
There is no hope for me.

Why not do toastmasters?

 

[AuroraB]

much empathy. the world is brutal. and we all need that $ or family support to survive. civlization is set up so wrong. have you asked a vet for a long-term payment plan for vet care? if your horse needs vet care and you can't afford it, can you temporarily rehome your horse to a person/family/organization that can afford vet care until you're able to pay for it? maybe an animal rescue/santuary. i'm one of those vegan animal rights people so i hope you can find a solution even if it temporarily hurts, it's only right/fair for your horse. maybe a go fund me for vet care?

 

[SadGirl]

I managed to find some part-time remote jobs in the past couple of months. But these are unpredictable jobs, some months I make almost nothing.
My horse has been very sick lately and everything, and I mean everything, all the money I've made is gone because of the vet bills. This horse is the reason i'm still breathing. I promised her so many times that I'll buy a buddy for her, but I just can't. She is lonely, depressed, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't find a good or decent job. I am broke as hell, and I have no clothes, nothing. She needs more medical care and I'm so exhausted. So, so so so tired and exhausted.
I am terrified of people, I can't work in a basic 9-5 job, I just can't. I was never lazy, I do so many things on a daily basis, but I just CAN'T work in a regular environment.
I find it almost funny, the only option I have is to take my life, because there is no remote jobs in my country (only if you are really smart which I am not).
Do I really have to die just because I can't work in retail or something? Do I really deserve to die because I am scared of people and I get overstimulated easily?
Is suicide really my only option?
I just want a decent salary... I just want my horse to be happy and healthy... I just want some clothes that are not worn out and there aren't holes on them...
I am 28, still living with my mother. My life is a joke.
I am a female btw, I am weak as hell physically, got diagnosed with Lyme disease 3 months ago.
What do I do? Is it true - I don't have a place on this planet just because I am unable to work in a regular job? Do I not have the right to live just because I have mental illnesses?
I am so mad. So so so mad and so beyond done with everything.
I am too ugly to do any onlyfans kinda stuff.
I am too stupid to be in the IT field.
There is no hope for me.

I understand you, maybe it's not your case, but I also can't keep myself in "normal" jobs, because maybe I have ADHD and that has always hindered me, it seems that all the time I live in the world of the moon. Keep fighting, I have dreams, and I want to make them come true. But at the moment I am taking time away from my work for mental health purposes.

 

[lawlietsph]

Fren, it sounds like you're doing everything you can do. It all sounds super hard, too. You've done a great job contending with everything so far and if you chose to give up, who could blame you?

I wish I had some idea to help.

I hope it all gets easier for you and your family and animal soon.

Thank you. This reply of yours is actually the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my entire life. No joke. So thank you

I'm sorry you have to go through this. You deserve don't deserve all the suffering you have to go through and you're such a good soul.

Having to consider suicide bc of money when we actually don't want to die rather we want to live is so horrible. I can relate.

Thank you. It is super hard. I feel like the solution would be so easy, I mean there has to be someone out there who could give me a job, but... People don't give a fuck
W

Why not do toastmasters?

Why not do toastmasters?

what is that?

much empathy. the world is brutal. and we all need that $ or family support to survive. civlization is set up so wrong. have you asked a vet for a long-term payment plan for vet care? if your horse needs vet care and you can't afford it, can you temporarily rehome your horse to a person/family/organization that can afford vet care until you're able to pay for it? maybe an animal rescue/santuary. i'm one of those vegan animal rights people so i hope you can find a solution even if it temporarily hurts, it's only right/fair for your horse. maybe a go fund me for vet care?

thank you. I don't know where you live, but I'm assuming maybe the US.
Unfortunately we don't have such things here. I live in a very small european country, I'm lucky there's even a vet who I can call Also, gofundme is not available in my country, I checked. And who would donate? I don't have friends, family members who can help, nothing. I've tried funding with a different platform but got zero donations.

I understand you, maybe it's not your case, but I also can't keep myself in "normal" jobs, because maybe I have ADHD and that has always hindered me, it seems that all the time I live in the world of the moon. Keep fighting, I have dreams, and I want to make them come true. But at the moment I am taking time away from my work for mental health purposes.

I can understand, I might have autism. I'll never know.
But I don't have dreams anymore, I am tired and I just want to die

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

The fact that Only Fans is now widely-considered to be one of most viable professions in this day and age makes me sick to my stomach. Society has gone to complete shit. I need out of here.

 

[needthebus]

Why not start your own small business and get a loan if possible? If you're going to end things for being poor, you may as well give it a try? You can make the business so the work fits you.

it could be something about horses?

 

[lawlietsph]

The fact that Only Fans is now widely-considered to be one of most viable professions in this day and age makes me sick to my stomach. Society has gone to complete shit. I need out of here.

I only said that because whenever I try to ask people if they know a job, 80% of them say "do onlyfans"
and I've had a feeling someone might say it here too. I just wanted to make sure nobody says it. So please don't think i'm that stupid

Why not start your own small business and get a loan if possible? If you're going to end things for being poor, you may as well give it a try? You can make the business so the work fits you.

it could be something about horses?

Every single business needs a certain amount of money to start. Especially in this country where I live.
Believe me, I tried. I've had my own online store, I was selling pet food - of course I failed.
Making a business is waaaay harder than most people think, the taxes are in the sky

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I only said that because whenever I try to ask people if they know a job, 80% of them say "do onlyfans"
and I've had a feeling someone might say it here too. I just wanted to make sure nobody says it. So please don't think i'm that stupid

I know. And I didn't mean it that way at all. Sorry if it came across that way. I agree with you 100%. What I was trying to say is that it's really sad that so many women these days are resorting to doing Only Fans to make a living. It's almost become a norm. High demand for it. It's sad what society has become and what it values.

 

[Pryras]

I hate working around people so I get you. Have you considered doing something like night cleaning of some kind? Very minimal interaction if at all.