@vanillamilkshakes
I get a sense that you're distancing yourself from people in order to protect yourself from getting hurt. You actively seek isolation but you're not truly comfortable with it?
Could this be brought about by fears of abandonment... or maybe because you view yourself as abnormal and question your social skills to the point of paralysing your future?
What evidence do you have that your social skills are so bad that they warrant taking excessive measures that could potentially be fixed?
I think it's because I've been socially isolated for such a significant period of time. It's strange, when I spend extensive periods of time alone, I seem to begin to improve. It's only when I attempt to go out and socially integrate, I begin to feel 'bad' again. (Hence, mentioning that I feel as if I'd be able to continue living if I lived the rest of my life alone.)
And yes, I've been left so many times in my life, I've almost given up on any hopes of truly connecting with another person; that's probably why I view myself as abnormal. I feel that if so many people have left my life, then I must be the problem; I must be doing something that I'm unconscious of.
As for the evidence that I have that my social skills are so significantly 'bad', it is that many people look unsure around me. It's as if whenever I have to be social, my brain freezes and I become clueless on what to say; often, simple small talk is all I can carry out. It feels as if there is a blockage in my brain, stopping me from getting out my words.
One time, after a significant amount of social isolation, I went to meet an old friend for coffee; embarrassingly, my legs began to shake as we sat across from each other, and feeling humiliated, I blamed it on drinking too much caffeine earlier.
