Just venting ig

[Saltedcoffee]

I hate feeling things so strongly. I know my reaction is way over the line, but I can't help it. Yesterday was valentine's day, and my husband brought me flowers. I had baked a mudcake for us to enjoy the day before, but that had already been completely eaten. In addition to that I failed to buy my husband anything, and now he's upset about it. He told me I could have at least given him a massage, sex, _something_.

I feel like such a disappointment and failure. I don't feel like i deserve to be close with anyone or even alive at this point. I want to lock myself in, curl up into a ball and cry, scream, hurt myself. He's afraid to show me any emotions, especially if they're negative, because i am so unstable mentally right now. I already put our marriage in a crisis by cheating on him while in a manic episode last fall and he's walking on egg shells not being able to talk about it because of my intense reactions (of guilt, disappointment and shame) and suicidality. It's going to be our 9 year anniversary in a few weeks as well and he's wondering if there has ever been a time when I'd been happy with him. How can I buy him anything and wish him happy anniversary, knowing that I've failed him and he thinks our whole relationship has been a lie?

 

[timf]

The more you shut him out, the more likely things will not go well. Since men tend to focus on problem solving, you might invite him to research ways to experiment with getting your bipolar more manageable. If the two of you work on how to make things better, it might be a bridge to a closer relationship.

Categories for experimentation

1. Diet and supplements
2. Exercise and sleep
3. Joint activities like church, volunteer work, or visiting friends.
4. Planning a special get-away weekend.

 

[thx1138]

Sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. It sounds a bit like self-sabotage.... Which is common with people with low self esteem, I do it all the time too. I hope you get some help/therapy or find a way to feel better again, because it will make everyone happier, including your husband. Please take care and don't do anything rash, tomorrow will be a new day :)