Just Silence... (?)

[IrisGr3y_]

I've been in a sort of shutdown mode lately. Started a little before getting my account approved on this site.

I used to communicate often what I had been thinking of at a given moment, especially when it came to demoralizing stuff, I'd spend some time 'structuring' in my mind how to say it to the people I can talk to (not necessarily in person), and strangers online, seeking to 'explore' the topic further.

I used to care about being able to explain my situation to other people in a level-headed manner. It's how I aim to be in general.

But now I've lost that... impulse (?) Like something in me tells me it's better not to anymore.




Nowadays, whenever I feel like there is something to say, I start to imagine receiving the same type of responses I already have, or just silence after a one-word one.

Thing is, more than "feeling ignored" or misunderstood, it feels pointless. People get uncomfortable with emotional dumping, or hearing about 'deep reflections' you have when you spend time alone just thinking, even if framed in a not-so-fatalistic way. It's alright, understandable even. Can't say it's worked that well with those that have related to me either.

I guess it's the classic pattern of feeling like you just bother people telling them your stuff, so you prefer to keep to yourself.



I'm not mad at people, just thought it was a lost-cause scenario all along, and this is one of those days... you know the days.


Right now, if I wanted to tell what's up with me, I wouldn't be able to put it into words very well, and it doesn't feel right to do anymore... but it's not healthy.

Sorry if that was a little clumsily expressed, I got some restraints to work around I suppose.

 

[yotaka]

I'm not sure if this is relevant, but if I'm understanding you correctly, I think it's something I relate to. I used to fill pages upon pages in notebooks trying to organize and articulate my thoughts. One day it occurred to me: I was motivated by this (mostly unconscious) notion that if I could just explain it the right way, someone would understand and give me the solution to my problems. Of course that's not how it works at all, and I know that. Since realizing this, I haven't had the same drive to communicate that I had before.

 

[IrisGr3y_]

One day it occurred to me: I was motivated by this (mostly unconscious) notion that if I could just explain it the right way, someone would understand and give me the solution to my problems. Of course that's not how it works at all, and I know that. Since realizing this, I haven't had the same drive to communicate that I had before.

Yeah, my equivalent of writing notes was bringing it up to (trusted) people, or just comment about it on spaces it was fitting to.

Started out like that, as a way to get my issues "solved", then it morphed into just trying to find relatability with people, being understood.

I used to go to therapy, so I had explaining to do, however I'd always suck at it, allowing openings for gaslighting and such. Of course my problems also morphed over time.



I guess I could finally manage that "right way" of explaining at some point, when I started having people not without much to respond with.

I don't blame them anymore.