Just ranting, nothing important

[6sad6grl6]

So I had asked everyone the other day if they think there's life after death, majority said no it's like before you were born. Doesn't change my mind on CTB. I used to be atheist before I was agnostic, honestly the only thing that changed that was the movie "Enter the void". Honestly I always figured that it'd just fade to black. What just really tore me up is that that's literally where my boyfriend is now, he's nothing. I made him into nothing, because I just couldn't change, couldn't stop being a POS, couldn't stop doing drugs, even when he kicked a 10+ year heroin addiction for me. Honestly if anything it just fuels the fire. Anytime I thought I "felt" him was just my ego, I am just delusional. At least it helped cement the way I'm going to CTB, via firearm. I really wanted to die in my car, but that's stupid, I don't want to die and potentially being a murderer, risk killing someone innocent, I've done enough damage. I just gotta Fucking get some money now I'm so broke, I'm -$750 in my bank account and rents due on the first. Jesus Christ. I always figure it out but fuck. I wanted to wait till after my two best friends birthdays coming up, and right before my court case. Idk if it means I can't make rent and all I have is money for the gun and I don't have rent then take a lucky guess wtf I'm gonna do. I wish I never tossed my last gun, but it was def not legal, I've thought about going back to the spot I tossed it but I don't know it just seems so sketchy, who knows what it's linked to. Plus I'd get a Taurus not a piece of shit high point. I know everyone says "oh don't use a gun if you're sketched out about it" but fuck how the fuck am I gonna get SN? I wish I had Xanax again buspar is trash idk how I'm gonna get it again after going to rehab for it, no one wants to sell to me and my dealer went to rehab. Everyone's like "no one's fucking with it rn bc it's getting cut" like yeah I know that's the point, GIVE IT TO ME. But obviously no one's gonna give their friends the means to CTB. Especially after they've OD 3 times this year, multiple seizures, rehab, and found their boyfriend dead. No one wants that on their conscience, who can blame them? I wish they had suicide booths like in Futurama.