Venting Just bought a climbing rope and now I'm extremely torn about whether I wanna go through with hanging

[VegasLyra]

I'm getting deja vu of this post of mine from almost 5 years ago. I bought from that same store today a 9.6mm 35m climbing rope (yes, 35 METERS; I know it's way too much but I had to make it seem like I actually need it for climbing purposes—the owner is mildly suspicious of me).

But now that I actually have the means to end my life I'm getting cold feet. I lied to my mother about where I was (the store is pretty far) and she bought it hook line and sinker and that broke me a bit. I love her so much. She's an insanely strong woman who cared for her children as best as she could after my father died, and she's been trying to get me help for my suicidal thoughts for years.

The idea of her being devastated at my suicide makes me want to weep. But I also can't continue going on for anyone else's sake. I don't know. I'm sure this is my brain trying to save itself from killing itself, but I really am getting cold feet now. Any advice would be appreciated; feel free to chat me up even if it's just to say hi

 

[SASU-KE]

How old is your mother? I made it a point to be around till she was and she just passed away very recently.

 

[inconclusivesorbet]

Im in a similar position my love; especially with a mother who's a widow that will grieve so terribly. Theres no rush. Think it over. I'll be in this boat with you.

 

[VegasLyra]

How old is your mother? I made it a point to be around till she was and she just passed away very recently.

In her mid-50s. She does have health problems but I highly doubt she's passing away anytime in the coming 2 decades. So the idea of waiting till she passes then doing it is a non-option unfortunately

 

[spiders.in.my.head]

I'm in a similar situation. My mother has tried her absolute best to take care of me and get me help, but I don't think my mental state is fixable. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't keep living for one person forever. Eventually, I will be in a shitty enough state that my pain will outweigh the pain i will cause her, and I'll commit.

I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but I wish you the best, no matter what choice you make

 

[VegasLyra]

Im in a similar position my love; especially with a mother who's a widow that will grieve so terribly. Theres no rush. Think it over. I'll be in this boat with you.

I'm in a similar situation. My mother has tried her absolute best to take care of me and get me help, but I don't think my mental state is fixable. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't keep living for one person forever. Eventually, I will be in a shitty enough state that my pain will outweigh the pain i will cause her, and I'll commit.

I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but I wish you the best, no matter what choice you make

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in this situation. I think if I do go through with it I'm going to make it crystal clear in my note how much I love her and how none of this was her fault, how she tried and tried to help me but I couldn't be fixed, etc. And I recommend you guys do that too if you decide to go through with it.

 

[Matchaaa]

I have a similar situation,A while back, I had a row with my mother because of my suicidal thoughts; she kept saying she wouldn't know how to carry on without me. Although I know that if I were to leave this world, it would be a huge blow to my family, I sometimes feel that living one's whole life for just one person is a very difficult thing, especially when you're going through such a painful time.
For now, I've decided to hang on as best I can, and when the day comes that I simply can't bear it any longer, I'll go through with it. I'll write a suicide note to try and lessen the emotional impact on my family.
I wishing you all the best.

 

[mostlycloudy]

You want advice - I don't know enough about your situation to offer any. But I can tell you that you aren't alone in how you feel.

You're in a tough situation. Someone loves you and they will be devastated if you die.
I too am in that same situation.