Venting i've started fearing sleep

[nails]

apologies if my grammar is especially bad, i'm so tired.
sleep used to be the only thing i could look forward to, now it's a source of anxiety for me. night time has become rhe part of my day that i dread the most. can't have shit
i can't sleep knowing that i have nothing positive waiting for me after i wake up.
i can't just close my eyes and wait for sleep to come. as soon as i close my eyes, i start thinking about a million different things. i try to think about happier things, but all of the joy i've experienced has come and gone and it won't return. i think about fun memories, my old friends, and some miscellaneous things that brought me happiness in the past. reminiscing on those happy things just reminds me of how sad i am now, i'll never experience any of that again. i start to feel distraught when i think about these things. i can't just shut my brain off and sleep. i can't even be passively depressed, these things make me want to break down and puke, which usually ends up happening. this all happens each time i try to sleep, so now i'm really scared to sleep, even when i'm really exhausted—which i always am. i dread these stupid breakdowns, it lasts so long and i still can't sleep after they're over because i still feel so anxious afterwards. i resort to cutting or hitting myself, so i feel a lot worse the next day and i usually have a huge mess to clean up. these are the only things that provide some sort of distraction, but they still fail to help most of the time. i'd be okay if i had an actual distraction. i've tried everything i else, nothing helps. everything just makes it worse, but just waiting there and trying to sleep is the absolute worst. i can't take meds because it will interfere with my job. i just wait for my body to completely give in so i fall asleep without even thinking about it. by the time that happens, it's already super late at night/super early in the morning and i have to get up soon after. the sleep i actually do get is still shit.

i would like to know if anyone else is dealing with this. any advice would be appreciated, i'm reallt struggling with this.
please don't recommend drugs, i don't have immediate access to any and even if i obtain some, i can't take any because of my job.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I think I know the feeling. I love climbing into bed at night--finally, I can give up! But then it's *snap* the next day. Even snoozing in the hours before I really have to get up is full of dread

 

[nails]

I think I know the feeling. I love climbing into bed at night--finally, I can give up! But then it's *snap* the next day. Even snoozing in the hours before I really have to get up is full of dread

yeah, it's so shitty. it feels like my alarm rings as soon as i start to drift off, there's something so stressful about that. the rest ends before it even really begins, so it just feels pointless and exhausting.
wishing you the best.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I am dealing with this too. I fear sleep so much every night. what you said about lying there waiting to sleep is how i feel and it's so bad. I dont even try to make myself feel better as i try to sleep. I just make myself feel worse and worse until i dissociate. then i listen to music until i finally fall asleep. it takes hours until the early morning like you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[maylurker]

i just busy myself with tiktok/ai chatbot until i feel exhausted and then nod off

 

[daruino]

Yes.. I feel this too. It starts with thoughts. About the good, the bad, but usually I spiral in the bad. Sometimes thoughts about suicide get very overwhelming. I've started to feel very agitated in bed, especially when I've already been awake for a while. But it's just me, alone, with my thoughts again. I think about how I wish I could just fall asleep and then get mad because I've been thinking that every day.
Then comes physical pain. I also resort to scratching/hitting myself but it's to dim out other pain from a physical condition. This also results in needing to take care afterwards, sometimes I have to get up to do that.
Eventually recently I've started to fall asleep around 5-7 am. It's awful. I now constantly have headaches and I fear that if this goes on much longer I might suffer brain damage since that's also possible from sleep deprivation ..

Here are some things I have tried, look at if anything speaks to you, but I can't definitively give anything.
- intense physical exhaustion;; I get the idea but I personally found that my brain was precisely over-active, and fell into the same cycle..
- intentionally staying up later. I normally go to sleep at 11, but I tried staying awake until 1 am and fell asleep around 3 am,, which is still a bit earlier than normal. I guess to make the mind more tired, it kinda worked
- dimming lights an hour before bed(and no phone); this one helped me the most I think. I lost my phone (in my house) and was too lazy to find it. I dimmed the lights and did some yoga, read a book. My mind grew increasingly bored but tired, and I was able to fall asleep relatively quickly. This was yesterday and I'm going to try again today...

I think for you it's however also important to stop feeling fearful of sleep. I know it's more difficult than it sounds, but you don't actually fear sleep itself right? Just more the process around it now which has become something very negative.. I suggest trying your best to get a good nights sleep, create a routine and don't get discouraged if it doesn't immediately work. But hopefully with time we can experience good sleep again :( I think it'd make us feel better in general too

 

[nails]

I am dealing with this too. I fear sleep so much every night. what you said about lying there waiting to sleep is how i feel and it's so bad. I dont even try to make myself feel better as i try to sleep. I just make myself feel worse and worse until i dissociate. then i listen to music until i finally fall asleep. it takes hours until the early morning like you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

i'm sorry you have to experience the same struggle. i hope we can both find some relief from this, i'm wishing you the best.

 

[nails]

Yes.. I feel this too. It starts with thoughts. About the good, the bad, but usually I spiral in the bad. Sometimes thoughts about suicide get very overwhelming. I've started to feel very agitated in bed, especially when I've already been awake for a while. But it's just me, alone, with my thoughts again. I think about how I wish I could just fall asleep and then get mad because I've been thinking that every day.
Then comes physical pain. I also resort to scratching/hitting myself but it's to dim out other pain from a physical condition. This also results in needing to take care afterwards, sometimes I have to get up to do that.
Eventually recently I've started to fall asleep around 5-7 am. It's awful. I now constantly have headaches and I fear that if this goes on much longer I might suffer brain damage since that's also possible from sleep deprivation ..

Here are some things I have tried, look at if anything speaks to you, but I can't definitively give anything.
- intense physical exhaustion;; I get the idea but I personally found that my brain was precisely over-active, and fell into the same cycle..
- intentionally staying up later. I normally go to sleep at 11, but I tried staying awake until 1 am and fell asleep around 3 am,, which is still a bit earlier than normal. I guess to make the mind more tired, it kinda worked
- dimming lights an hour before bed(and no phone); this one helped me the most I think. I lost my phone (in my house) and was too lazy to find it. I dimmed the lights and did some yoga, read a book. My mind grew increasingly bored but tired, and I was able to fall asleep relatively quickly. This was yesterday and I'm going to try again today...

I think for you it's however also important to stop feeling fearful of sleep. I know it's more difficult than it sounds, but you don't actually fear sleep itself right? Just more the process around it now which has become something very negative.. I suggest trying your best to get a good nights sleep, create a routine and don't get discouraged if it doesn't immediately work. But hopefully with time we can experience good sleep again :( I think it'd make us feel better in general too

thank you for the tips! i should definitely try putting my phone down around bedtime, but i instinctively grab for it whenever i feel sad, lol.
i'm sorry you have to go through this as well, your situation sounds really difficult and i hope something improves soon.
wishing you the best.