Venting I’ve broken myself, there are no dreams that I can fully pursue, I just want to be freed

[monkeGoOohOohAhhAhh]

I've broken myself both physically and mentally, and now my dreams are as dead as they ever will be.

Ever since my dreaded high school life, I've realized that the career paths that I actually want to pursue are closed indefinitely. It all began in the pandemic where being in the house for school caused me to have mental issues, leading up to traumatic hospitalizations. Every time I tried to heal, I went back down 50 fucking steps or so. My first two years of high school caused me immense pain and suffering from school drama and being a constant target for bullying by the popular kids all because I tried to hit on one of the girls. It even led to the point of the police getting involved and having to go through my fifth and most recent hospitalization, my most traumatic one to date. After I transferred to a small Christian high school, the environment was way better though I continued to struggle with my academics because of the trauma of my old high school.

Leading into my college life now, it looks like on the outside I'm doing better than before. I have a very high GPA now, made new friends, connected with the community, helped lead club activities and events, connect with my professors who have all been very generous and supportive of the work I'm doing now, and expanding my networking opportunities for my major. I look like I'm a great student at my small college externally, but internally I slowly started to feel that I wasn't following my heart truly. I originally chose to major in Finance because somewhere in my mind I thought that I could get "revenge" or some "last laugh" by working hard and growing to some CEO position where I could earn a lot of "fuck you" money and show those who've hurt me that I "became better than them". But now, I realized that I was only pursuing this major to fill an ego and/or make a good impression on people that don't like me. No matter how much research on finance career choices or networking I did with finance professionals through some of my professors, in my heart I knew that it wasn't going to lead to a life that would bring me happiness or interest in the long term.

But if I ever wanted to pursue the careers that I wanted to pursue, I would already know that they wouldn't accept me. I knew in high school that I wanted to have a career in law enforcement (specifically the US Secret Service), but the incident with the police felt like my chances with that would be zero now. Even though they dropped the charges, I learned more about how my psychological wellbeing would be an auto rejection. Then I turned to the military since I've always been passionate about military related topics and communities. I guess you can call me one of those kids that LARP (live-action roleplay) as military on Roblox military groups (iykyk). I especially wanted to join the Coast Guard since I actually wanted to make a positive impact instead of fighting wars for bureaucratic leaders, getting more PTSD than I need in combat zones, or just doing work that is different than what you trained for. And even if people say to not join, it's something that I am truly passionate about.

But there's nothing I can do that will let the Coast Guard or hence any military branch to let me enlist. My mental health problems are a mental nightmare for them. I even got diabetes at a young age. They don't want someone who's undesirable, unneeded, or unable to perform with the right mental mind they need. No matter how much effort I'd put into myself (like my weight) or the waivers that I can get, my mental health and diabetes will automatically disqualify me for pursuing a passion that I have. And it feels selfish and narrow minded to say, but I feel like it's the career that I actually want to have that my heart calls for. And the health conditions that I have now will not allow me to continue striving for those goals and dreams.

It's my fault for ruining my chances. It's my fault for being mentally ill, isn't it? I caused my future to be this shit, and now I get the consequences. I can never change what I have now, and now I have to go for a career that won't bring me fulfillment. From what I remember, they say in Christianity that God allows us to suffer like Jesus did and that we can get through it like Jesus did. But I don't feel like my suffering has done any good for my future. I don't want to keep suffering in this body of mine, that I have destroyed physically and mentally. I don't want to keep living in a reality where I have to seek an alternative that will make me feel like shit in the future. I caused myself to gain labels such as ADHD, anxiety, and depression; labels that I may never be able to get rid off. And medication that I will continue to keep taking for these conditions, lowering my chances even more. I'm disappointed in myself, I hate who I am, and I want an escape to a reality that I want to experience. And CTB feels like the only escape for me.

(Sorry if this venting seems unreasonable to you guys, I feel like the thoughts that I have are just overreactions to others, so that's why I don't usually post on here)

(Maybe if I wasn't so dumb, I'd go the "The Wind Rises" (2013) route )

 

[Shiitake]

man made school.
bro i was 3 years the quiet kid, tought of killing myself and shit, and still do, but like now i work with selling design furnitures, that happened completely randomly from being a garbage man.
ur putting too much faith in instutions, this whole mind virus of not being "enough" the 1% are a 1% for a reason, most people struggle and do fuck all with life. (aka provide for their family and return to a home with smiling kids)
most migrants parents are taxi drivers/cleaners/whatever, and they still enjoy life.
world is your oyster, and being a garbage man is really cool, you work with your hands and sort shit all day lol.
you dont need to go beyond the means of a normal happy life, Infact most of these people actually sniff cocaine all day to cope with the stress. Only a privleged few lead a stress free life. And that ironically usually happens to be the people in poor countries.
Theres guys out there downing beer bottles all day long til theyre 60, then enjoying life.
this whole idea of a wasted life, when your below 60 is laughable, i tought the exact same way.

I have adhd too, like i have never done a single math class, i just sat there staring at the screen bro, and i discovered i enjoy very much driving, working with my hands, so i did that.
i dread filing my taxes, even if its easy, i really do dread it, but i changed.
"instiutions" try to mould you, and if you're not that, then your fucked. no wonder we're all depressed when we fail. But theres possibilites for change.