I don't exactly know my reason for posting this. I haven't been here long enough to make any friends. I post but don't really interact with anyone... the equivalent of speaking out loud to no one in partucular. While that's a convenient narrative device for a movie or play, it does fuck all for character development... and maybe my metaphor is getting muddled by this point. The story at hand is too long to type out, and I see my attempts to edit it down have resulted in a messy, meandering, and non-linear tale. Apologies. I'm happy to clarify provide clarification if anyone wants it.
I don't do well in the winter. After relocating over 1000 miles from a warm state (US) to a place where there actually *is* a winter, I find this has only gotten worse. It is completely dark by the time I'm done working for the day (5pm). I work from home and have lost all desire to go out in the cold and dark.
My car routinely sits for months without so much as a key turn to test the battery. After the big move, even four years on, I don't really have any close friends here. The ones from my birth state have mostly moved on.... that is, the few who didn't immediately forget about me when I got married. I am at odds with this place and have trouble relating to the people here. I have isolated myself in despair of it, and as a quarantine measure, to prevent myself from leaking "crazy" on anyone.
I feel like I am losing it in new and concerning ways. Where my usual winter trajectory has me slowly sinking into the bottle, non-movement, and suicidal ideation, I find my moods and behavior more erratic this time. Isolation, mental illness, and self-hatred are feeding into each other. Yesterday, someone knocked on the door when I was home alone and I spent the evening huddled up a way from windows (they knocked two more times that evening).
My greatest fear is that someone will convince my husband to commit me, and I'll be forced to not only endure the torture of the psych ward but of my toxic family when they find out. I would never hurt anyone else, but would very much like to stop existing before I lose it any further and have control over my life and my affairs taken from me.
This house, however, appears to be suicide proof...
I don't do well in the winter. After relocating over 1000 miles from a warm state (US) to a place where there actually *is* a winter, I find this has only gotten worse. It is completely dark by the time I'm done working for the day (5pm). I work from home and have lost all desire to go out in the cold and dark.
My car routinely sits for months without so much as a key turn to test the battery. After the big move, even four years on, I don't really have any close friends here. The ones from my birth state have mostly moved on.... that is, the few who didn't immediately forget about me when I got married. I am at odds with this place and have trouble relating to the people here. I have isolated myself in despair of it, and as a quarantine measure, to prevent myself from leaking "crazy" on anyone.
I feel like I am losing it in new and concerning ways. Where my usual winter trajectory has me slowly sinking into the bottle, non-movement, and suicidal ideation, I find my moods and behavior more erratic this time. Isolation, mental illness, and self-hatred are feeding into each other. Yesterday, someone knocked on the door when I was home alone and I spent the evening huddled up a way from windows (they knocked two more times that evening).
My greatest fear is that someone will convince my husband to commit me, and I'll be forced to not only endure the torture of the psych ward but of my toxic family when they find out. I would never hurt anyone else, but would very much like to stop existing before I lose it any further and have control over my life and my affairs taken from me.
This house, however, appears to be suicide proof...
