it gets old.

[takuyablackbox]

it's all old now. dreaming of killing of myself, yearning to never wake up. it doesn't invoke any emotion anymore. there's no fight or flight, there's no more comfort in the idea that i might one day be able to step over the edge. there's no joy in thinking about the chance that i could get better. i don't remember what my mind was like before this. i don't remember what my normal thoughts were. and i just don't care anymore. there's no reason to. i used to pray that one day i'd go all in on one of the sides, recovery or death. but i've lingered in and between both of them for so long, and there's nothing new to it anymore, they're both a part of me. they're both what i desperately want internally. and it's all i think about. i fear the rest of my adolescence will be lived within this limbo. and

i just wished there was some ending to give it all meaning

 

[fkyou]

Same it lost its appeal but I still have to go

 

[EmptyBottle]

Similar... after I learnt that the one way bus was a thing, turning back from that concept is tricky, even when "x wasn't worth boarding" is thought of in the moment I daydream about that bus.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think on a day to day basis I relate. Just feeling tired of feeling the same old things. The same old thought process. How much I hate life and want out. All the anti-natilist resentment. Sometimes picturing myself getting prepared for SN and taking it but then- I'm always held back knowing I need to wait for my Dad to go first.

The method specifics were only more nailed down over the past few years but, it's been 35 years of having suicidal thoughts. I don't know- I still think the moment I find out I can actually go ahead is going to be pretty monumentous.

I have a whole mixture of feelings around that. I'll likely be really upset- because it will be at the news of my Dad's death. There will be a freedom to it though. To know I'm finally free to pursue my needs. But then of course- terror too. That I will need to destroy myself and ideally, be quick about it- before anymore dealings with my step family.

Just the amount of time it's gone on for though- for me. I think it will oddly feel like the culmination of a dream. Suicide has probably been my second most consistent wish in life.

 

[iamnotadinosaur:(]

I get that and it sucks

 

[lawlietsph]

You wrote down what I feel perfectly.
There is no comfort in death anymore, just pure apathy towards everything.
I wish for a disease to take me, because I don't have the energy to even think about suicide anymore. Everything is dull, tasteless, boring.
I hope for a fatal disease to take me quickly.