Venting It comes and goes in waves

[depressed_kitten97]

Waves
I know anorexia is coming
when I listen to "Waves" by Dean Lewis
on repeat.

The same melody wrapping around me,
soft and suffocating
like a memory that never left.

"There is a swelling storm
And I'm caught up in the middle of it all."
That storm is back.
It starts small
a thought, a mirror, a skipped meal
and suddenly I'm drowning again.

There's no fight, not really.
Just the familiar pull
of disappearing.

"And it takes control of the person that I thought I was, the boy I used to know."
It takes her,
the girl I used to be
she's still in here somewhere,
I think,
but quieter now.
Hollowed out.

Sometimes I see her in old photos
and she looks so alive
it hurts.

"It comes and goes in waves,
it always does, always does."
It does.
The hunger.
The calm.
The crash.
I start to feel safe when I'm empty,
because emptiness doesn't ask for anything.
It feels like coming home
cold,
but mine.

"And the freedom of falling,
the feeling I thought was set in stone."
Falling is easy.
You don't have to fight gravity.
You just stop trying to live.

And it almost feels like freedom
the way death starts to sound
like rest.

"It slips through my fingers,
I'm trying hard to let go."
But I can't let go.
Not of this.
Not of her.
The one who learned early
that control was survival,
that silence was safety.

"Through the wind,
down to the place we used to lay when we were kids."
That place still exists.
The room.
The bed.
The smell.
A ghost of breath on my neck
that never fades.

"Memories of a stolen place,
caught in the silence, an echo lost in space."
That's what I am now
an echo.
A body that remembers
what the mind tries to forget.

"I've watched my wild youth
disappear in front of my eyes."
He took it from me - my abuser
All of it.
The wildness,
the wonder,
the right to just exist
without fear.

"Moments of magic and wonder,
it seems so hard to find."
Because there is no magic left to find.
It was all stolen.
I was raped

Now all that's left
is the tide
pulling me back
again and again,
until one day, maybe,
I stop fighting
and let the water take me.

https://youtu.be/vfvRXoZave0

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

This is beautiful and ghastly. It must be so hard to put your feelings into words, specially when the pain is so deep and so hard to bear. I can't say I've had a similar experience but I can certainly feel how you try so desperately to be the person you remember but fall back and be what you are now.

Kitten, you are one of my best friends, and I know you are in a dark place, but you know mama bear always tries her best to shine light onto this Sheol we share. Be it here, on the convo, whenever and wherever, I'm always willing to put into words how you are one of my best friends, and I do my best to be that best friend to you as well. No matter what place you are, ring my bell and I'll be by your side.

If anything, it's in your words the faint hope that you still hold courageously and fiercely: It comes in waves, but it also goes, so what is now haunting you, shall pass, as it always does. And when it goes, I'll be there as I am here now, and as I was there before.

Mama bear loves you, honey pot.