Isolation because of suicidal thoughts

[Greyhawk]

Does anyone else feel really isolated from family and friends because of your suicidal ideation. I know it's normal to feel disconnected from other people but I feel so extremely exhausted and isolated due to pretending that everything is ok. It's not just hiding my suicidal thoughts but constantly lying about how I'm doing ok at school etc. while I'm absolutely miserable. I know they wouldn't feel comfortable talking about suicide since they have brushed it off the few times I've tried to talk about it. Trying to keep up this facade makes me want to isolate myself from them even more :/

 

[darksouls]

I am very sorry that you are feeling so bad

sending you hugs and love

 

[gottacheckout]

The feeling of isolation is really common around here. There is a risk to talking about suicide. The first time I told my parents about my feeling I ended up in a psychiatrist's office trying to talk my way out of a hospital visit, I was in second grade at the time and scared of what might happen. I promised myself that I'd never go through that again so I didn't say anything about it for 20 years. There were some failed attempts but I always had an excuse.

Then I feel in love and figured that she deserved to know what she was getting into before we got married. She understood me and even stuck around through some more attempts. She foiled my best ones. After 25 years she eventually had enough. After a couple rough years we talked things through and went back to being really good friends. To this day she is the only person irl that knows the severity of my situation.

So far I've found this site to be a safe space, people listen and give support usually without judgement.

 

[suicidaljane]

I am feeling exactly the same. Putting on a mask of being happy, pretending im doing well and everything is going great when in reality it is completely opposite (severely depressed and suicidal). It is so exhausting and it takes all my energy. It feels like there is some type of invisible wall between me and others. The lies and pretending to be normal and happy created that wall.
On the other hand, half year ago when I attempted suicide and close people found out about that it was horrible. People looked at me like I was monster or alien, and guilt tripped me how could I do something hurtful to them. The look in their eyes.. they just look at me different, like I failed them. So I learned it is better to mask and pretend that everything is fine.

 

[Greyhawk]

I am feeling exactly the same. Putting on a mask of being happy, pretending im doing well and everything is going great when in reality it is completely opposite (severely depressed and suicidal). It is so exhausting and it takes all my energy. It feels like there is some type of invisible wall between me and others. The lies and pretending to be normal and happy created that wall.
On the other hand, half year ago when I attempted suicide and close people found out about that it was horrible. People looked at me like I was monster or alien, and guilt tripped me how could I do something hurtful to them. The look in their eyes.. they just look at me different, like I failed them. So I learned it is better to mask and pretend that everything is fine.

It's insane how people view suicide as a selfish act. I always saw it as a disgusting and hypocritical viewpoint even way before I was suicidal. Like we are supposed to live and suffer solely for other people's entertainment but when you try to seek help, people give cliche responses/brush it off or judge you. It's like saying someone is selfish for leaving an abusive relationship because they should think about how it makes the other person feel.