Is anyone else heartbroken over the life they could have had?

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

When my mom was alive, I was so happy with her. Because I was (and still am) so ill and had no other family, aside from my dad who was (and still is) only half engaged in my life, we spent so much time together and absolutely adored each other. Life wasn't perfect and I knew how precarious it was, that if mom died it would all fall apart. I'd spent my whole life trying to make enduring friendships but severe physical ill health made that so hard. I'd make friends only to lose them when I became housebound for years at a time.

And then mom died prematurely. There's nobody in my life now who I have a close relationship with. My brain and heart yearns for all the years I thought we had left together - all the beautiful years. Mom put in a huge amount of effort to care for me and to make every day special for me in some way. We had so much fun together. She was an extraordinarily kind and loving person.

Now my brain wants the life I could have had: the life in which I was healthy and had lasting close relationships other than mom, and where mom lived another 10 or 15 years or more. My system can't compute that she isn't coming back and that paradise has been lost. It still wants to live - with her. It can't compute living without her. Or indeed dying, even though life is now completely unbearable.

I am all on my own now and cry all day every day. I'm suffering extremely. But if I die, I'm afraid I will lose my connection to her and all those memories. I so desperately want to be alive, with mom, here, in this beautiful world. I was so perfectly content with her. I wanted so many more years with her.

With her death, it's as if I've been split in two. It's so excruciatingly painful. And I have nobody to sit with me in my grief.

Such a beautiful life I could have had - if only it hadn't all gone so wrong starting in childhood. I'm devastated.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I'm sorry you're suffering and I'm sorry about your mother's death.

If it comforts you, I can say that your mother, her love, will remain eternally in the history of this world. I suppose those stories, even if the "characters" are no longer with us, will remain as long as when the sun one day goes out, and somehow, if it could be seen from another planet, its light would make it seem as if it were still there... The same as your mother's love, which will remain and will continue to remain no matter what happens.
Now, I suppose that when we die, we don't know what lies beyond death. I won't tell you false things like "your mother will be sad in the afterlife if you die," but rather, I think that since we're not clear about what lies beyond death, the sure and most logical thing, based on what you say, is that as long as you live and remember her, your mother will certainly be alive in your feelings, in your memories, and even in you, who are her son, her essence.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

Thank you - that's such a kind and beautiful reply, it made me well up

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I'm sorry for your loss <3

I'm so immensely distraught about it, every, single, day, of my life.

 

[seaquake]

all the time, in fact, I'm mourning what could have been and dwelling on what didn't happen, agonizing over the idea that if it weren't for my mother and underemployment in my country, I would be very happy.


Sorry for your loss. I hope you're doing well

 

[sufferinghell]

I was suppose to be adopted (as an adult). Those parents loved me and supported me but I fucked it up. Now I'm with my birth parents who don't give a shit about me. I think about what life could've been like if I wasn't a fuck up all the time and living with my adoptive parents.

 

[baberty]

When my mom was alive, I was so happy with her. Because I was (and still am) so ill and had no other family, aside from my dad who was (and still is) only half engaged in my life, we spent so much time together and absolutely adored each other. Life wasn't perfect and I knew how precarious it was, that if mom died it would all fall apart. I'd spent my whole life trying to make enduring friendships but severe physical ill health made that so hard. I'd make friends only to lose them when I became housebound for years at a time.

And then mom died prematurely. There's nobody in my life now who I have a close relationship with. My brain and heart yearns for all the years I thought we had left together - all the beautiful years. Mom put in a huge amount of effort to care for me and to make every day special for me in some way. We had so much fun together. She was an extraordinarily kind and loving person.

Now my brain wants the life I could have had: the life in which I was healthy and had lasting close relationships other than mom, and where mom lived another 10 or 15 years or more. My system can't compute that she isn't coming back and that paradise has been lost. It still wants to live - with her. It can't compute living without her. Or indeed dying, even though life is now completely unbearable.

I am all on my own now and cry all day every day. I'm suffering extremely. But if I die, I'm afraid I will lose my connection to her and all those memories. I so desperately want to be alive, with mom, here, in this beautiful world. I was so perfectly content with her. I wanted so many more years with her.

With her death, it's as if I've been split in two. It's so excruciatingly painful. And I have nobody to sit with me in my grief.

Such a beautiful life I could have had - if only it hadn't all gone so wrong starting in childhood. I'm devastated.

Omg, yes! I sit for hours sometimes, thinking about what my life could have been. If only I hadn't been abused as a child, if only I hadn't started using hard drugs, if only... It's too late now. It's too late to go back and fix ANY of this. I just want it to stop.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Things went wrong pretty early on for me- age 3 when my Mum died. I do wonder how things would have turned out if she hadn't died then. I expect they would be very different. I'd hope we would have had the same closeness you shared. It's very hard to get over the loss of loved ones. I think in many ways, I've never stopped grieving for the family members I lost.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Not heartbroken, just pissed at myself for fucking it up and wasting so much of it.

 

[plasticlove]

I think about all the different lives I could have had all the time. There are so many moments in my life where I feel like I went down the bad timeline. Sometimes it was my fault, and sometimes it was truly just the worst luck/circumstances possible, but regardless of situation I still hold them in my mind and heart and think about how things could have been in another life.

If parallel universes exist, I truly and deeply envy so many of the "Mes" that exist in them.

 

[CravingPeace]

Absolutely. For one, I think of the life I could've had without an all-encompassing abusive father and a mother who fed me alcohol and weed at the ripe age of 14. I always envy seeing those around me having close-knit families who care for each other. Being an adult without a family to lean on is awful.

For the other, I think of the life I could've had if I didn't have my first manic episode and lose my career trajectory. I was finally breaking out of my abusive family and making a life of my own and then I squandered it by binge drinking myself into borderline psychosis. Now I am an anxiety ridden mess, who expects anything good built to be eventually torn down by my own hand.

 

[Ferreter]

It's natural to mourn what we thought could have been, I lost my mother too, and the situation I am currently in is my fault. I understand why others won't, but it still hurts, I grieve for you too, and hope you can find some form of relief from your grief.

 

[deleteduser853695]

For sure. When I was younger, I was heartbroken that I never got to have a childhood because of my parents being emotionally and mentally abusive. My health was ruined because of them, and when I was in uni, I did grieve the childhood I never had. But then after uni, I got a job I loved on a different continent from them and all of that childhood pain seemed to just... melt away.

At that job, I was genuinely happy and wanted to live, but as always, it all went downhill later on. I'm now a NEET living with my parents and I hate it. My parents and I don't get along at all. Literally all I'd need to be happy is to get a job so I could rent somewhere and get out of this darn house. And with a job, I wouldn't feel so useless and like I'm rotting while everyone else is progressing in their careers. I just need out of this house, and a sense of purpose and achievement. I need a job. That would solve all of my problems right now.

It infuriates me how the thing(s) I'd need in order to not CTB are things I used to have, and shouldn't be this out of reach. I'm not asking for a different brain or for different parents or anything impossible, just a job that pays similar to the one I lost. I used to have a well-paying job that allowed me live in a gorgeous city away from my parents, and if I hadn't lost that job, everything would still be great. Why is it so hard to get back what was once mine? I've had many a breakdown about it, that's for sure.

I really could have had a long, fulfilling, happy life. Back then, I thought I would. I thought I could work in this company forever, I really loved it, it paid well and was interesting, engaging work with kind colleagues in a wonderful little city with lots of green that was fully walkable and bikeable, what wasn't to like? And now I must grieve. I must grieve the job I lost, the home I lost in that wonderful little city an ocean away from my parents, the lifestyle I lost, and the actual physical life that I'm about to lose. It's a lot of grieving.​

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I just feel like my life hasn't really started yet, but now also that it never will.

 

[ke9]

I think that's a big part of why I'm here. I didn't measure up to the life I had hoped to have. It's a yawning gulf. People always say, well, just be thankful for what you have. And I get that. But it honestly doesn't make the social and professional rejection any easier.

 

[dosingnow]

When my mom was alive, I was so happy with her. Because I was (and still am) so ill and had no other family, aside from my dad who was (and still is) only half engaged in my life, we spent so much time together and absolutely adored each other. Life wasn't perfect and I knew how precarious it was, that if mom died it would all fall apart. I'd spent my whole life trying to make enduring friendships but severe physical ill health made that so hard. I'd make friends only to lose them when I became housebound for years at a time.

And then mom died prematurely. There's nobody in my life now who I have a close relationship with. My brain and heart yearns for all the years I thought we had left together - all the beautiful years. Mom put in a huge amount of effort to care for me and to make every day special for me in some way. We had so much fun together. She was an extraordinarily kind and loving person.

Now my brain wants the life I could have had: the life in which I was healthy and had lasting close relationships other than mom, and where mom lived another 10 or 15 years or more. My system can't compute that she isn't coming back and that paradise has been lost. It still wants to live - with her. It can't compute living without her. Or indeed dying, even though life is now completely unbearable.

I am all on my own now and cry all day every day. I'm suffering extremely. But if I die, I'm afraid I will lose my connection to her and all those memories. I so desperately want to be alive, with mom, here, in this beautiful world. I was so perfectly content with her. I wanted so many more years with her.

With her death, it's as if I've been split in two. It's so excruciatingly painful. And I have nobody to sit with me in my grief.

Such a beautiful life I could have had - if only it hadn't all gone so wrong starting in childhood. I'm devastated.

So sorry for your loss, she sounded like a wonderful mother

To answer your question, yes, every single day

 

[Redacted24]

I suppose the answer is yes, even though it's not really a "life I could have had" but more of a "life I had that's since rejected me."

In my case there's no conjecture. Just gutted like a fish.