wishingonstars
Member
- Aug 6, 2025
- 10
Hi folks,
Introduction of sorts. This may not make total sense as my mind is very foggy currently.
I found this site a few weeks ago looking at methods (found the NYT article). Anyhow I've been lurking and debating back and forth on if I should create an account or not. I have finally decided with a bit of stipulation to do so.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm hoping to get from joining. I think mainly I saw how kind and engaged some of the folks who have been on here a while seem to be and I thought It'd be worth joining for that. Even if I personally don't get much from being on here I do hope I can help others feel heard.
So a bit about me. I have had a ton of anxiety from a very young age, some of my earliest memories are of panic attacks. I have been in therapy since before starting elementary school as well. Lots of trauma and I would say my biggest challenge with mental health and life in general is my PTSD. I honestly thought I would avoid getting back to this point in my life. The first time I really considered ctb I was 8 years old and made a plan to drown myself, it was a sound plan that I think would have worked but I backed out due to wanting to stick around to be there for my younger sibling. Things got really bad again in my mid teens and I was self harming a lot and almost went through with a plan (that would almost certainly have not worked but likely left me with lasting side effects) but again backed out due to not being willing to hurt people like that (once again especially my younger sibling). At that point I essentially turned myself in to some family friends and admitted everything because I knew I would find a way to ctb if not physically stopped. This led to a decent amount of time spent in an impatient facility, thankfully this was not as bad as many of the horror stories I have heard and while it wasn't good it did keep me alive. Things were rocky from there but did begin to improve. I found a better therapist, got on medication, switched schools, etc. A lot has changed since then that I do not want to detail fully as I am trying to find a balance between sharing my story and not giving enough away that I could be identified by someone I know. That being said I am now have cut off toxic family, am closer with the family I choose to keep, have found a very good support system with fantastic friends, etc.
This brings me to what ultimately brought me here. I made a promise to myself some time ago that even if it got really really bad again I would never ctb even if I unbearably wanted to. I do not judge anyone's choice to do what they feel is right for them but for me personally this was a matter of simple logic. The amount of pain I would avoid by no longer existing was less than the amount of pain I would cause by leaving the people I love. From a logical standpoint then ctb will never be worth it unless I somehow lost the majority of the people who care about me. That promise is something I will stick to but it is becoming so hard these past few weeks. I've gone from a stable albeit often hard to navigate state of mental health to almost full on crisis mode. The only thing that brings me comfort is spending time with those I love but as soon as I am alone again it all comes rushing back. I have realized that I want more reason to stay than to prevent hurting people, it will do for now but I don't know how to find that meaning within myself as my life progresses. In many ways I am a success I never believed I could be, I have a job I love, an amazing support network, live someplace that feels like home. On the other hand my brain is too messed up for getting a degree to ever be realistic, I don't have a drivers license or have a car, and worst of all my brain is almost always foggy. I can't remember the names for basic items on a regular basis, I surround myself by smart people and then often find myself feeling incredibly stupid because although I know I have to capability to be smart I can't think clearly enough to even remember things like my own phone number.
This all leading up to last night when I sh again after at least a year of not, it was hard at first, part of me was definitely fighting it, knowing that regression is a slippery slope and I could quickly go from being in control of what I do with my life to falling into a spiral of self destructive behaviors where I lose control and lose everything I have fought so hard to gain. Well the part of me fighting against it lost that battle and I think it will be hard to revert now that I have started. Additionally I forgot to take my medication last night (I never do because I can't sleep without one of them but I thought it was bc of the sh and general mental state I wasn't sleeping until I fully awoke and realized at about 5 am (30 min before my wake up alarm *sigh*) and then it was too late the take them. So today I had to call off work and am experiencing withdrawals plus my therapist canceled our appointment for later today. Also have a birthday later this week that I am very depressed to be having, not entirely sure why but I think the main thing may be that I had expected to have a degree by this age if I made it this far and here I am not even close to having a degree or being able to work towards one but still alive and having no idea what I want in life but that it is not this.
This was meant to be an intro but I realize it just became a big rant. If you made it this far thanks for listening.
Introduction of sorts. This may not make total sense as my mind is very foggy currently.
I found this site a few weeks ago looking at methods (found the NYT article). Anyhow I've been lurking and debating back and forth on if I should create an account or not. I have finally decided with a bit of stipulation to do so.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm hoping to get from joining. I think mainly I saw how kind and engaged some of the folks who have been on here a while seem to be and I thought It'd be worth joining for that. Even if I personally don't get much from being on here I do hope I can help others feel heard.
So a bit about me. I have had a ton of anxiety from a very young age, some of my earliest memories are of panic attacks. I have been in therapy since before starting elementary school as well. Lots of trauma and I would say my biggest challenge with mental health and life in general is my PTSD. I honestly thought I would avoid getting back to this point in my life. The first time I really considered ctb I was 8 years old and made a plan to drown myself, it was a sound plan that I think would have worked but I backed out due to wanting to stick around to be there for my younger sibling. Things got really bad again in my mid teens and I was self harming a lot and almost went through with a plan (that would almost certainly have not worked but likely left me with lasting side effects) but again backed out due to not being willing to hurt people like that (once again especially my younger sibling). At that point I essentially turned myself in to some family friends and admitted everything because I knew I would find a way to ctb if not physically stopped. This led to a decent amount of time spent in an impatient facility, thankfully this was not as bad as many of the horror stories I have heard and while it wasn't good it did keep me alive. Things were rocky from there but did begin to improve. I found a better therapist, got on medication, switched schools, etc. A lot has changed since then that I do not want to detail fully as I am trying to find a balance between sharing my story and not giving enough away that I could be identified by someone I know. That being said I am now have cut off toxic family, am closer with the family I choose to keep, have found a very good support system with fantastic friends, etc.
This brings me to what ultimately brought me here. I made a promise to myself some time ago that even if it got really really bad again I would never ctb even if I unbearably wanted to. I do not judge anyone's choice to do what they feel is right for them but for me personally this was a matter of simple logic. The amount of pain I would avoid by no longer existing was less than the amount of pain I would cause by leaving the people I love. From a logical standpoint then ctb will never be worth it unless I somehow lost the majority of the people who care about me. That promise is something I will stick to but it is becoming so hard these past few weeks. I've gone from a stable albeit often hard to navigate state of mental health to almost full on crisis mode. The only thing that brings me comfort is spending time with those I love but as soon as I am alone again it all comes rushing back. I have realized that I want more reason to stay than to prevent hurting people, it will do for now but I don't know how to find that meaning within myself as my life progresses. In many ways I am a success I never believed I could be, I have a job I love, an amazing support network, live someplace that feels like home. On the other hand my brain is too messed up for getting a degree to ever be realistic, I don't have a drivers license or have a car, and worst of all my brain is almost always foggy. I can't remember the names for basic items on a regular basis, I surround myself by smart people and then often find myself feeling incredibly stupid because although I know I have to capability to be smart I can't think clearly enough to even remember things like my own phone number.
This all leading up to last night when I sh again after at least a year of not, it was hard at first, part of me was definitely fighting it, knowing that regression is a slippery slope and I could quickly go from being in control of what I do with my life to falling into a spiral of self destructive behaviors where I lose control and lose everything I have fought so hard to gain. Well the part of me fighting against it lost that battle and I think it will be hard to revert now that I have started. Additionally I forgot to take my medication last night (I never do because I can't sleep without one of them but I thought it was bc of the sh and general mental state I wasn't sleeping until I fully awoke and realized at about 5 am (30 min before my wake up alarm *sigh*) and then it was too late the take them. So today I had to call off work and am experiencing withdrawals plus my therapist canceled our appointment for later today. Also have a birthday later this week that I am very depressed to be having, not entirely sure why but I think the main thing may be that I had expected to have a degree by this age if I made it this far and here I am not even close to having a degree or being able to work towards one but still alive and having no idea what I want in life but that it is not this.
This was meant to be an intro but I realize it just became a big rant. If you made it this far thanks for listening.
hello and welcome to sasu
