Hi everyone, 35yo woman here from Los Angeles. I just wanted to say hello and thank you for including me in the forum. I don't even know where to start. I feel like I'm coming out of my most recent suicidal storm, the clouds are parting a little, but I am not sure, and my life is still a disaster, as it has been for years. I kicked off into this longgggg paralyzing depression fall 2017 after losing someone important to me and my life has been marked by loss ever since. Loss and trauma compounded. I grew up in an abusive household and I have worked in the entertainment industry (barely, lately), but all the child abuse has made me a totally fucked up human and my career took some turns as I was figuring my path out and apparently now I"m just unemployable. I am a total failure and I cannot get over the child abuse and it just makes me feel like more of a failure, all the time. I know I've had it a lot easier than others which makes it even worse. I should be able to get over it all and just work and live a life but I can't. I've been single for ten years and the only 'relationships' I've had in the interim have been toxic and people have rejected me cruelly - I've never treated anyone the way they have treated me. I was raped at 18 and at 31, assaulted by homeless people twice in the last year, I just feel like a total loser and like I'm a magnet for everything bad in life. I wish my mother had killed me when I was a child like she wanted to.
I want to buy a gun but the gun laws in California are extensive and I'm honestly terrified of guns (weird, huh). I do think I'll try to get the application in, because I'm 99% sure I'm clear to buy one (I was arrested years ago but the charges were dropped). I am completely alone, I don't have any close friends - I've tried making them but I guess everyone can just sense that I'm a fuck up and they don't want to get too close. I have acquaintances, but nobody knows me. Plus at 35, most people are settled in their lives already - partners, kids, their own close friends already in existence, nobody wants a new friend.
I am glad to have found this place. I want to die or for my life to be better, for the problems to be gone, the social anxiety, the self-loathing, self-doubt, bottomless pit of emptiness inside me to disappear. I think the hardest part is that I've had periods of hopefulness, periods of time where I feel like things will be okay... but deep deep down underneath it, I always know that suicide will return and one day I"m going to lose. I just had really hoped I could do something worthwhile with my life beforehand, I have had such authentic love of life in moments where I could synthesize it, and gosh, I wish that could have been my norm. Nothing good lasts, and there isn't a single person on the planet who truly loves me. What a pointless existence, right? I hate all these stupid terrorist attacks, mass shootings... why can't I just get caught in one?? I've done therapy since I was 19... therapy got me this far. I should have just killed myself instead, it would have avoided a lot of awful, horrible, wasteful things.
Anyway, thank you for hearing me out and anyone who has read this far, thank you. Hope you're doing all right.
I want to buy a gun but the gun laws in California are extensive and I'm honestly terrified of guns (weird, huh). I do think I'll try to get the application in, because I'm 99% sure I'm clear to buy one (I was arrested years ago but the charges were dropped). I am completely alone, I don't have any close friends - I've tried making them but I guess everyone can just sense that I'm a fuck up and they don't want to get too close. I have acquaintances, but nobody knows me. Plus at 35, most people are settled in their lives already - partners, kids, their own close friends already in existence, nobody wants a new friend.
I am glad to have found this place. I want to die or for my life to be better, for the problems to be gone, the social anxiety, the self-loathing, self-doubt, bottomless pit of emptiness inside me to disappear. I think the hardest part is that I've had periods of hopefulness, periods of time where I feel like things will be okay... but deep deep down underneath it, I always know that suicide will return and one day I"m going to lose. I just had really hoped I could do something worthwhile with my life beforehand, I have had such authentic love of life in moments where I could synthesize it, and gosh, I wish that could have been my norm. Nothing good lasts, and there isn't a single person on the planet who truly loves me. What a pointless existence, right? I hate all these stupid terrorist attacks, mass shootings... why can't I just get caught in one?? I've done therapy since I was 19... therapy got me this far. I should have just killed myself instead, it would have avoided a lot of awful, horrible, wasteful things.
Anyway, thank you for hearing me out and anyone who has read this far, thank you. Hope you're doing all right.
