Venting I'm very tired...

[Telfran]

During the summer, I was the closest to happiness that I've ever been. I didn't have a job and I was waiting for college to start, so I got to spend my days in contentment, reading, playing video games, walking my dog, and every Friday I got to play DnD with my friends. I was still lonely (lonely for love, not lonely for friends), but it was manageable; I wasn't being confronted with it at least once a day. But that came to an end, over the past 3 months my life has returned to being the hell that it was throughout high school; except this time I don't have friends and teachers that care about me.

Four out of five of my professors assign homework relentlessly, and they don't even bother holding classes, we just read parts of the textbook and answer questions. During the two days a week that I'm on campus I see couples holding hands, I'm not the type of person that gets angry at other people for having what I don't, but it still hurts. I only get to hang out with my friends from high school every six weeks; because two of them are going to a college out of state. I haven't made any new friends. My hairline has started receding. I hate my major (Computer Science and Engineering), but all the other majors seem just as shitty, and I think any job that I could possibly get would make me just as miserable as I am now.

I've thought about dropping out and trying to get disability from the government, but by doing that I would give up any chance of finding someone to love me. I would just live out my days doing the things that I did last summer; all the while hearing that quiet screaming from the back of my mind; shouting "you're alone...you're alone...you're alone."

I doubt that I will CTB anytime soon, I'm too pathetic to even try.

I still have some semblance of hope: insidious, cruel, maddening hope.

 

[degeneratewaste]

welcome, @Telfran . thank you for sharing some of your story here. I hope that you can find solace in the forums.

I understand the stresses of school. I also attend university, so we are probably around a similar age, and I completely understand how stressful it is in comparison to summertime. it's difficult to find the motivation to do work, especially when we are like this.

I'm also very sorry that you have to deal with such loneliness. it can be extremely crippling.

I hope you find what you want here - there are recovery sections as well as the general suicide talk. I would also suggest the chat room for newcomers too, it has really helped me in knowing that there are people here that understand my pains. there are some amazing people on this website. I really hope that you can feel welcome here.

 

[StringPuppet]

I've thought about dropping out and trying to get disability from the government, but by doing that I would give up any chance of finding someone to love me.

Why do you think that would forfeit your chances at finding love?