Venting im trying

[wasteandvoid]

im seeing real progress and change and im trying since my last post here but today i fucked up and failed a lot, its my first time not being isolated for a while and i tried to make friends online

it kind of helped but nothing could prepare me for the anxiety and everything that just made me fail completely and make a horrible first impression

im still trying though i got over the shit that i was dealing with in my last post kind of i see it differently its still bad though

i have more to change but i see my errors

everything is still in massive fucking chaos though and i thought i had a foothold, but it all got ripped away from me

i hate failing in front of people so fucking much but im at the point where i have enough respect for myself to move on, and not care about the attachment as much as the lesson learned from my failure


i just want to get to the place in my head that is vauge and i know its the end of all this what everything is supposed to be but its so fucking hard

i dont understand so much shit anymore, and i feel like im at a mentally intoxicating place where my emotions are so strong that i cant actually analyze things anymore, i just get stuck inside them


i dont know what to say i just hate myself a lot the only thing keeping me from killing myself is that i can feel happy at the end of this, ive felt it for a few seconds in pieces and i know what i have to do to keep it permanently

i just have to keep letting the world kill me over and over and be faced with more painful shit and failure i didn't want to confront before, until i can finally get over issues that started when i was like 3, and evolved into the demons of patterns ruling my life that they are today

 

[kitbarks]

know the feeling, everytime you think you got it, another curvball appears, sometimes things happen, sometimes you dont know why you feel like shit, and screw up everything.