I'm scared

[Rose Mirren]

I'm so sorry I just need someone, anyone right now I feel so alone and lonely and I'm scared because it's back. I was raped before and oh god I thought I was able to heal already even went through this EMDR therapy but it's coming back and I'm pulled back to that night and see I had to act like a slut to get away because he won't let me go away and I feel so dirty and so ashamed and there's no one and I can't even sleep or be alone with my thoughts because it comes back I'm so scared

 

[21Neberg]

You shouldn't be ashamed. What you must have gone through that night is unimaginable for me, but I know you're on of the strongest people on this site because you're still here.
You mention the EMDR therapy, perhaps your therapist or doctor can help you with a different kind of therapy? There's clearly a lot of pain and trauma still inside you that has to be dealt with.

 

[stellabelle]

I'm so sorry I just need someone, anyone right now I feel so alone and lonely and I'm scared because it's back. I was raped before and oh god I thought I was able to heal already even went through this EMDR therapy but it's coming back and I'm pulled back to that night and see I had to act like a slut to get away because he won't let me go away and I feel so dirty and so ashamed and there's no one and I can't even sleep or be alone with my thoughts because it comes back I'm so scared

I'm so sorry Rose. I have been through this too, and it is part of the reason that I want to die. I live with flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks all day every day. It will never get better. Do not ever blame yourself for what happened. I've been blamed for my attack. I blame myself for it too. But I know it wasn't my fault. This wasn't your fault either.
There are a lot of places to talk online including RAINN. I never have luck getting through to them because of a wait time, but when I have before it helped slightly.

 

[Rose Mirren]

Thank you but oh god I'm just so tired of trying. I was first diagnosed with MDD in college because I equated my self worth with my academic performance and the more low grades I got, the deeper down I fell. And I took a break and got over that and went back to school and my first month there, I was fucking raped so now there's MDD and PTSD. And things got worse and worse and I attempted several times and had to leave school again but I fucking managed to recover still and then I go back to school and find out later on I have bipolar disorder that was hiding behind my PTSD so now I have mania and depression and mixed attacks and now there's bipolar and MDD and PTSD and fuck as soon as I think I'm getting better another one just adds to the fuck-up train and I'm just so so sooo tired why is it so hard to fucking die

 

[Rose Mirren]

I'm sorry I'm so sorry I know I'm ranting and I don't want to burden anyone here I'm just... it's so hard. It's just so hard.

 

[wiIIow]

I'm sorry I'm so sorry I know I'm ranting and I don't want to burden anyone here I'm just... it's so hard. It's just so hard.

babe you don't have to be sorry, this isn't your fault. I'm very sorry you're suffering, I can empathise and I wish I could give you some advice that would help. I have my own trauma; flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, the whole shebang. It's a horrible way to live, especially when you also have bipolar disorder interacting with the trauma. All I can really offer is empathy and sympathy I guess, since I haven't fully learned to function with this shit

The only thing that has sort of helped was DBT/mindfulness exercises. It sounds stupid, but it can be helpful to train yourself to focus on sensations, be in the moment and observe your thoughts from an outside perspective. Of course that doesn't do shit once you have already slipped into a mental crisis, but it can help as a preventative thing. I've found that when I exercise these habits and meditate and stuff, it seems to help a bit in the long run. Even simple things, like when I'm having my morning coffee and smoke, I dont look at my phone or anything. I just observe the taste and warmth of the coffee, the sensation of the smoke coming in and then out of my body. It's kinda hard to explain I guess, and It's a slow and frustrating process. But I personally have found the most help in making myself aware of physical sensations and focusing on the moment where I am.

I hope that was at least a little helpful. in amy case you dont deserve to suffer like this, and I am sad and angry for you. it's not your fault, whatever happened, you did what you had to do to survive that moment. it's not your fault.

 

[ReadyasEver]

Rose, you have no reason to apologize. We all understand in some way or another. Life deals us all a bad hand occasionally. In my case, it's a terminal illness. Rant all you want, that's why many of us are here. Relating our shared pain and stories hopefully can help us.

 

[StarDust]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you, truly. I have been in your shoes. I too was a victim of sexual assault and I was left a broken mess of nothingness for awhile. That is normal. Horrible but normal. I had severe PTSD was on tons of meds to try and help me cope. I want to say it gets better with time and therapy and it can. But it will not be easy. I have had years to deal with me (many years) but I am still haunted by it. I have triggers that send me off into the far reaches of my mind. And once I start thinking about it, well, it's hard to stop. It gets easier though but again, it takes a lot of time to deal with something that traumatic.

Do not be hard on yourself. You didn't do this, they did, NOT YOU! You are a strong person and you made it through, yes with tons of scars, but you made it out alive. You are strong you can do this, don't let that person beat you down and win. That is exactly what they want. "Fight like a Girl" :D