ari0519786011
New Member
- Feb 13, 2026
- 1
first post, idk what im doing, or where to start really... this'll probably be very disorganized, i just wanted to vent.
my life isn't bad. it's not great, mediocre at best maybe, but its not bad. i struggle with bpd and pdd. but, i have a job, i have a family who tries to support me, im still capable of going back to school, and i'd like to... things are fine, my life is fine still, im trudging through every single day, thinking life is meaningless, feeling little besides a lack of hope. i have no hobbies, i can't find enjoyment in anything i do anymore. i ignore all my friends, i have none physically near me anymore, i feel so out of touch from the people who used to be my closest friends. my bf loves me, and i think i want to love him, but it feels impossible. i can't feel anything beyond surface level, i struggle to care about him or show him any sympathy, or love or anything. i've found recently that i want to have sex, but the physical act is repulsive to me, which only makes the situation worse... we haven't been an amazing couple, and i fell in love with someone else in the middle of this relationship, yet we stayed together.... i dont know how to feel. i'm a shitty person. i'm lazy, i'm tired all the time, im constantly craving alcohol, i eat too much, i dont do any chores, i leave a mess everywhere, i cheated on my boyfriend and lost several opportunities because of it, i ignore the people who care about me, i dont care about anything enough.
i'm not sure what im getting at, i didnt organize my thoughts at all before writing this. anyways, the point is, i guess: i'm stuck. i dont want to exist anymore. i know what i can do to make that happen, and im capable of going through with it, but i havent. i think about it constantly, but i dont do anything. my bf tells me constantly that all i want to do is think about it, i'll never really do it. he doesn't want me to do it. on the other hand though, im only putting as much effort into my life as it takes to scrape by. im not moving towards becoming anything significant..... im not doing anything.
im not sure if i want encouragement to help push me to the end, or if i want support to keep living in a life that provides me absolutely nothing emotionally. i get that one decision is permanent, i understand it should be my last resort, and like i said, my life is objectively fine. but going through every single day in this state is miserable.... but i dont know how to explain it, i dont know how to help anyone understand this feeling.... from an outside perspective, i just seem pathetic, miserable, and lazy. or maybe im just paranoid (i know i am, at least a little)..
my life isn't bad. it's not great, mediocre at best maybe, but its not bad. i struggle with bpd and pdd. but, i have a job, i have a family who tries to support me, im still capable of going back to school, and i'd like to... things are fine, my life is fine still, im trudging through every single day, thinking life is meaningless, feeling little besides a lack of hope. i have no hobbies, i can't find enjoyment in anything i do anymore. i ignore all my friends, i have none physically near me anymore, i feel so out of touch from the people who used to be my closest friends. my bf loves me, and i think i want to love him, but it feels impossible. i can't feel anything beyond surface level, i struggle to care about him or show him any sympathy, or love or anything. i've found recently that i want to have sex, but the physical act is repulsive to me, which only makes the situation worse... we haven't been an amazing couple, and i fell in love with someone else in the middle of this relationship, yet we stayed together.... i dont know how to feel. i'm a shitty person. i'm lazy, i'm tired all the time, im constantly craving alcohol, i eat too much, i dont do any chores, i leave a mess everywhere, i cheated on my boyfriend and lost several opportunities because of it, i ignore the people who care about me, i dont care about anything enough.
i'm not sure what im getting at, i didnt organize my thoughts at all before writing this. anyways, the point is, i guess: i'm stuck. i dont want to exist anymore. i know what i can do to make that happen, and im capable of going through with it, but i havent. i think about it constantly, but i dont do anything. my bf tells me constantly that all i want to do is think about it, i'll never really do it. he doesn't want me to do it. on the other hand though, im only putting as much effort into my life as it takes to scrape by. im not moving towards becoming anything significant..... im not doing anything.
im not sure if i want encouragement to help push me to the end, or if i want support to keep living in a life that provides me absolutely nothing emotionally. i get that one decision is permanent, i understand it should be my last resort, and like i said, my life is objectively fine. but going through every single day in this state is miserable.... but i dont know how to explain it, i dont know how to help anyone understand this feeling.... from an outside perspective, i just seem pathetic, miserable, and lazy. or maybe im just paranoid (i know i am, at least a little)..
