ChildrensITV
Arcanist
- Mar 14, 2023
- 488
I don't know why I am posting this here instead of in my diary. Maybe I'll post it there later. Maybe there might be someone out there that feels like me. I'll try to keep it brief.
I've been depressed and suicidal for most of my life now. For over 2 decades. The nearest I got to suicide was in 2023 when I got the SN thanks to a link on this site. The police tried to take from me, but luckily, I had lost it. Then refound it after they left. I went to therapy and stayed alive, stupidly. Life was still shit in 2023, got even shitter in 2024 and then in late 2025, my life one-upped itself yet again. I haven't even rebounded back from that for a new bout of depression to hit me - I'm still dealing with the latest bout.
It has dawned on me how nobody knows what I go through just be here. My family and friends would call me selfish for ending it, but have no idea what it takes for me just to get out of bed with a life like mine. I am partly alive cuz I'm a coward, but also cuz it would hurt them a lot. But to save them pain, I have to live it myself. And whereas they would get over my pain, I have to live my pain until I die. I'm alive just so they don't have to throw mud on my coffin and sing at my graveside.
Even if I told them how bad my life is, I wouldn't be met with any empathy. And empathy wouldn't help anyway. They see me alive and assume I'm getting through life. They assume I'm surviving. The truth is, I'm dying bit by bit, but you would need to be me and understand me deeply to see it.
I didn't CTB when the motivation was strong. Now I am left in a depressed-zombielike state. I'm on autopilot. I'm barely a person. I have to be a zombie and dead on my feet for them. If I CTB, I'm selfish. But them wanting me to stick around against my own will isn't selfish somehow.
I'm at the rock-bottom I feared. Most of my waking moments are just looking forward to sleeping or fapping if I can be bothered. Or drinking. Apart from those moments of escape, the next milestone for me is death. All I can say is thank goodness I have death to look forward to. It's the one shining light in my life.
