Venting i'm having a hard time, any advice?

[fruitcup333]

hello all,

i just wanted to vent here for a second and hope someone may be able to relate or offer advice on a number of things that've crossed my mind recently. i'm sure some of you have seen my mini goals thread (is it called a thread? lol) to help myself as i'm currently trying to stop a depression episode from getting worse and prevent myself from spiraling downward further. and i know recovery isn't a linear thing and it'll have its ups and downs but it seems that the way my emotions sway is very severe. it seems like sometimes i can go through having a good day to a bad day and vice versa multiple times a day even within the span of mere minutes at times. my therapist says i'm very good at "all-or-nothing" thinking and i agree but that's thinking not feeling (i know the two are intertwined though) but it seems like my emotions have a mind of their own and seem to be "all-or-nothing" and in turn my thoughts follow suit. it's making it very hard to try and get out of the depressive episode and actually want to not ctb.

on top of all this it's affecting my work which i don't like at all. my job is pretty fast paced and i feel like i'm slowing down a lot because when i get in a down mood i just feel like giving up on everything. i do actually enjoy working when i feel good but it's really hard to enjoy it if you feel like shit. not to mention my job is very stressful at times and even when i'm doing good i can feel that stress, but since i've been in these down moods it's hard to just not give up at the slightest stress i feel.

another thing i'm having issues with because of these ruts i'm going through is my motivation for school. i went to class the other day and we were reading this essay some lady wrote and i couldn't help but feel bad about myself because the writing was so well done and it was written how i wish i could write and it just reminded me that i'll never be able to live up to that academic ideal i want to achieve. i want to be the perfect student and in my mind i can live out that reality but then when it comes time for me to actually take action i'm left not wanting to because i can't achieve the perfect ideal that exists in my head (i hope this makes sense). i know with depression and ADHD school can look different and my effort and what works for me can look different but i can't help but compare myself to the ideals in my head. does anyone else struggle with this?

i think that's all i've got to say for now. if anyone can relate let me know or if you have any advice i'd love to hear it. i'm sorry about my ramblings here too i just feel like this is my safe space to actually talk about my feelings free of judgement because the people here understand. thanks again for giving my words your time of day.

 

[orpheus_]

The part you wrote about that essay and writing is too relatable. I wish I could just, do things, make something, like art or academic stuff, but I just always look at these people who are already good at it and thing... Damn, I will never be so good. I will never make good illustrations without art school, I will never write a good essay or novel because I cannot express my thoughts coherently, because my mind is too chaotic etc. Probably not true, objectively, because these people who are good also got there somehow. Also that.. just not wanting to do anything anymore sometimes. I don't get severe mood swings but I am very inconsistent about what I want to do, both long term goals and short term activities. I can sometimes have a long-time goal and want to commit to it, then the next hour it doesn't matter at all. I have no advice, really, I'm sorry you're going through this especially if your mood changes so drastically, that must be tiring. You mentioned adhd so I'm assuming you have it, that is very likely related but I guess that you know it already.
I could say that just try to make things, write if you want to write, do some stuff without caring if it's perfect or not but at the same time I know it's very hard "not caring" about it and also doing *anything* in this situation is probably hard. Not saying there is nothing than can be done here but I for sure don't know the answers and I'm also looking for them.

 

[3/4Dead]

I can certainly relate to my feelings being their own separate entity and then I exist somewhere else and just sort of passively experience them. If you're familiar with the cognitive behavioral triangle at all then you'll know what I mean when I say that sometimes feelings really take over our ability to think differently and to act against them. Sort of from a scientific perspective, the solution to shitty feelings is to lie to yourself until you stop feeling shitty. For example, with reading that essay, when you find yourself feeling bad about it, you have to actively force yourself to think about positives from the other side. Your natural response to reading that essay, is to say that you'll never be as good as the author, but you try to then think actively that you are working toward that standard of writing, and that eventually you'll be as good as they are. I hope that makes sense ! lol i'm sort of speed typing sorry lol.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely sympathise with the feeling we will never be as good as these other people. That doesn't mean that you'll never achieve anything though. Imagine if we only had one book, one sculpture, one movie, one game, one painting, one piece of music to enjoy because- once that had been created- everyone else gave up. There's room to appreciate lots in this world and, we all appreciate different things.

Also- you simply won't know how good you can become without trying. And, the more you do- likely, the better you'll get.

I tend to find that fear of failure and letting others down will eventually push me to do things. Even if they aren't the best- it's obviously better to submit something, rather than nothing. Both in a work and school setting.

I also feel stressed under pressure but then- I tell myself: This job needs doing- regardless of how you are feeling inside. So- just try to get a grip on yourself, carry on and do your best.

Ultimately- that's how it stands. You either let the feelings of inadequacy and the nerves force you to give up- in which case- you may outright fail. Or- you do the best you can. Knowing that you've then added that little bit more experience to your skills.

Sometimes, we just have to be realistic and accept things too. We may never be quite as good as this other person but then- presumably, people saw enough admirable/ exploitable qualities in us to both accept us on an educational course and to employ us. Ultimately- that's what we need to afford to live. It would be great of course- to become one of the best in something but, we need to keep our jobs/ course placements. So- it would be really unfortunate to let the drive to be the best cost us the chance to do it at all.

 

[fruitcup333]

The part you wrote about that essay and writing is too relatable. I wish I could just, do things, make something, like art or academic stuff, but I just always look at these people who are already good at it and thing... Damn, I will never be so good. I will never make good illustrations without art school, I will never write a good essay or novel because I cannot express my thoughts coherently, because my mind is too chaotic etc. Probably not true, objectively, because these people who are good also got there somehow. Also that.. just not wanting to do anything anymore sometimes. I don't get severe mood swings but I am very inconsistent about what I want to do, both long term goals and short term activities. I can sometimes have a long-time goal and want to commit to it, then the next hour it doesn't matter at all. I have no advice, really, I'm sorry you're going through this especially if your mood changes so drastically, that must be tiring. You mentioned adhd so I'm assuming you have it, that is very likely related but I guess that you know it already.
I could say that just try to make things, write if you want to write, do some stuff without caring if it's perfect or not but at the same time I know it's very hard "not caring" about it and also doing *anything* in this situation is probably hard. Not saying there is nothing than can be done here but I for sure don't know the answers and I'm also looking for them.

thank you for your response! i feel better knowing someone else can relate. feeling this way can be really isolating for me. do you have the same problem where you want it to be perfect though? like the things you'd want to create you also want to be perfect to your standard if that makes sense? because for me anything i want to do creatively i want to be perfect (at least my standard of perfect lol) like it can be in my head but when it can't be in this reality because of the limits of my mind it makes me not want to try at all. to just give up. like with writing again, i have so many ideas in my brain but with my motivation issues and my lack of skill i feel i'll never be able to get them out so i just don't try at all. i just feel like this reality/my mental disorders limit me. sorry for the rambling lol

I can certainly relate to my feelings being their own separate entity and then I exist somewhere else and just sort of passively experience them. If you're familiar with the cognitive behavioral triangle at all then you'll know what I mean when I say that sometimes feelings really take over our ability to think differently and to act against them. Sort of from a scientific perspective, the solution to shitty feelings is to lie to yourself until you stop feeling shitty. For example, with reading that essay, when you find yourself feeling bad about it, you have to actively force yourself to think about positives from the other side. Your natural response to reading that essay, is to say that you'll never be as good as the author, but you try to then think actively that you are working toward that standard of writing, and that eventually you'll be as good as they are. I hope that makes sense ! lol i'm sort of speed typing sorry lol.

kinda like manifesting? if you know what that is

I definitely sympathise with the feeling we will never be as good as these other people. That doesn't mean that you'll never achieve anything though. Imagine if we only had one book, one sculpture, one movie, one game, one painting, one piece of music to enjoy because- once that had been created- everyone else gave up. There's room to appreciate lots in this world and, we all appreciate different things.

Also- you simply won't know how good you can become without trying. And, the more you do- likely, the better you'll get.

I tend to find that fear of failure and letting others down will eventually push me to do things. Even if they aren't the best- it's obviously better to submit something, rather than nothing. Both in a work and school setting.

I also feel stressed under pressure but then- I tell myself: This job needs doing- regardless of how you are feeling inside. So- just try to get a grip on yourself, carry on and do your best.

Ultimately- that's how it stands. You either let the feelings of inadequacy and the nerves force you to give up- in which case- you may outright fail. Or- you do the best you can. Knowing that you've then added that little bit more experience to your skills.

Sometimes, we just have to be realistic and accept things too. We may never be quite as good as this other person but then- presumably, people saw enough admirable/ exploitable qualities in us to both accept us on an educational course and to employ us. Ultimately- that's what we need to afford to live. It would be great of course- to become one of the best in something but, we need to keep our jobs/ course placements. So- it would be really unfortunate to let the drive to be the best cost us the chance to do it at all.

i know i definitely have comparison issues like bad. i try to try but the fact i'll never meet my standard of perfection is really demotivating for me. i know that's where the issue lies though, this ideal of "perfection" i need to get over but i'm so addicted to daydreaming about this reality where things can be perfect and i really don't want to give that up if that makes sense? it's like a bad coping mechanism.

i've really been trying to do the best i can recently but i think my depression worsening is making it hard to do so. thank you for the advice!

 

[orpheus_]

thank you for your response! i feel better knowing someone else can relate. feeling this way can be really isolating for me. do you have the same problem where you want it to be perfect though? like the things you'd want to create you also want to be perfect to your standard if that makes sense? because for me anything i want to do creatively i want to be perfect (at least my standard of perfect lol) like it can be in my head but when it can't be in this reality because of the limits of my mind it makes me not want to try at all. to just give up. like with writing again, i have so many ideas in my brain but with my motivation issues and my lack of skill i feel i'll never be able to get them out so i just don't try at all. i just feel like this reality/my mental disorders limit me. sorry for the rambling lol

I used to be very much a perfectionist, not anymore I would say. I did lots of art stuff since I was a kid and over time I actually saw that making *anything* is better than making nothing while waiting for perfection. As completing any creative projects was the only thing that really gave me positive feelings tbh. So in theory I accepted the "things don't have to be perfect" attitude, but at the same time I always feel like I can't even do "good enough" for the thing to be worth working on. My mind just gets locked and I cannot work on it then, suddendly no thoughts, no ideas, and all the skills I ever had disappear or seem pathetic. It's the worst with writing but also happens with illustrations. Also I want for things I make to have "the thing", like some nonspecific thing they give me, that feeling of "yes, this is how it was supposed to be like". Can't explain it really. Like - I don't strive for perfection, but I strive for fulfilling some specific goals for that thing, "matching the core of its vision in my head"... Okay I guess you may get the idea.

I'm always the guy to tell others - go make things, go make bad art, write bad essays, say stupid things, as long as it's not hurting anyone, we need it. It makes the world alive, people expressing themselves, and it doesn't matter if it's perfect, and silly experiments are the way to go, because over time you can develop skills with them or find some things you like, or even give some joy to others.
Well, I actually believe all of this, rationally. But at the same time I struggle with it myself. Conscious opinions are one thing, but then when it comes to actually finding motivation... Apparently, "why bother".

I'm sorry that this is stopping you from doing things. Probably depression plays a huge factor here, it can really mess up people's perception of themselves and their work. Perfectionism still comes from different factors, though, so maybe what could help you is looking for what is the core of it for you. For some it stems from fear of being judged, for others it's low self-esteem and wanting to "prove your worth", or being sad that you didn't have the possibilities to develop skills like the people who are better at it, etc, the reasons are different for everyone and I think that knowing where it's coming from can help potentially.