Story I'm back, and I'm sorry. Going to attempt recovery again.

[NutOrat]

Hi. I'm ok at the moment, and I want to apologize for the post I made on Friday. I'm sorry I might've made some people upset or worried. It seems so childish now, after I've had some time to cool off, but I really was in my worst breakdown maybe ever on that night. I want to promise it won't happen again, but I never keep promises, so all I can do is apologize.

I didn't come back earlier because I felt awful about just saying that and leaving. Also because I knew reading replies and writing this would be hard. But truthfully? I thought, maybe it would've been easier to just leave it at that. Never log back on, make it seem like I really commited. Then I wouldn't have had to explain anything, I'd make it seem like I actually stayed true to my words, for once.

I didn't do anything, of course. Didn't even touch the rope that night. Instead what happened was, I couldn't keep it in, again. Two days prior, my father said something I couldn't stop thinking about: "if you love me and your mom, you wouldn't do that to us". I was so angry, not even at him, but at the phrase itself, how ingrained that way of thinking is in all of us. It made me spiral into some really bad mental gymnastics in the following days. I still think I was correct in some of my conclusions, but the way I exploded on him and mom was just vile. I didn't think I was capable of being this awful to the people who love me the most. What's the point of caring so much about morality and being humane, if I end up lashing out like that, bringing more unnecessary pain into the world, onto people who don't deserve it?!

Still, they love me enough to look past it. Dad was hurt the most, I know it, even though he never shows it. Mom told me she had no idea my condition was that bad. She thought if they gave me enough time, It would resolve on its own. Honestly, if I didn't explode on Friday, if I acted "like a man" for once, I probably would've done it, at least would've attempted. I still wonder if that would've been a better outcome for everyone.

I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I was already meaning to, I had this plan to finish off my preparations for the way out, in case nothing helps, and then finally, properly commit to recovery, for real this time. I wanted to do it as a personal, voluntary decision, but ended up being begged to and appointed almost by force. What the fuck is my problem? Why must I always make a scene, even when there's no reason to? Must I always be forced to do every little thing? Why do I always choose to do things in the most difficult way possible? It's as if I enjoy it. I feel so disgusting just writing this.

I do want to fully commit to therapy, but it's not a promise. Again, I can never keep promises, so to avoid additional disappointment and regret, I'll just call it a wish? Anyway, I had 3 days to prepare what to say on the appointment, but of course I avoided it any way I could. I want to not repeat my mistakes from last time, I want to actually try to get properly diagnosed, but I also fear not being takes seriously. You see, in my country, if you're past the age of ~16, autism/ADHD basically don't exist for you. You won't find professionals willing to try diagnose that, hell, some never heard of ADHD. If you're an adult, forget it. As long as you can somewhat function, you'll just have to suck it up. At least, that's what I've been told.

I still want to try, though. How do I even ask a psychiatrist for that? The appointment is just 30 minutes, I'm afraid of wasting it again, or saying something misleading, I am a compulsive liar. I don't want to just get prescribed antidepressants and be sent away. I don't want to fuck it up again. I don't want to go.

 

[thaelyana]

Hello. I'm really glad you're doing better. I wasn't too worried that you might actually go through with it, because you didn't seem like you were going to do it right away. You often said you would, but "not now." I just thought you were taking some distance from Sasu, since it's not really the best place when you're trying to get better. I'm glad you're trying to recover. It's hard, but it's worth it. You don't need to make promises, because it doesn't mean anything unless it truly comes from you. No one should force you to see a specialist; it has to be your choice. Otherwise, you'll feel pressured and won't say what you really want to say. This has to be your own decision. Now that you have an appointment, make the most of it. Think about it; I'm sure you can get better. You're a good person, and you deserve to feel okay. I don't remember who asked about you earlier, but just know that you're appreciated and loved here. That doesn't mean you have to come back, or that it'll always be good for you, but I'm happy to know you're hanging in there. I don't know much about psychiatrists, I've never been to one, but I relate a lot to what you said. When you talk about making promises to yourself, trying to get better, and then stopping, I understand that completely. I was supposed to see a therapist this week too, and I didn't go. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't have the strength. I keep finding excuses, and I can't see myself opening up to someone. And when you say you're afraid of lying, I get that fear of not being able to tell the truth about how you feel. I'm still glad you're talking to someone and that you're going to see a professional. Thirty minutes sounds really short, but it's a start. I see a lot of myself in you. I don't think I'm autistic, but I also tend to lash out horribly at my parents sometimes. Deep down, I think they know something's wrong, but admitting that would mean accepting that maybe part of it is their fault, and that's hard for a parent. You're dealing with a lot, and it's normal to feel overwhelmed, but don't give up. Recovery isn't just about willpower; it's also about timing. Every day is a chance to take a small step. Maybe today isn't the right moment, but maybe tomorrow will be, or even an hour from now. You said you'd rather have left us in silence, to make us think you were dead. But no one would have believed that. And honestly, we'd all rather know that you're alive and trying to get better. If one day you want to leave the platform, you can. I've done it several times without telling anyone, and it's fine. What matters most is that you think about yourself first. We're part of "the others," but we're not your life.

 

[woodlandcreature]

You seem to me like such a kind and sensitive soul. This is not a bad thing, the world can just be very loud and sometimes hostile to such people. That is okay. It sucks sometimes but it is okay. I'm glad you're trying to recover. It is a hard journey and sometimes you'll feel like you're spiraling backwards, but every lapse can still be a step forward if you make it one. I don't think you should have to promise anything to anyone, but if you want to maybe just promise that you'll try your darnedest. Getting diagnosed can feel impossible, but just know you're trying to be proactive and get the help you need. It is not your fault if systems get in the way of that. You are thoroughly appreciated and cared for, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.
I hope you can give yourself some grace today <3

 

[NutOrat]

Thank you both, I don't even know what to say. You're too kind.

I was supposed to see a therapist this week too, and I didn't go. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't have the strength. I keep finding excuses, and I can't see myself opening up to someone.

That's understandable, for these reasons I stopped last time. Hope you do manage to go, at least for a few times, but also probably don't think that if you don't see results in two appointments, that it means it doesn't work (like in my case). I don't know how soon results are meant to show with therapy, it really depends on the therapist's approach and also just personal compatibility, certain people can't help certain people.

I don't think you should have to promise anything to anyone, but if you want to maybe just promise that you'll try your darnedest.

That's maybe the single most unlikely promise for me to keep, because I barely ever try my hardest.

 

[Grimlock]

I am relieved that you have returned and decided on a different path for yourself. After navigating the messy situation you were in, you chose not to leave us in the dark to assume the worst. Thank you for clearing things up and explaining what you were going through. It is good that you are still hanging on, even if you are unsure that you can remain consistent on a promise. Wishing you well on your recovery.