I’m alive today!!

[UserSeven]

I'm a long time lurker on this site, I've gotten close a couple of times to ctb and made big plans before. But only recently did I ever really feel closer than ever.

I guess the only reason I didn't was fear of bodily pain or messing up and doing it wrong.

I talked on the phone with someone off a hotline who got me to calm down, I've never done that before. I know the suicide hotline people mean well but he tried to get the cops to come get me.

A story I know all too well. I'm already in medical debt for situations just like this. Going to the institutions, not actually taking their drugs or advice, getting out and dealing with the embarrassing repercussions of everyone knowing what's going on with me.

I thought about how I'd miss work for three days or more and I'm already broke. About how disappointed my mom would be if I needed help again. Or how my lover would probably use that time to pack all of his stuff and be gone.
It seems like I was thinking of everyone else before myself.
And I started laughing

I started laughing at the absurdity of everything. About what a dumb reason I even had in the first place.
I guess I needed to tell someone.
Someone who wouldn't try to throw me back in the hospital for having problems, or judge me.

The next day, after putting a gun in my mouth, I was acting like nothing even happened at all. How absurd!
I can't explain how weird all of this is.

I guess this was the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm on my way out of this despair maybe. I just really needed someone to understand or relate to this. Everything feels so strange and new now.

 

[kwho]

It seems like I was thinking of everyone else before myself.
And I started laughing

Store this moment and feeling in your memory, try not to lose it, please!

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I get where you are coming from, sometimes the circumstances of things can just feel especially overwhelming in the moment when the mood is right. That you are able to take that and turn it into something to laugh at is awesome, says something about the strength you have in you. Not everyone can find that, or hold onto a sense of humor, in the middle of dark times. You should be proud of yourself. And for what it's worth, I'm glad you are here still, gave me a reason to smile today hearing the later part of your story. Glad you are feeling better.