I'm afraid of "progress"

[plurkid]

I haven't posted anything on here for a few months, mostly just been in the chat.
I once said that I was done coming here because it was such a heavy place that I was absorbing the hard feeling people feel here.
But I'm back. I'm not sure where I am in recovery, sometimes I think I haven't really really recovered at all, like I still dream of ctb, I still fixate on it, I still make imaginary plans and even have bought the items that will help me fulfill it. Now I'm at the point where I'm almost done, I'm really scared honestly because I will be disappointing so many people. My mom whose dead, my friend who ctbed, my 5th grade teacher my aunt my sister my cat my little bubble of friends on here... I'm afraid to hurt them. So I put effort into recovery, but it's really hard. Because deep down I'm still drawn heavily towards the sweet oblivion. I'm scared.

To those friends on here who read this, don't worry I haven't given up, but... idk. I'm scared that other people won't be enough to keep me here. I need to have the internal motivation, not just external. I even looked at my cat one day and told her "I'm sorry, you're not enough." I can't believe I did that but in all honesty it's true. I'm closer to asking for an SN source than I've ever been, just for the sense of security. I'm still trying, I appreciate the support, Im not giving up yet but... I'm about 50/50 on what my fate will be. I love my bubble. I love my sister. But I'm afraid they're not enough.

 

[chris1979]

It's positive that you want to recover. Maybe it can be good to focus on what makes you happy? What would have to change in your life for you to feel a stronger reason to go on?

 

[plurkid]

It's positive that you want to recover. Maybe it can be good to focus on what makes you happy? What would have to change in your life for you to feel a stronger reason to go on?

Honestly happy has simply become distraction. I used to hike and go rock climbing and had friends and family and I was even confident. But I can't do any of those things. I do have friends on here but in real life I'm distant and afraid and even cold. Connection is risk. I know these are things I can do something about but motivation is really hard ATM. I'm not even able to go to work. I haven't given up, I'm in the process of making a decision that could help, but ultimately "happy" is quite difficult to accomplish. Idk I feel like I'm whining when I could do more but I'm out of energy. I'm relying on external motivation. I'm making the most of that, I even cleaned my apartment last night, but there's frequent days where. Ctb goes back to a solution rather than a thing of the past.