monetpompo
you've got everything now
- Apr 21, 2025
- 880
steadily i've lost the hope that my life will be worth anything in the future and that it's worth anything in the present. i have had many nights where i laid awake at night or in the morning and thought about killing myself because that would be the only thing thst could realistically end my constant anxiety and inadequacy compared to everyone around me. i'm only a little bit better than my nonverbal brother because i know how to socialize, but my sister is still the best at socializing because i come across as too blunt and off-putting. even though i have people that are kind of my friends i'm not very close to them and i don't see them often. i get anxious when i'm around them for too long and i have to mentally clock out so i'm not overly aware of how much i'm falling behind everyone. soon, everyone will leave to go to university and i'll be left behind. i don't want to go to my community college anymore, but i need to finish my associates.
i don't have a license so i stopped being able to attend. for a while i tried to get a license but i gave up again because my anxiety just kept on distracting me and making me drive too slowly on the road because i was worried i'd crash into a car. my sister and my dad think that i'll crash the family car if i practice. they don't really believe in me. i don't know if anyone believes in me. i don't want to keep going to driving lessons because they're expensive and my mom will shouldn't invest money in me if i'm suicidal and lazy. i regret sighing up for driving lessons at all. i should've just gave up.
if i were simply a better person, i would suck everything up, get my license, go to college, then go to university. then i would "be happy" because my life would "have purpose". there are success stories on sasu, which is really great! people get partners, they recover, they go back to school or work because of support from the community or their friends. but some people also just keep sinking and sinking without ever dying. it's depressing seeing people log in because they're miserable and they don't know where else to go. i used to think i was above it all, that i'd die after a month, after 2 months, after 3 months, but it has been 8 months, brother. i am still here. i've had weeks where i cried and cried and rolled around in bed like a dumb animal. and i'm still here and i know the only reason i'm still here is because i haven't killed myself. it's not because of god or second chances or hoodoo stuff like that. i'm just here because you only stop hearing from suicidal people if they're dead.
what i hate the most is when people worry about me or try to tell me that i still have a life left to live. i really hate that kind of thing even if the people that say it are well meaning, because i just don't really care. i don't care if it makes me a bad person because i don't want to be thought about or perceived as someone that "should be worried about". i don't know how to phrase it in a way that isn't aggressive, it just makes me really irritated. i never asked to exist and i never asked to be cared about by anyone. i don't care who cares about me or how long my friends have known me because i see myself as disposable and forgettable. of course, i'd done the same thing where i've worried about the people on here even though i know they literally want to die and that i also want to die, because it's human nature and it's contradictory. other people talk about their suicidal friends and say how stressful it is, how much they worry, but they don't tell the suicidal person that because they'll feel guilty and want to kill themselves more. i don't want to talk about being suicidal with people because therapists tweak out and my friends are incapable of understanding it because all of them enjoy being alive. sasu is still a massive depression echo chamber, but i still like it in some ways. i know that i want to kill myself before the year ends but saying that will never mean that i'm going to do it.
i keep staring at the suicide note in my gmail i have drafted to my friend that lives out of town. i keep hoping i'll schedule it instead of backtrack again. by the end of this month i'll have given my christmas gifts and done all i needed to do. i don't know why i bother staying if i have no reason to. i've been working towards having all my goodbyes done and everything settled for so long that i just expect myself to die. i just keep on killing time because there's nothing left to do. i can't set a date anymore because i always get scared and backtrack. i hope one day i don't come back here. it feels so sad to still be writing these posts when i wanted to be dead before this. i don't care if people want my life or that my life seems really carefree because i have no talents and no one that can comfort me. i'm a walking ghost.
i don't have a license so i stopped being able to attend. for a while i tried to get a license but i gave up again because my anxiety just kept on distracting me and making me drive too slowly on the road because i was worried i'd crash into a car. my sister and my dad think that i'll crash the family car if i practice. they don't really believe in me. i don't know if anyone believes in me. i don't want to keep going to driving lessons because they're expensive and my mom will shouldn't invest money in me if i'm suicidal and lazy. i regret sighing up for driving lessons at all. i should've just gave up.
if i were simply a better person, i would suck everything up, get my license, go to college, then go to university. then i would "be happy" because my life would "have purpose". there are success stories on sasu, which is really great! people get partners, they recover, they go back to school or work because of support from the community or their friends. but some people also just keep sinking and sinking without ever dying. it's depressing seeing people log in because they're miserable and they don't know where else to go. i used to think i was above it all, that i'd die after a month, after 2 months, after 3 months, but it has been 8 months, brother. i am still here. i've had weeks where i cried and cried and rolled around in bed like a dumb animal. and i'm still here and i know the only reason i'm still here is because i haven't killed myself. it's not because of god or second chances or hoodoo stuff like that. i'm just here because you only stop hearing from suicidal people if they're dead.
what i hate the most is when people worry about me or try to tell me that i still have a life left to live. i really hate that kind of thing even if the people that say it are well meaning, because i just don't really care. i don't care if it makes me a bad person because i don't want to be thought about or perceived as someone that "should be worried about". i don't know how to phrase it in a way that isn't aggressive, it just makes me really irritated. i never asked to exist and i never asked to be cared about by anyone. i don't care who cares about me or how long my friends have known me because i see myself as disposable and forgettable. of course, i'd done the same thing where i've worried about the people on here even though i know they literally want to die and that i also want to die, because it's human nature and it's contradictory. other people talk about their suicidal friends and say how stressful it is, how much they worry, but they don't tell the suicidal person that because they'll feel guilty and want to kill themselves more. i don't want to talk about being suicidal with people because therapists tweak out and my friends are incapable of understanding it because all of them enjoy being alive. sasu is still a massive depression echo chamber, but i still like it in some ways. i know that i want to kill myself before the year ends but saying that will never mean that i'm going to do it.
i keep staring at the suicide note in my gmail i have drafted to my friend that lives out of town. i keep hoping i'll schedule it instead of backtrack again. by the end of this month i'll have given my christmas gifts and done all i needed to do. i don't know why i bother staying if i have no reason to. i've been working towards having all my goodbyes done and everything settled for so long that i just expect myself to die. i just keep on killing time because there's nothing left to do. i can't set a date anymore because i always get scared and backtrack. i hope one day i don't come back here. it feels so sad to still be writing these posts when i wanted to be dead before this. i don't care if people want my life or that my life seems really carefree because i have no talents and no one that can comfort me. i'm a walking ghost.
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