Help I'm a mother. How could I do this?

[felloffmydinosaur]

This is my first post. I have been drinking, which is uncommon for me. So I hope I make sense. I started self harming in 3rd grade. I feel like I fell out of the womb depressed. Fast forward, I'm in my 30's, I have 3 children. With my husband for 18 years this year. My last just turned 3. My PPD was horrendous. He was born at 25 weeks and almost died several times, then my BIL died 6 days after his birth, then my oldest friend since preschool from suicide 2 days later. *my brain fucking broke*

My life is not that bad. My son is a medical baby, we have 30 appointments a month sometimes. It's crazy. But he's doing much better in most ways, but I'm the only one really that knows how to work his G tube and doctors and what not.

But, I want to die. So bad. I survived a hanging attempt that no one knew about. I fell out of the U shaped cord and was collapsed and disoriented for a while. I wish I didn't make it. I want to buy a gun that won't obliterate anything except my brain but I don't know which one to get.

I feel so selfish. Like, how can I still be so suicidal despite having kids? I'm medicated, even on lithium, and have weekly therapy. But I'm so fucked up. I hate myself. What kind of mother breastfeeds while looking at pictures of shotgun heads to try to talk herself out of it. (I had just been shooting one and pointed it at my face just to see if I could reach.) We were camping and my husband really hurt me right after that. So when I breastfed, all I could think was I wish I had really done it. But it was my nephews gun and he was right by me and I had custody of him and couldn't traumatize him like that. All I can do is overthink how I will logistically fuck up everyone's lives when I die, but I also feel like they're better off.

What the hell do I do from here? I'm so tired. I don't want to continue. I'm desperate.

 

[celestialstarzz]

I don't understand at all what this situation must be like for you, but I hope you feel pride with how well you've taken care of your kids. Being a mother is rough (i know, my mom and I joke about the handful of a teenager i was). I don't want to try and change your mind or anything, but I think if you decide to go, you can leave knowing everything will be handled in some way. I know there are many people who talk about ctb in a hotel or place where they can control who is and isn't going to see them after. Whatever you choose, I just want you to know that the fact that you raised and are currently raising 3 kids is fucking hard, and i can guarantee you're doing an amazing job, even with your struggles. I'm not too sure if this all makes sense, I'm high right now so sorry

 

[felloffmydinosaur]

I don't understand at all what this situation must be like for you, but I hope you feel pride with how well you've taken care of your kids. Being a mother is rough (i know, my mom and I joke about the handful of a teenager i was). I don't want to try and change your mind or anything, but I think if you decide to go, you can leave knowing everything will be handled in some way. I know there are many people who talk about ctb in a hotel or place where they can control who is and isn't going to see them after. Whatever you choose, I just want you to know that the fact that you raised and are currently raising 3 kids is fucking hard, and i can guarantee you're doing an amazing job, even with your struggles. I'm not too sure if this all makes sense, I'm high right now so sorry

Honestly, high people are sometimes the best people to talk to about this stuff. People tell me I'm doing great with my kids. Doctors, therapists, teachers... but I still feel like an utter failure. My husband has an addictive personality and has only been clean since September on drugs and January and one relapse in March from alcohol. I don't trust that he'll stay clean which is probably one of my biggest hurdles. I have been staying alive for other people so long but I sometimes wonder if that will has run out. Thank you so much for responding

 

[ObsidianEnigma]

You have an immensely tough life. Taking care of kids is difficult, and taking care of kids with medical conditions is unbelievably more so.
The situations you have faced could have broken anybody.

You don't need to blame yourself for wanting to get out. Many people in your situation would feel the same, but you don't hear their stories because society discourages talking about it for some reason.

I don't think you are weak or selfish. Selfish might be the people who leave their kids behind for a brief romance or who spend all their money on their own pleasure instead of providing a better education, healthcare, or start in life for them.

But not you. You are already spending all your time with your kids; you are giving them everything you possibly can, to the breaking point.

(I think your therapist provides you with more nuanced advice, but you would likely be told to be more 'selfish'. The usual advice is something like: ask for help with the kids (from your parents, husband, or a babysitter) so you can clear your head sometimes.)

Just know that what you feel is felt by many people; it is an expected human reaction to suffering.

 

[TBONTB]

Sending love for your tough, tough situation and praise for everything you are doing for your kids. You matter to them. You matter.

Glad you have meds and therapy. If there is anyway to get more mental health support, you deserve it.

Take care of yourself.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

YYo

This is my first post. I have been drinking, which is uncommon for me. So I hope I make sense. I started self harming in 3rd grade. I feel like I fell out of the womb depressed. Fast forward, I'm in my 30's, I have 3 children. With my husband for 18 years this year. My last just turned 3. My PPD was horrendous. He was born at 25 weeks and almost died several times, then my BIL died 6 days after his birth, then my oldest friend since preschool from suicide 2 days later. *my brain fucking broke*

My life is not that bad. My son is a medical baby, we have 30 appointments a month sometimes. It's crazy. But he's doing much better in most ways, but I'm the only one really that knows how to work his G tube and doctors and what not.

But, I want to die. So bad. I survived a hanging attempt that no one knew about. I fell out of the U shaped cord and was collapsed and disoriented for a while. I wish I didn't make it. I want to buy a gun that won't obliterate anything except my brain but I don't know which one to get.

I feel so selfish. Like, how can I still be so suicidal despite having kids? I'm medicated, even on lithium, and have weekly therapy. But I'm so fucked up. I hate myself. What kind of mother breastfeeds while looking at pictures of shotgun heads to try to talk herself out of it. (I had just been shooting one and pointed it at my face just to see if I could reach.) We were camping and my husband really hurt me right after that. So when I breastfed, all I could think was I wish I had really done it. But it was my nephews gun and he was right by me and I had custody of him and couldn't traumatize him like that. All I can do is overthink how I will logistically fuck up everyone's lives when I die, but I also feel like they're better off.

What the hell do I do from here? I'm so tired. I don't want to continue. I'm desperate.

"We were camping and my husband really hurt me right after that." Your husband hurt you after?