I'm a curse to my loved ones, but literally

[orpheus_]

I'm not a spiritual person in any way and I'm the "show me the scientific data" kind of guy. But fuck sometimes I really start to believe that a kind of weird supernatural "rule of reality" exists.. that when I'm feeling good, someone from the people I'm the closest with is suffering. And vice versa: when I'm suffering, that person is doing good. I feel like I'm their curse, and I should make myself suffer so they can have a better life. Much of my self harm was because of this.


I have this with my closest friend, it's always that when they're having a very bad day I'm having a great one for no reason, and when I'm feeling terrible then they are quite ok. There were a few months when I experienced the worst time of my life (for no reason) - and they had their best, like they mental problems suddendly started improving. Then it switched, I started getting better and almost immediately after that they got worse. And the more I'm sorting out my life, the more theirs is falling apart.


I sometimes think that the universe will be torturing us both until one of us commits suicide. And it should be me because I never want someone to die for my "happiness" (which will never come). I also know they have a real chance of having a good life if they solve some problems, and I'm just fucked for no obvious reason, I can get better and then I always go back to existential pain.


I once attempted (? Not really because I was only partially planning to die, I guess? It was weird) CTB by hanging because of this but when I kicked the stool and felt the terrible pain I just went, "no dude like what the fuck are you saying" and got my neck out of the noose because generally at that time I was aiming for recovery and trying to live.


It's weird, at the same time believing and not believing it. The "rational" side of me is like, "those are coincidences and confirmation bias", but on the other hand... Maybe I should die and give my loved ones a favor, just in case.


For context, I do not have mental disorders other than plain depression.

Posting this in recovery because the rational me is winning right now. But maybe the other one is not that wrong?

 

[Ethel]

If you want an spirituality perspective, yes,some people do drain others and that makes them happy and more energetic overall ( and the drained loses something)

I don't know if you guys are draining each other somehow,but you should look up if you 2 are linked in some way,shape or form

If 1 improves, 2 gets worse
If 2 improves,1 gets worse

This type of curse makes no sense unless some spirit is fucking with you 2 or...do you even have a reason to be cursed in the first place?


"One giveth, one taketh" but on that note,don't assume you're a curse,try to see what is actually happening or if this is actually a coincidence

 

[orpheus_]

do you even have a reason to be cursed in the first place?

I think it's something in me. I'm just not built for relationships, I am meant to be alone. Before I had this with another friend of mine, when I had the strongest relationship with her.
I think I'm just the one that drains others. Like I run on others' good feelings by stealing them. And when I stop, I feel like shit.

"One giveth, one taketh" but on that note,don't assume you're a curse,try to see what is actually happening or if this is actually a coincidence

I've been observing this pattern for a few years right now. I think there are no moments when both me and the person I'm "tied" with are genuinely feeling okay.

I'm just a terrible person because I know I need to die for many reasons, yet I keep making excuses. I am not meant to live and I should accept that, but I don't want to.

 

[orpheus_]

Theres a fair bit of research that suggests most if not all religious or spritrual phenomenon are just very advanced or unknown science. A"rule of reality" as you said.

Fair. It all points to the fact that this is true. I know I should ctb to stop all of this... But I don't want to die, it's terrible because suddendly my fucking brain decided it wants to keep going. Maybe stopping medications will help