Venting i’ll never truly be able to escape from these thoughts

[turbomightbegone]

pretty self-explanatory via the title, but im complete shit.
every day living in this life is fucking hell. i can never escape from it. im so tired.
whenever i try to be better it just… fails so horribly. I could be doing well for about a week max… then some minor inconvenience sends me into a downwards spiral and resets me back to stage one.
I haven't been frequenting this site as much as I used to because I really am trying to fight my suicidal thoughts, but it never works. never.
i literally have a fucking rope in my bookshelf. but im too scared to use it.
i think im too used to just… being in shit.
too used to being yelled at and overworked and whatnot.
so when I actually try to be better it just… never lasts.
i cant get a diagnosis or go to therapy because my family is keeping me in this hellhole. so it's up to me to fix myself. except i cant fix myself, because im stuck in this hellhole.
my friends are my only source of distraction and healing but im being cut off from them thanks to my bitchass mother.
i cant even function in society because i was never taught to. i was pulled out of education half the time, I can't fucking socialise with random people, i cant go to college or get a job because of my lack of education and socialisation and my only source of income is these stupid fucking art commissions that im not even good at so who the actual fuck would bother paying for them
i want to give up so bad but im so scared to fucking kill myself because im a bitchass coward with a whole plethora of undiagnosed mental illnesses that make it impossible for me to make a final decision
god i fucking hate this actual fucking bitchass

 

[sos]

why is your family against professional help and even distractions from your friend?

why are you being held against your will

any reason?

 

[turbomightbegone]

why is your family against professional help and even distractions from your friend?

why are you being held against your will

any reason?

im not sure why my family is against the idea of me getting help, whenever i try to ask them about it they just shout at me.

i have nowhere else to go, im autistic and genuinely cannot function by myself. im unable to socialise and unable to work because i never managed to finish my exams (got pulled out in the middle of them). i get little to no income from commissions so I cant exactly move out either, I wouldn't last that long.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also feel so tired, it truly is so cruel how people suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[sos]

have you had any moment in your life where you didn't feel like a prisoner?

i mean, think of any moment

a moment in which you were v happy and mightve even felt like you could beat anything in the world

 

[NoPointOfReturning]

then some minor inconvenience sends me into a downwards spiral and resets me back to stage one.

Extremely relatable man. I'm rooting for you to pull through!

 

[turbomightbegone]

have you had any moment in your life where you didn't feel like a prisoner?

I suppose it would be back when I was around 5, although I don't have many memories of that time. I just remember always riding my bike out in the sun. I suppose that would be one of my happiest memories, despite how simplistic it is. riding my bike out in the neighbourhood and getting sunburnt.

 

[droppedmysyrup]

You're not alone in the feeling of taking 1 step forward then 5 back its something i deal with constantly and its extremely draining.
i wish you the best and really hope you find your peace.