If you decided not to CTB, why/how?

[somehumanoid]

I can see few reasons not to – beyond concerns about the mechanics (avoiding pain, ensuring reliability) and causing pain to others.

Those who came close and decided not to, why and how did you make that decision?

 

[getoutgirl]

I've vented this already a bunch of times but whatevs I'll share it yet again. It's the causing pain one.

Context. I stayed alive for years only for the sake of others. I knew how much pain it would inflict on my loved ones, and as I run on guilt as fuel I knew I could never bring myself to cause them that. Enough time trapped with overwhelming desire to die but unable to fulfill it you start getting creative out of desperation. You try to find loopholes. I fantasized about disappearing, faking it good so it seemed I had run away and was living my best life out there as a prick who never wrote back, then commit suicide secretly in such a way my body would never be found and thus no one would ever know for sure what happened to me. That I thought would lessen the pain on others enough so that I could justify it to myself.
I came very close. Made a very detailed plan, part of which def would require some more rework (burying yourself is hard) but I would've managed with alternatives I'm sure.
Apart from that initial discouragement that the plan needed more work and I couldn't do it right away, another thing happened.
As I was going through this, someone I cared a lot about here attempted. They said they'd write back if they chickened out or survived and landed in a hospital. But pretty much disappeared on me. Which was my plan (!!!) for the people that cared about me. And I knew this person for a ridicule ammount of time, and yet I felt so awful and anxious with that daily uncertainty. Kept checking inbox, looking for news that could be them. Didn't know if they were ok, dead or alive. I needed closure so I did some detective work with the lil info I had of them and finally found their obituary. And that felt awful too, but in time better. So the lesson I learned was that disappearing like I had planned was still an awful experience for those that care about you, awful enough my guilt woudln't allow it. Turns out I only needed someone else to fucking die for me to figure that out :D ! So I cancelled my plans feeling like an absolute guilt ridden shit and for the past two months I'm back to living for the sake of others, trying my best to recover again cos might aswell If I can't die. Now I eat fruit while sad.

That's the summary, yet again. Don't know your personal situation, but hope this answered your question and served you for whichever reason you asked it. Lots of hugs <3

 

[glasshammer]

funerals are expensive and my retirement pot could maybe buy me two ice creams

.. but drugs are cheap ;)

 

[Dyingoportunity]

It's a combination of being in a partial caretaker position of a disabled sibling, guilt over hurting my family, and hesitation after two failed attempts. Overall, I want to avoid doing something stupid and making things worse instead of dying successfully.

 

[lemonandcapers]

As strange as it is to admit it, this site is probably going to be the reason I don't follow through. I understand that everyone here has a valid reason for wanting to CTB, but when people post goodbye threads, I can't help but feel a chill down my spine when I click on their profile and see they have not posted since then. I hope that everyone is able to achieve peace, no matter how that looks, but I can't help but feel the loss of their presence, even if I know little about the person. I would never try to convince someone to stay for my sake, but I don't want other people to experience that because of me. I am also reminded how much can go wrong while attempting to CTB, and I could end up becoming disabled if I do it wrong.

 

[earlgrey]

I once told my therapist that I didn't see the point in continuing to live because nothing really mattered anyways, but I think this can also apply to staying alive. Nothing matters, so staying alive is more like a "why not" for me. I also see the positive impact I now have in the lives of my loved ones. I didn't really have a role in other people's lives until now and I feel like seeing them happy gives me some sort of purpose. I'm also really scared of surviving an attempt and having brain damage.

 

[FoxSauce]

Probably impulsively or a deep depressive episode. Idk to be honest

 

[just a bird]

Fear of surviving. Fear of causing pain to others. An inability to get my things in order.

 

[AGWNOFMD]

I afraid after my death, the uncleaned personal belongings I left behind might be used as the reason for CTB . I also can't bear to sell or abandon them before taking my own life. But I don't want my suicide to be seen as caused by some kind of fetishistic behavior.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I've been suicidal for a very long time. It wasn't until recently that I actually wanted to make an attempt. I'm doing a lot better now and for now at least I probably won't make an attempt.

The thing that pushed me over the edge was a break up. Now though I'm just angry. I'm angry that he left, that he keeps calling pretending he cares, that he wants to be friends to keep the emotional connection without needing to actually be with me. The break up broke me for a bit. But now I'm back to my default state of being depressed and suicidal, so I guess I'll keep on keeping on.

In short. I was dealing with a lot of emotional pain and now that that pain is gone, I'm ok with living. Well not ok with it, but I won't make an attempt.

 

[Éternel]

SORRY FOR MY BAD GRAMMAR !

When I was like 13, it was because I was scared and didn't know how to proceed.
Recently, in 2022, it was because I was in a relationship and I thought that my mental health would get better with time.
Now, I'm not in that relationship anymore*, I have friends that I can vent to (they have a lot of problems too) and I try to force myself to be "positive" or in an euphoric state where I feel like I can do absolutely anything (mainly because of caffeine I think).
The only problem I'm facing right now is that I'm always angry (caffeine ?) at everything and I just don't know how to make it stop.

* : (coward decided to break up and told me : "oh, it's been a while that I'm waiting to tell you", dude, seriously ? after all these traumas that you caused me ! At least now, my mind has somewhat calmed down and I can actually THINK CLEARLY WITHOUT ANY INTERRUPTION !)

 

[author]

This might sound weird but in short, time and jealousy.

At my most suicidal, I never had the means to do anything but SH. Any methods available were too painful. I basically couldn't do anything and had a lot of time to think. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I didn't actually want to die, I wanted to escape, and that my stupid fucking monkey brain didn't see any means of escape aside from death. It didn't erase my suicidal thoughts or desire, but it gave me a bit of time to reconsider while I waited to be able to get the means to CTB.

Things got a lot worse, and then marginally better for me. The important thing was that they didn't stay the same. I saw how things got better for other people - my friends, youtubers, bloggers, etc. They talked about how they got better, how they enjoyed life now. I wished I could be like them. I still do. I'm so fucking jealous of all of them that it makes me want to keep living just to get that happiness for myself, like it makes me angry almost because it isn't fair that they get better and not me despite me trying in therapy and shit. They were proof that life didn't have to suck, so why did my life suck? They always said the same thing; "it gets better". I figured I might as well keep coasting along in life to see if they were right, if I could make it out of this shithole. I wanted a taste of the "better" that seemingly everyone else got.

I'm still coasting nowadays, and I don't fully know why I'm still here - but despite now having the means to CTB I haven't attempted, if that means anything. So yeah, I guess technically things got better - just not as much as it did for those guys lol. Shit's still fucked, but not as bad as before, and I'm still here.

 

[kitkat9234]

Fear of failure and being worse off if that is even possible. Fear of not knowing what happens to you if you are successful. My daughter. She should be reason number 1 but she is better off without me. I feel like I am doing more harm than good by being here.

 

[Grog]

I never really wanted to die, per se. I just wanted the pain and suffering to stop; and death is a means to that end.

Recent events are giving me hope, so I am sticking aroud~