Discussion If CTB is a distinct possibility, do you wonder or predict what number of posts here you'll die on?

[Forever Sleep]

It's a fairly unknown expanse of time for me ahead- seeing as I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. It also varies a lot, how much I'm on the forum- depending on my workload.

It's pretty daunting/ depressing that it could be many more posts until I'm able to be free. It would feel unrationally satisfying to go out on a round number though. Not sure why really.

Do you wonder about it also? Plus, how quickly you'll be forgotten and superseeded by the next suicidal regulars into the forum?

Kind of depressing really. Like lingering in the holding pen of an abbatoir. At least we get to choose to try to die though I suppose.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

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[Forveleth]

Dude, I never thought about this. Agh! I like round numbers. Why if I kill myself on like 5372? So awkward!

As far as being forgotten, 99.999999% of people who ever existed have been forgotten. It is going to happen. I am not worried about it.

 

[woodlandcreature]

never really thought about this—maybe around 300? i don't care about being forgotten i was never known. everyone's forgotten eventually anyways.

 

[Forever Sleep]

[Hidden content]

Oh wow, I'm really flattered. Thank you.

 

[noname223]

I never thought about it tbh. But when I first posted I never thought I would reach 6000 lol.

Maybe I had vague thoughts that I would die within a few years. My suicidality changed a lot. And my inner thoughts changed a lot. There certainly was development. And it had to do with certain narratives that I told me in the past. There were times I thought I am running out of time. There were times where I thought I reached my pain limit.

Early on after my first psychosis I felt so horrible. I thought my life was over. You only live once and if you have a psychosis it is over. You will never recover from that. My life was pretty fucking insane. And it was extremely painful. But indeed there were up and downs and I cannot deny that. Was it worth it? Certainly not. But fantasizing to kill oneself doesn't solve problems and in many cases it makes things worse. But its ambivalent. And the relation can change. I am not sure whether I was better off if I could just turn my suicide thoughts off.

 

[TAW122]

I don't really know because there were earlier points in time where I wanted to CTB, back in 2019 (if things had gone poorly), even in 2022, 2023, or just last year, 2025, but my posts all grew. I recall my post count being over 2k, 3k, 5k, etc., but in the end, it is inconsequential to me, because if the time and circumstance comes right for me, then I will go and will go on my own terms, regardless of post count here, be it 8k, 10k, 12k, (unlikely 10k if I end up going within a year or even less). My post count has no bearing on when, where, or how I'd end up CTB'ing.