Discussion Identity: Who are you and How do you live?

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I am undergoing treatment, again, after being in a mental ward, and away from people for years, I have an issue in which I go to the bathroom quite often, anxiety, recently diagnosed autism and adhd. Add to that the state of the world and the evolution of it forward, and I have a fundamental question.
Who am I? How to live?

Like as simple as it sounds, I'm lost, I don't know what I want so much anymore, yes of course we all know the superficial things we like, like our favorite shows, games, sexual deviant fantasies, foods.
But what I mean is like, the basic way you move through life, self identity, and how do you choose what to do at any second? At a point with less mass surveillance and less age, I found this pretty easy, as a structure was set up for me in school, I hated this a lot, but at least it was stable, do this, then this, then this, this is your free time, have fun here, or "explore things and social relationships"

Now, dropped into this immense world, I don't have any kind of framework other than utter fear and following my current treatments, I have wished in the past to "be" certain things, in this order:
-A writer -An artist (drawing) -An english teacher who used "games" to teach others in a novel way
All of these endeavors kinda failed or faded away, and to be honest, I don't know how to move on now, I don't have the same "drive" I once had to do... Anything,

I don't know how to carry myself, if to fake confidence, if to submit to this new "reality" and the world as it is, if to try and "fight back" and be an outcast, if to try and move to spain, if to try and pursue an online job using the internet, or maybe buckle down with antidepressants and just do any menial job I can get my hands on...

I don't know what to say or when to laugh or not. I don't know anything.

Anyone else has had the same experience?

 

[vroseee]

hi! my name is olivia, i'm 19 years old. i just recently had an attempt a little over a week ago and was hospitalized for a few days. i WANT help but i keep declining it when it's offered to me, out of fear maybe?

i think what is keeping me going, as silly as it sounds, is my kitties. i have 5 of them and love them all very much.
i failed highschool, dont have a job or even my drivers license right now.
i always wanted to be a astrophysicist or a neuroscientist, which seems like a reach but at the time i was headed on the right path. 2 grades above everyone else my age, on track to graduate 2 years early, etc.
then it all started going downhill for me, and i'm still not 100% sure why.
now, i just hope to get my GED and be financially stable and maybe have kids some day, but that's seeming more and more less of a reality as i 1. struggle to find a partner 2. am having infertility issues 3. will i ever be mentally stable enough to have a child?.

maybe this isnt an answer you were expecting, but it's what ive experienced so far.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I am undergoing treatment, again, after being in a mental ward, and away from people for years, I have an issue in which I go to the bathroom quite often, anxiety, recently diagnosed autism and adhd. Add to that the state of the world and the evolution of it forward, and I have a fundamental question.
Who am I? How to live?

Like as simple as it sounds, I'm lost, I don't know what I want so much anymore, yes of course we all know the superficial things we like, like our favorite shows, games, sexual deviant fantasies, foods.
But what I mean is like, the basic way you move through life, self identity, and how do you choose what to do at any second? At a point with less mass surveillance and less age, I found this pretty easy, as a structure was set up for me in school, I hated this a lot, but at least it was stable, do this, then this, then this, this is your free time, have fun here, or "explore things and social relationships"

Now, dropped into this immense world, I don't have any kind of framework other than utter fear and following my current treatments, I have wished in the past to "be" certain things, in this order:
-A writer -An artist (drawing) -An english teacher who used "games" to teach others in a novel way
All of these endeavors kinda failed or faded away, and to be honest, I don't know how to move on now, I don't have the same "drive" I once had to do... Anything,

I don't know how to carry myself, if to fake confidence, if to submit to this new "reality" and the world as it is, if to try and "fight back" and be an outcast, if to try and move to spain, if to try and pursue an online job using the internet, or maybe buckle down with antidepressants and just do any menial job I can get my hands on...

I don't know what to say or when to laugh or not. I don't know anything.

Anyone else has had the same experience?

Yup, while I generally know who I am. I have a hard time actually enjoying it, or being able to indulge in it as how many others tend to do. Honestly, the best thing for me was to say fuck the world and generally isolate myself from it's chaos. That way I could filter out what's "me" from all the noise and be able to better seperate that in the moments where I'm forced to be part of it. It's not foolproof, but it's worked so far. You can't ever figure out yourself if you can't even hear your own voice, feel me?

 

[darksouls]

I am rotting in a tiny appartment
always alone, no social contacts
every day the same hell
isolation and suffering
I have given up a long time ago
already done with my life
lost everything
I am still here because of SI and the fear of death

 

[FoxSauce]

I have no idea who I am. Just living and surviving everyday. Being in a cycle of sadness. I can leave beacuse of full on guilt and the awful economy.

Moslty trying to keep myself as busy as I can so the days can go faster. Im wasting away.

 

[Celerity]

Idk, OP. I wish I had an answer as I am also struggling with this. I will say that I can remember two of the happiest periods of my life. One of them is recent.

The first year of my PhD program, I felt like I was finally living the life I was meant to live. I had accomplished something I had worked toward for years and, at least at first, found myself fitting in more than I ever had in my life. It didn't last. Instead, I found myself depressed again at the emptiness of my life and the work I did. Ended up basically having a mental breakdown that culminated in dropping out. I figured that there was no hope for me. If even in the best of circumstances, I could not thrive, how would I ever be able to live?

Looking back, I realize that the work I did was, in fact, useless. It didn't matter that the academics around me were high off of their own farts. I could see the truth even if I didn't want to accept it. I was also surrounded by hyper-competitive, emotionally immature dickheads, and I was away from all friends and family. Maybe a healthier person wouldn't have gone totally off the deep end as I did, but they wouldn't have been happy either in such circumstances. It took me years to figure that out.

The other happy period I had was within the last year. I fell in love. Nothing I have ever experienced can compare to the automatic and wholly pure joy I had in her presence. I had thought the songs and the books and the movies were exaggerating. I had always thought myself too cynical for this ever to occur, and the whole thing still boggles my mind. I miss her, and I miss who I was when I loved her.

 

[kitkat9234]

I am rotting in a tiny appartment
always alone, no social contacts
every day the same hell
isolation and suffering
I have given up a long time ago
already done with my life
lost everything
I am still here because of SI and the fear of death

Could have written this myself.