I wrote something...and I didn't post it online

[Water-Lily]

I have this desire to be known. To be both known and remembered. I feel lifeless, weak, and unstable. I feel that if I were to die today, who would remember me? What would I be remembered for? This desire to be remembered and acknowledged threw me into 2 weeks of pumping out contact. Erotic stories, realistic and anime art pictures, and so on. I felt productive and smart. I felt "damn I got this!". But I was never really happy. No, if anything I felt depressed and numb. I was driving myself into the ground with a desire for approval. I had to see my likes and comments. If I got none, or negative comments, my self esteem plummeted. So I stopped. I shifted everything. I decided that if I am going to draw or write stories, it should be for me first. It's important to be mindful of what I put out there. Even anonymously, things can come back to haunt me and affect my reputation. But also, if I am not happy, then what does it all matter? Does getting fame and recognition matter if your soul is broken? I don't think so.

Today I did some erotic writing. Feeling pressured to post, I decided to just write my feelings down. And I wrote nearly a page of nonsense. And then just...stopped. Maybe not so much nonsense as they were my genuine thoughts. But I realized I didn't have to put it out there out of desperation. I acknowledged it, felt good, and saved it on my computer. I don't have to strive for a sense of achievement. I don't have to make my creativity public out of a desire to be known. I don't have to ever. Just so long as it makes me happy, that's what matters.

 

[timf]

Just organizing your thoughts as if you were going to post them can have value. You might want to continue the private side of your creativity so that you can accept yourself (good or bad) on the basis of your own assessment. This can help resist the desire to gain the approval of others which can become a type of slavery.

 

[Water-Lily]

Just organizing your thoughts as if you were going to post them can have value. You might want to continue the private side of your creativity so that you can accept yourself (good or bad) on the basis of your own assessment. This can help resist the desire to gain the approval of others which can become a type of slavery.

indeed. thank you! Yeah it is so freeing and it feels great