I wish my loved ones could let me go.

[sad_frog]

Hey, I'm new so I'm sorry if I'm messing anything up.

About 5 years ago when I just turned 18 I went into the woods to CTB. I woke up 3 days later in the hospital genuinely happy to be alive but it wasn't long before the pain returned. Every day of my life since then Ive tried many treatments/medication/therapy. Ive listened to self help books and joined classes. Nothing helps, there's always a black hole in my heart pulling my happiness away.

The people I talk to tell me I'm selfish. "What will I do when you're gone?!" ....I'm already gone though, I don't smile, i dont talk, I hardly get out of bed. Can't they see I'm an empty shell? Ive been gone so long I can hardly remember a time where I was happy for a whole day (besides when i was a child)

I just want to know why IM the selfish one when Ive tried so hard? I wish they would kiss my cheek and give me a hug, let me know it's okay to go. Please dont make me feel worse about my thoughts.

My mother has had MS for over 25 years and im the only one to take care of her... I guess that i am being selfish...

 

[Deadgirl]

You're not selfish. People really don't understand depression or mix it with situational sadness. That's on them, sorry you've been in pain for that long. I was in a similar situation but ending it all in 1.5 months. It's really frustrating when an attempt fails especially in your case. I hope you can find peace soon.

 

[Midnight]

It's quite a sad story .. and your mother having MS must be a hard thing to deal with. Don't beat yourself up over being called selfish it's a common reaction given to suicidal people .. they don't know how to respond to your thoughts so meaningless platitudes and turning themselves into the victim helps them deal with it. Tbh i don't even know what a "good" reaction would be when confronted with a suicidal person apart from letting them know you understand. You can't encourage them either .. nor is it good to write it off as being selfish/stupid/crazy.

 

[Alchemist]

There's nothing wrong with being selfish, you should look for your own well-being. You don't owe anything to anyone and it's not your obligation to make them happy. You should what's the best for you regardless of what other think.

 

[JadedGray]

You're suffering in your own way, the way your mother is suffering. You're not being selfish to want to end your pain. The way that she wouldn't, if she wanted to.