Currently I am very sensitive and vulnerable. Though this should be not surprising if I am in or close to a new manic episode. I take so much medication to make me more numb. Some of them are addictive and I worry about a possible addiction. I am quite sure I won't need them when the exams are over.
Due to the child abuse I feel like my life was threatened when I have to face college exams. It is pretty insane how powerful and overwhelming thoughts and mental illness can be.
I almost started crying when I read a newspaper article about a genocide.
There are healthy and unhealthy way to cope. I currently eat some cookies to cope with my pain. But I am scared about gaining weight. I take benzos and z-medication but only in a small dosage. I have the allowance of my psychiatrist. The thing is my manic and psychotic mind is naturally (thanks to abuse) psychoactive. I need sedatives to calm me down. The pressure is insane currently. I am really anxious to become ill again. Maybe I am already in a new episode. This could herald the last period of my life. Being manic was the best time of my life but I prepare to kill myself when I crash. I just cannot cope with the extreme psychosomatic pain anymore. Naturally the pressure is high when one's life is at stake. But I think this pressure is pathological so I should not blame it on myself. Bipolar feels like a force of nature (I seem to have a very agressive and lethal form of it). I barely have any chance to survive that. Despite the fact I tried so fucking much.
I feel so exhausted.
Due to the child abuse I feel like my life was threatened when I have to face college exams. It is pretty insane how powerful and overwhelming thoughts and mental illness can be.
I almost started crying when I read a newspaper article about a genocide.
There are healthy and unhealthy way to cope. I currently eat some cookies to cope with my pain. But I am scared about gaining weight. I take benzos and z-medication but only in a small dosage. I have the allowance of my psychiatrist. The thing is my manic and psychotic mind is naturally (thanks to abuse) psychoactive. I need sedatives to calm me down. The pressure is insane currently. I am really anxious to become ill again. Maybe I am already in a new episode. This could herald the last period of my life. Being manic was the best time of my life but I prepare to kill myself when I crash. I just cannot cope with the extreme psychosomatic pain anymore. Naturally the pressure is high when one's life is at stake. But I think this pressure is pathological so I should not blame it on myself. Bipolar feels like a force of nature (I seem to have a very agressive and lethal form of it). I barely have any chance to survive that. Despite the fact I tried so fucking much.
I feel so exhausted.
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