Venting i wish i didn't have to wait to ctb

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i fucking hate myself, fucking pathetic worthless piece of shit. i just want to ctb already.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

every day i feel shittier and shittier. all i do is fuck things up, push people away and wallow in my own misery. when I'm not in class, i practically never leave my room. I'm a pathetic, broke, unemployed, antisocial, fucking loser and i want to kms every day. i fucking hate trying to talk or interact with other people because everyone it always ends up feeling weird and it just makes me hate myself even more. i wish i could be teleported to an alternate universe where I'm the only person on earth so i could just wander around the ruins of civilization by myself and not have to care or worry about anything. i just want to get out of this shitty fucking dorm room already. i already paid for a plane ticket in December 4th but good i fucking hate having to wait. every night is just me laying in bed non stop thinking about everything I've done and said and hating myself more and more. I'm an awful fucking person, all i do is fuck things up and push people away, even when they care about me. nothing of value would be lost if i died and everyone would move on and forget before they could even shed a tear. i wish i had a gun on me so i could at least blow my brains out on a live stream in the hopes that my death would get memed like ronnie mcnutt and finally something somewhat positive would come out of my existence

even though i want people to care and worry about me, it's like i can never trust or believe them in my head. I'm always left more confused as to why they would even care about me to begin with, especially the people online since they don't even know me outside of a username and a pfp on a screen. i guess I'm just selfish and want the attention from people even though it won't do anything to make me not want to ctb. maybe I'm just manipulative and want to traumatize someone with my death. either way I'm a shitty person and should die so what does it matter. i have 53 days left to live

i don't know why i don't just check myself into the ER or something. maybe i want to be forced into being involuntarily committed because I'm a bitch and can't do it myself even though i know i should. maybe i assume that if a person actually cared about me they'd call the cops on me and have me committed. there's nothing left for me in this life

i barely feel anything my entire life. sometimes ill feel a little happy when im doing something like playing a game, sometimes ill get a little angry or annoyed, most of the time i just feel self loathing. rest of the time I'm just numb and empty, it feels like I'm not even here. I'm just sitting in a small box watching someone else live my life for me as days go by. nothing feels real anymore.

I'm hoping that during my trip to Japan, when i finally decide to try drinking alcohol and getting drunk for the first time, I'll actually be able to feel something for the first time.

i cant even cry. i barely cried when my mom died. i just sat there as she was being cremated. why can't i just be normal. what the fuck is wrong with me.

I'm really hoping that things will feel at least a little better once i leave this shitty campus and touchdown in Japan. all I've ever wanted in life is to be free. truly free. all my life over been locked down and restricted by bullshit. wether it be working some shitty retail job busting my ass to make some dickhead rich while i make pennies, or getting treated like a little kid at job corps and having my life wasted away. I've never had true freedom. I'm not in jail or committed in a psych ward or anything, but I'm not free. always being restricted by someone else's rules. I wanted to work a decent job and build a good life for myself, but nobody wanted to hire me.

My biggest dream in life was to work a good career, build a steady foundation for myself, build s house on a good piece of land, find someone i love, get married hand start a family. but now, getting even half of that feels harder than winning the fucking lottery. i don't want to keep living in a system that has been rigged against me and designed to keep me in the lowest point of my life possible with no escape.

As soon as i step off that plane in Tokyo, i will be truly free. For the next 30 days after that moment, I'm be free to do whatever i want. I won't have to stress about finding a job just so I'll be able to survive. I won't have to bite my lip and put up with shitty managers, bosses, college staff. I will go where i want and do what i want (to the extent of the law). I will reclaim my life from this corrupt system.

This life is mine. I will decide where my path goes, and where my path ends.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i don't know why i even talk about suicidal stuff online outside of here. nobody online gives a shit

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i hate being autistic sometimes.
youd be surprised just how many people doing give a single shit when you express that you wanna commit suicide. I flat out stated infront of my entire dorm that ive been wanting to commit suicide for months now and that i wasnt kidding and nothing happened.

The staff didnt pull me aside and ask any questions, express any concern or anything. I was thinking i was about to get in trouble or that they would call somebody, but no. I've never felt more isolated in my life, i can't vent about this shit anywhere except here and actually be taken seriously.

I cant vent about this shit with my discord friends cause they cant take anything seriously. everything they say is always baked in a dozen different layers of irony and neco arc gifs. I cant vent about this shit on social media cause all i get is half hearted, fake concern and people telling to to stop bitching and looking for attention.

what am i even supposed to do except ctb? im just the fucking lolcow in every social group i join, no ody actually cares about me, they just keep me around cause all i do is embarrass myself and make everyone laugh at me. i just know everyone secretly hates me

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i hope i get reincarnated as a rich guy's son so that way i can actually have a chance at a decent life
i constantly push everyone away
Nobody wants to be around you when you're suicidal. all i do is push people away with how much of a mopey, sad sack of shit i am. their fake facade of caring if i kms fades away almost instantly. not a single person on earth actually wants me alive.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

why would they even care anyways? they dont know me.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I am so sorry. I read your post and I felt extremely sorry for:(
I have also the issue that I finally just want to die. I see no reason to continue this life. It'll never be a full filled and happy life.
I wish I could help you .
One advice maybe it'll help: if you are 100% sure you wanna die soon then why not just do whatever you want? Drink some alcohol and chill or listen to music you like or just go outside with a smile knowing full well that soon you are freed from this shit world.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

I am so sorry. I read your post and I felt extremely sorry for:(
I have also the issue that I finally just want to die. I see no reason to continue this life. It'll never be a full filled and happy life.
I wish I could help you .
One advice maybe it'll help: if you are 100% sure you wanna die soon then why not just do whatever you want? Drink some alcohol and chill or listen to music you like or just go outside with a smile knowing full well that soon you are freed from this shit world.

i wanna wait before i ctb, even if i really want to, because in 3 weeks im going on vacation to japan. my plan is to basically do what you said but on vacation in tokyo and then ctb after i run out of money

 

[Terrible_Life]

i wanna wait before i ctb, even if i really want to, because in 3 weeks im going on vacation to japan. my plan is to basically do what you said but on vacation in tokyo and then ctb after i run out of money

That sounds awesome, I always wanted to see japan. I was always impressed by Japan and of course the animes with which I grew up.
I wish you a good time there. From what i saw on YouTube they have great restaurants in Tokyo and also good bars.
Maybe if you like whisky try some of their whisky its very popular.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

i wanna wait before i ctb, even if i really want to, because in 3 weeks im going on vacation to japan. my plan is to basically do what you said but on vacation in tokyo and then ctb after i run out of money

Be careful you don't blow everything. There's no guarantee of suicide at all.

I'm sorry your posts didn't get much attention here. It can be hard when there's so many being posts being written and so little energy in general among the members but it still can be painful if you're sharing intimate stuff like this and get little engagement.

It's normal and understandable to want people to care and show interest in you.

It's strange that pronouncing so openly that you are suicidal got no response but be prudent. But you don't have to kill yourself if you don't really want to. There are avenues for potential help that you may want to consider exploring.

If you're in college it is probably worth experiencing what life is like after graduation. But it's very difficult to study when you're feeling this way. It's not your fault that you're struggling this way or if it is negatively impacting your studies.