I went to see an old friend today

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I went to see an old friend today. I hadn't seen her since 2023, since early 2024 is when I dropped out of university due to my chronic illness. We met on the university campus and walked around for a couple hours and talked, it was very nice.

And yet I feel awful now. I don't know why. I was worried before I went that my chronic illness would flare up while I was with her, that it would be embarrassing and the whole thing would be ruined. But it stayed under control, everything went well. Now I feel sick again, but that's to be expected, the pain won't stay away for an entire day.

She's an international student from a faraway country. We shouldn't have much in common, but it seems we actually do, or at least we get along well. She's going back to visit her home country soon, she's been away from her family for more than 3 years. She asked how I was doing, since I told her a few months ago I was doing badly mentally I told her I'm doing much better. Although I realize it wasn't true, it felt true when I said it. And she's a good friend, but I don't know how much is really socially acceptable to share with her. And even if she was okay with it, she couldn't really do anything to change it anyway.

Everything went well today, but I still feel this crushing weight above me, this unbearable anxiety that I'm so close to ruining my entire life and worsen my condition through ignorance, through making some foolish mistake. The weather is nice, the sun is shining, my neighbors are watering their flowers, but it's like the warmth of the sun shines right through me, like I'm not part of this world, I'm just some strange creature that can't ever engage with the world the way others do. I did engage with the world today, I spoke with my friend, I hugged her, I bought a black coffee and drink it while talking with her about life, but somehow it just isn't real, it's just a meaningless illusion. Only the pain is real, only the fatigue and sore throat and twisting intestines, I live in a strange and cruel world within myself that I can't escape.

I wasn't happy in the past either, but at least things felt real, my pain meant something. The words meant something, the sunrise meant something, the future meant something.

I want to escape from this cold world I live in and join the real world again, but I think it might be too late.

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

This will by no means fix any of your problems, but for some reason back when I would still do it, those breif moments gave me a vague sense of reality.
See if there is an action, a relatively meaningless one, that you are capable of repeating once a day.
The best description of it will be the world 'ritual'. Not exactly routine, just ritual. This is because it's a symbolic action, not a functional one.
For me, whenever the clock struck 20:00 (approximately), I would sit on my desk, light a tiny candle and then just stare at it for as long or as little as I liked.
It's whay created for my mind mind small windows of opportunity to be in a slightly different state than usual.
Sometimes I would get tired of it fast while other times I would stay there immobile much after the candle has already burnt out. I miss that a little.
Another idea if you wish for one is drawing a card from a tarot deck and just meditating on the imagery (no belief required).
And yet another is copying a single line of poetry by hand every morning.
Your own ritual can but doesn't have to be meditative. It just has to be something you will do.
Not sure how stupid this sounds and ultimately it is relatively useless, but it's also what helped me some.
Wherever you implement this or not, I hope you find some answers before the end. Much love.