Venting I was a complete asshole, I lost the person I loved most, and day after day I feel worse and worse

[sla_porra22]

A few days ago I did the dumbest thing in my life by saying things that I deeply regret, and I don't even have the courage to explain them here to my (now ex) girlfriend. At the time it all made sense to me, but minutes later I realized it was nonsense and I simply dealt with an extremely sensitive subject that she brought up in a very idiotic way. Besides sounding like I didn't care about what she went through (which was awful), I also ended up doubting her as a person. I know this will all be very confusing without me explaining exactly what happened. I wish I had the courage to speak, but I can't. I blame myself so much for it.

Anyway, she cried, repeated several times that I was an idiot, and then broke up with me. And I deserved it; in her place, I would have broken up with myself too. But this hurts me so much; for days I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or even talk to anyone. I can only cry from disgust with myself and feel terrible about what she's going through because of me. She was the most incredible, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and fun person I've ever met. We were about to celebrate our 1 year and 6 months together on the day we broke up. I've already lost about two kilos (and I'm already someone who has a serious weight problem, with a BMI of 16). Everything I try to eat makes me vomit, and yesterday I even vomited blood. Maybe my body is starting to fail, and I hope it happens soon. Since that day, everything has gone wrong. I can't even smile without feeling like a monster, I can't sleep without hearing her voice or hallucinating and seeing her in front of me. Everything I do always reminds me of her and I feel terrible, and the worst part is that the next day we talked, and even after all that she said "I still love you, but it's over". I would have preferred if she had simply said that she hated me and that I was the worst thing in the universe, but hearing that only made me feel even more awful. Not only that, but she also kept insisting that I "wasn't a monster" and only asked that I take care of myself

I had already thought of a place to jump from, a large viaduct that I frequently pass by. But it turns out I realized it's much lower than I imagined. It wouldn't be enough. And I don't even have another place to try; my house, for example, doesn't have a place to tie rope. And exit bags, besides being expensive for my current situation, It would also make my family suspicious. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just exist and hope I don't wake up tomorrow. It's the worst time of my life, And I've had other horrible moments.

Again, I know that maybe no one will understand what I meant, but I needed to at least say it somewhere where people could see it


I was going to post this and try to take some sleeping pills, but I remembered to say a few things.

This isn't exactly related to what I was reporting above, but I think everything has gone wrong in my life since then. In less than a week, I accidentally had a nail pierce my foot, I think I broke a toe, and I argued with family and friends, And I also discovered that the worst person I've ever met in my life for months was not only following me, but interacting with me pretending to be someone else. The same person who tried to stab me, He betrayed me, tried to drive all my friends away from me and leave me alone, and did everything he could to destroy my life for over a year and a half. This has been worrying me, and I think it's worth mentioning here. I think all of this combined is a plausible reason for me to be actively seeking ways to CTB.

 

[sillycat]

I know how it feels to mess up a relationship with someone who was your entire world because of dumb mistakes, and the enormous amount of self hatred it causes you. I also have spent many sleepless nights being haunted by things that I should have never said. Hope one day you could forgive yourself, I wish you the best.

 

[sla_porra22]

I know how it feels to mess up a relationship with someone who was your entire world because of dumb mistakes, and the enormous amount of self hatred it causes you. I also have spent many sleepless nights being haunted by things that I should have never said. Hope one day you could forgive yourself, I wish you the best.

I don't even want to forgive myself. I think what I did was the worst thing I could have done. I don't even feel like I should be happy in any way after all this

It's awful to feel this way I spent the whole night out on the street, thinking. These past few days I've been thinking about so many crazy ways to end it all that I even considered faking a kidnapping to get special teams involved and for me to die

 

[Karrikin]

A few days ago I did the dumbest thing in my life by saying things that I deeply regret, and I don't even have the courage to explain them here to my (now ex) girlfriend. At the time it all made sense to me, but minutes later I realized it was nonsense and I simply dealt with an extremely sensitive subject that she brought up in a very idiotic way. Besides sounding like I didn't care about what she went through (which was awful), I also ended up doubting her as a person. I know this will all be very confusing without me explaining exactly what happened. I wish I had the courage to speak, but I can't. I blame myself so much for it.

Anyway, she cried, repeated several times that I was an idiot, and then broke up with me. And I deserved it; in her place, I would have broken up with myself too. But this hurts me so much; for days I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or even talk to anyone. I can only cry from disgust with myself and feel terrible about what she's going through because of me. She was the most incredible, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and fun person I've ever met. We were about to celebrate our 1 year and 6 months together on the day we broke up. I've already lost about two kilos (and I'm already someone who has a serious weight problem, with a BMI of 16). Everything I try to eat makes me vomit, and yesterday I even vomited blood. Maybe my body is starting to fail, and I hope it happens soon. Since that day, everything has gone wrong. I can't even smile without feeling like a monster, I can't sleep without hearing her voice or hallucinating and seeing her in front of me. Everything I do always reminds me of her and I feel terrible, and the worst part is that the next day we talked, and even after all that she said "I still love you, but it's over". I would have preferred if she had simply said that she hated me and that I was the worst thing in the universe, but hearing that only made me feel even more awful. Not only that, but she also kept insisting that I "wasn't a monster" and only asked that I take care of myself

I had already thought of a place to jump from, a large viaduct that I frequently pass by. But it turns out I realized it's much lower than I imagined. It wouldn't be enough. And I don't even have another place to try; my house, for example, doesn't have a place to tie rope. And exit bags, besides being expensive for my current situation, It would also make my family suspicious. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just exist and hope I don't wake up tomorrow. It's the worst time of my life, And I've had other horrible moments.

Again, I know that maybe no one will understand what I meant, but I needed to at least say it somewhere where people could see it


I was going to post this and try to take some sleeping pills, but I remembered to say a few things.

This isn't exactly related to what I was reporting above, but I think everything has gone wrong in my life since then. In less than a week, I accidentally had a nail pierce my foot, I think I broke a toe, and I argued with family and friends, And I also discovered that the worst person I've ever met in my life for months was not only following me, but interacting with me pretending to be someone else. The same person who tried to stab me, He betrayed me, tried to drive all my friends away from me and leave me alone, and did everything he could to destroy my life for over a year and a half. This has been worrying me, and I think it's worth mentioning here. I think all of this combined is a plausible reason for me to be actively seeking ways to CTB.

I've had something similar happen recently. It's nothing as severe as losing a loved one but everything seemingly spirals after messing up so severely. I can't offer much because I myself am still figuring out exactly what I'm doing since it's not often I have to deal with committing character suicide of myself but I will say that everything becomes skewed, every bad occurrence is placed under a microscope and exacerbated by how bad your mind gets --just keep that in mind. I do hope you find your peace though and I hope things get better for you.

 

[sla_porra22]

I've had something similar happen recently. It's nothing as severe as losing a loved one but everything seemingly spirals after messing up so severely. I can't offer much because I myself am still figuring out exactly what I'm doing since it's not often I have to deal with committing character suicide of myself but I will say that everything becomes skewed, every bad occurrence is placed under a microscope and exacerbated by how bad your mind gets --just keep that in mind. I do hope you find your peace though and I hope things get better for you.

In a way, reading this helps a little. I feel like I'm not the only one going through this (even if it's obvious) But I truly hope you can get through this too. I wish you all the best. One thing I've been doing to try and not think too much about all this is listening to music that makes me hate something. Maybe you could try it too, it helps a little to deal with it. Of course, thinking about it is important, but doing it all the time drives you crazy. So, things that distract you from that feeling of sadness, melancholy, and the sensation that everything is going wrong are also a way to regulate your perspective on things

Again, I hope you can get through this and feel better, regardless of what happened

 

[Karrikin]

In a way, reading this helps a little. I feel like I'm not the only one going through this (even if it's obvious) But I truly hope you can get through this too. I wish you all the best. One thing I've been doing to try and not think too much about all this is listening to music that makes me hate something. Maybe you could try it too, it helps a little to deal with it. Of course, thinking about it is important, but doing it all the time drives you crazy. So, things that distract you from that feeling of sadness, melancholy, and the sensation that everything is going wrong are also a way to regulate your perspective on things

Again, I hope you can get through this and feel better, regardless of what happened

Crazy thing is I've also been running my playlist on repeat, music helps tremendously at least to take my mind off. And thank you, it's been nice knowing I'm not alone either as well.