Venting i want to take off my chest. some thoughts

[almondmilk]

hey guys, i've been struggling lately with myself, am i ungrateful? am i really mean how everyone is telling me? probably i have internal issues that i must solve all by myself without involving other people. i have great parents (maybe i could fix the relationship with my father, but my mom is amazing) i love my grandma, i have an amazing best friend, i have a partener (i guess, is also a complicated relationship with this guy, i feel like he likes me but refuses to see me, i sometimes feel rejected, but at the same time loved, idk)
despite all thse relationships, i work as a creative director at a agency, i'm going to my dream uni this autumn , why am i, so sad, and suicidal, and i self harm, and i keep those nasty habits like procrastination, cutting myself, smoking cigarettes, bad hygiene…..i have to many hopes and dreams, i wish i could get a good portfolio and work in the entertainment industry, to start working out because i am very unhealthy looking skinny, i wish i gad a better relationship with my father, i wish i was closer to my best friend, i wish i could be open enough to face my partner regarding my concerns. i wish i could just disappear from here, but like not really dying, because imma be honest, stuff got slightly better since last time i posted here, but yet i still have the same feelings, despite my condition got better
mention i am neurodivergent, i have adhd and also major depression. i stopped taking medication 2 years ago. my mom recommended going back to medication, but how i said, i am severely underweight, i dont want to know how it will affect my body. i feel guilty that i want to ctb even though i have my dream career, and i aim higher and higher on a daily basis with my life. what it is so difficult for me to understand? why cant i be happy with myself. people who are close to me told me that i can be very mean, and a bitch sometimes, and i package it by "just telling the truth " . i judge sometimes poorly , i can be wrong, i can be a huge hater, regarding world, religion, politics, etc, even though people don't like it, but what is it bothering me so bad that people have other opinions regarding those, and not "hater-like " opinions like i have…..
anyways this was a venting post, i accept advice if you want to give, or anything that might consider helpful

 

[spacealiens]

hey guys, i've been struggling lately with myself, am i ungrateful? am i really mean how everyone is telling me? probably i have internal issues that i must solve all by myself without involving other people. i have great parents (maybe i could fix the relationship with my father, but my mom is amazing) i love my grandma, i have an amazing best friend, i have a partener (i guess, is also a complicated relationship with this guy, i feel like he likes me but refuses to see me, i sometimes feel rejected, but at the same time loved, idk)
despite all thse relationships, i work as a creative director at a agency, i'm going to my dream uni this autumn , why am i, so sad, and suicidal, and i self harm, and i keep those nasty habits like procrastination, cutting myself, smoking cigarettes, bad hygiene…..i have to many hopes and dreams, i wish i could get a good portfolio and work in the entertainment industry, to start working out because i am very unhealthy looking skinny, i wish i gad a better relationship with my father, i wish i was closer to my best friend, i wish i could be open enough to face my partner regarding my concerns. i wish i could just disappear from here, but like not really dying, because imma be honest, stuff got slightly better since last time i posted here, but yet i still have the same feelings, despite my condition got better
mention i am neurodivergent, i have adhd and also major depression. i stopped taking medication 2 years ago. my mom recommended going back to medication, but how i said, i am severely underweight, i dont want to know how it will affect my body. i feel guilty that i want to ctb even though i have my dream career, and i aim higher and higher on a daily basis with my life. what it is so difficult for me to understand? why cant i be happy with myself. people who are close to me told me that i can be very mean, and a bitch sometimes, and i package it by "just telling the truth " . i judge sometimes poorly , i can be wrong, i can be a huge hater, regarding world, religion, politics, etc, even though people don't like it, but what is it bothering me so bad that people have other opinions regarding those, and not "hater-like " opinions like i have…..
anyways this was a venting post, i accept advice if you want to give, or anything that might consider helpful

Maybe take a break from everything that is stressing you and not think about it for a moment and turn off your phone too process your pain or anxiety. Maybe go to a retreat if possible or walk buy the river or listen to a meditation anyhow take a break from everything so you can process everything and possibly gain a new perspective and treat yourself the odd time go to a restaurant get some high quality food if you are worried about being underweight and the impact it's having on your health maybe get some multivitamins it's possible you have deficiencies in certain important vitamins affecting your mood it's important to have a good diet and rest sometimes. Anyhow god bless you I wish you the best I wish you become the best version of yourself and achieve your dreams and goals

 

[almondmilk]

Maybe take a break from everything that is stressing you and not think about it for a moment and turn off your phone too process your pain or anxiety. Maybe go to a retreat if possible or walk buy the river or listen to a meditation anyhow take a break from everything so you can process everything and possibly gain a new perspective and treat yourself the odd time go to a restaurant get some high quality food if you are worried about being underweight and the impact it's having on your health maybe get some multivitamins it's possible you have deficiencies in certain important vitamins affecting your mood it's important to have a good diet and rest sometimes. Anyhow god bless you I wish you the best I wish you become the best version of yourself and achieve your dreams and goals

hey son, appreciate it thank you so much for the advice and the good thoughts!!

 

[barely_afloat]

I don't think you're ungrateful. You quite literally do the opposite, showing gratitude for what you have. It's normal to want more, and what you're asking for isn't unreasonable at all. Depression is a pain, everything can be going right, but you can still be depressed. Unfortunately how it is, I guess. I dunno if you've ever tried therapy. It's not for everyone though, but could be worth a shot.

I'm also borderline underweight, but if you want to take meds again, you can maybe look into one that has weight gain as a side effect (those usually increase appetite --> weight gain). but like, my meds have that side effect but it doesn't seem to affect me, so I dunno. oh, and I like almondmilk's advice too. if you haven't had a blood test in a while, that might be a good option too (especially for checking your thyroid since that regulates metabolism). I also sometimes come across as mean or uncaring too, partly because I can be blunt at times and have a flat affect. what kinda helps for me is just laying out my intentions so people don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say.